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| A crayon diagram I made for a a workshop I taught on G Spot orgasms, which are REAL, dammit. |
Huffington Post ran this thing a few days ago: "
G-Spot Does Not Exist, 'Without A Doubt,' Say Researchers." Actually what the research indicates is that there isn't a distinct structure that can be labeled the "G Spot" other than a cluster of clitoral nerves, prostatic glands, and the urethral sponge. In wholly phallocentric terms, the front wall of the vagina can be viewed as the undescended penile shaft, with the clitoris as the head of the penis (since, after all, both genital structures start out the same), with the prostate located on the front wall of the vagina. Imagine if the male prostate was located on the underside of the penis. Voila, G Spot! It is most likely this combination of nerves, glands, and erectile tissue that creates sensitivity in the "G Spot" and other internal sensations. The problem is, not all women have the same concentration of nerves and glands there, so YMMV. Some women may not have any G Spot sensitivity, but that doesn't mean it's "not real." (I swear by
this toy for G spot exploration, incidentally- it changed my life.)
Why is female sexual health still so grossly misunderstood? (That's a rhetorical question). I get horrified when I read surveys that indicate that the majority of women don't understand basic vaginal anatomy and have yet to have an orgasm. I want to scream at the researchers who claim that the vagina is totally numb, and the G spot doesn't exist. I am frustrated with the well-meaning sex educators who promote the idea that oral sex is the be-all and end-all of for female orgasm. (It's nice, and should be considered a standard menu item, but I usually need my vibrator and some G spot stimulation to over the edge with a partner.) In addition to the bermuda triangle that is the G Spot, here's a few more vagina myths that drive me nuts.
1. The non-existent hymen.
So, on the topic of parts of the vagina that may or may not exist...
I consider myself something of a sexpert, but my mind was blown when I read
this article by Swedish researchers on Scarleteen, a sex education site for teens. Guess what? There is no such thing as the hymen, and there never has been. They have dubbed the structure at the opening of the vagina as the "vaginal corona," which is a more apt description of what it looks/feels like.
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| Yoinked from Scarleteen.com for educational purposes. |
These findings are interesting to me, as I never perceived any hymen-like membrane to exist on my on body (and yes, I was down there with a mirror as a teenager). Furthermore, my first sexual intercourse was not painful, and I didn't bleed. I attribute this to the fact that I had experience with masturbation prior to partner sex. I do believe that everyone's first sexual experience should be with themselves, and that one should understand their body to some degree before attempting sex with another person. I also think that teens should have access to sex toys (the hand alone never worked for me) though maybe
Laura Berman's suggestion that parents buy a vibrator for their teenage daughter is a little creepy and patronizing. However, I don't think teens should be restricted from using their allowance to pick out their own toys from sex-positive feminists sex toy retailers like EdenFantasys, Good Vibes, Pleasure Chest, Babeland, and so forth. Teenagers are sexual people regardless of what their parents would like to believe, and having a vibrator seems like a pretty healthy and safe sexual outlet to me.
Anyway, back to the hymen. Like I said, I never perceived that I had a hymen and I believed that I'd somehow demolished it by using tampons or riding a bike or any of that other crazy bullshit about how the hymen mysteriously disappears prior to penetration. And guess what? Almost every other woman I've talked to has told me the same thing- they never seemed to have a hymen either. Granted, first intercourse is still painful for many women, but I imagine it has a lot to do with one's individual body and experience level. You probably won't bleed if you're using adequate lubrication and have spent some time on foreplay. Bleeding is a sign that your doing it wrong. What really blows my mind that the concept of the hymen is still so pervasive and important, and that bleeding is considered a sign of legitimacy, glorifying painful and unpleasant sex for women. That so much value is placed upon a structure that DOESN'T EXIST, across history and different cultures. I know the importance of the mythical hymen is tied in with control of women as property, but I'm glad someone (god bless the Swedes) is calling bullshit on this fallacy.
2. Female orgasm and its discontents
I have on several occasions had people express shock when I told them my real weight. At "morbidly obese" 250 pounds, they expect me to be confined to bed, gorging myself on cheese puffs as I slowly die of diabetes. Instead, I'm working out at the gym and wearing form-fitting clothing. I'm currently bigger than I'd prefer to be, but I'm also not a sexless, immobile cautionary tale. And the reason people are shocked by my weight is because we LIE ABOUT OUR WEIGHT. Nobody knows what 250 pounds looks like, or even 150 pounds, because we all think we should be 115 pounds.
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| This is what "morbid obesity" looks like. I am lounging quite comfortably on my death bed, thank you. |
This is not an excuse to talk about my weight, it's an analogy. My point is- women have been faking orgasms for so long that nobody really knows what a real orgasm looks like anymore. I have mixed feelings about the whole faking orgasm phenomenon. Why can't we just admit that we're tired and ready to wrap up a sexual session? There have been many times where I had sex and didn't have a clitoral orgasm (which is kind of hard for me to have), and I still REALLY ENJOYED THE SEX. Orgasms are great, but if orgasm was truly the only objective of partner sex, we'd all stick to masturbation. I want to have the option of an orgasm, but not the obligation.
I guess what bothers me is the idea that women are "supposed" to have orgasms , but they're supposed to be convenient orgasms that happen under somewhat unrealistic circumstances. We're not supposed to pull out the vibrator, or ask our partner to do something differently, or accept the fact that it might take us an hour to get there. We're supposed to have an orgasm from penis in vagina intercourse, but it's somehow supposed be a clitoral orgasm, or a G Spot orgasm that feels like a clitoral orgasm? G Spot orgasms are very real, but they are a very different animal than clitoral ones.
The bottom line is we're supposed to have this amorphous mythical orgasm that's super loud and ego-validating to one's sexual partner, but it's not entirely clear how or why this orgasm is happening.
I recently wanted to watch something dumb while taking a bubble bath, so I put on Natalie Portman's trashy casual sex romcom "No Strings Attached" (which features Greta Gerwig saying things like "TEA FOR YOUR 'GINA!"). There's a scene where Natalie and Ashton Kutcher are having a quickie, and she tells him he has 45 seconds to cum because she has to get to work. He goes for it, and SHE MAGICALLY HAS AN ORGASM TOO.
Ok, I tried to contextualize this as "maybe she's getting a contact high." A contact high is the sort of mini orgasm I get when my partner is coming. I can usually tell when my partner is about to get over the edge, and it usually sends me into a sort of mini climax as well. I wouldn't call it a full blown clitoral orgasm, though. But, the thing is, I don't think that's what's happening here. I think she's faking it, and it makes me sad. Maybe she is that magically orgasmic 1%. But I kinda doubt it.
So let me esplain to you the kind of orgasms I tend to have on any given sexual sessions to give you an idea what it's really like:
1. The Tantric orgasm. Ok, this is kind of vague, but it's the sort of orgasm you get from pure energetic connection, when doing stuff like eye gazing and synchronized breathing, playing with your sexual energy. This may seem confusing if you're not into Tantra, so don't worry about it. It's incredible, but it's not the exact same as the sort of orgasm you get from physical stimulation.
2.The power surge. This tends to happen the first time I hook up with someone. I can have these when simply making out, or during foreplay, or over and over during intercourse. Sometimes people assume I have had my be-all, end-all orgasm when this happens because I am loud and responsive, and then I get pissed off if they stop. Not to be confused with faking, because the feeling is very real, but it is not the same as a clitoral orgasm. This tends to be tied in with very intense arousal for me.
3.The purely clitoral orgasm. I don't have these very often, and when I do I am either A. extremely turned on and B. using my Hitachi. These tend to be super intense and quick, and very physically localized, followed by involuntary contractions. I imagine this is the closest feeling to male orgasm.
4.The G Spot orgasm. This comes about as a result of intense G-spot stimulation and is an equally intense but very different type of orgasm that is deeper, more diffuse, longer lasting, and more of a full body sensation. This may or may not be accompanied by squirting. I can usually induce these much more easily than clitoral orgasms.
5. The blended orgasm, aka the mixed episode, aka the circuit breaker. This usually happens when I'm on the edge clitorally, ramp up the G spot intensity, and have a g spot and clitoral orgasm at the same time. This is usually accompanied by squirting. When this happens during partner sex I am usually exhausted and need a break afterwards because my arousal completely dissipates. When I am playing solo, I can usually do it 5 times in a row because once I've had one, I can usually have a bunch more if I'm running the show for some reason. These tend to require a lot of precise stimulation.
So there ya go. FIVE KINDS OF ORGASMS (six if you count the contact high). I'm not bragging, I'm just saying that the notion of female orgasm is fucking complex and seriously misunderstood. So you ask me if I've come yet, I'll probably say yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm done yet.
Relatedly, here is a short list of things you should NEVER say to me when I'm on edge: 1. Come for me! 2. How many times have you come? 3. I can't wait to hear you come! (Sometimes I have quiet orgasms, even though I have a reputation for being loud.) 4. Are you getting close? 5. Let's come together! Seriously, anything you say to put pressure on your partner to have an orgasm is just going to encourage faking. It is the HUGEST buzzkill for me. By all means, talk dirty to me. But don't make your dirty talk hinge on how you're going to make me come SOOOOOO HARD. No, you're not. Not by telling me that.
So yes, there's a reason I'm writing about vaginas and my orgasms on the internet, because I think these things are misunderstood and need to be talked about more to gain better understanding for the better of everyone. If the research coming out of the scientific community is bullshit, we need to do our own research. It doesn't have to be this scary, politics riddled thing. Sex should be fun, and our bodies are awesome.
