Bianca James, raunchy book on tape!!!

My friends Jackson and Brian, friends from my student days in Tokyo (who are still living large in Tokyo) decided to have some fun on a Saturday night and perform a book on tape version of an excerpt of my erotic short story "Paradise City".


(that's Brian and Jackson to my left and right)

Here's Brian's version. Here's Jackson's version. Here's the "Masterpiece Theater" version. They're all amazing and totally not safe for work.

Thanks guys!

In local sham journalism...

The Chicago Reader's April Fool's Article on a renegade restauranteur who runs an uber exclusive restaurant in an abandoned outpost on Lake Michigan and an illicit Fois Gras farm is pretty fucking funny, but the best part is we've had readers write in asking for the reservation line, and Lakeland Boating magazine pretty much cribbed an article on aforementioned fictional restaurant without bothering to fact check. Nice!

It's a lot funnier than Time Out Chicago's fake claims of being bought out by Donald Trump at any rate, though they did fool Crain's.

I shine like morrissey on hennessey on christmas eve

sometimes you're just in the mood to watch gay porn star turned filth rapper Dirty Nasty (1/3 of the Dyslexic Speedreaders with Mickey Avalon and Andre Legacy) snort fake(?) cocaine through a giant straw on rollerskates.

owned!!!

Thank you, Eli Maybe for taking a picture of me hungover and making it into a masterpiece!

Bianca James, the poor woman's Tracie Egan

As many of you are aware, I am a fan of the writings of Tracie Egan, aka Slut Machine.

I've actually spent time in therapy talking about how jealous I am that she has a job that pays her (well, I can only assume Jezebel pays) to write about dudes she fucks and crap she watches on TV.

I'm kind of over it though, because I am coming to realize that my sexcapades are more interesting than hers (she has expressed disdain for gays, kilt-wearers, chunky dudes and dudes into weird acrobatic sports and all I can say is she's missing out by sticking to straight dudes). Plus, Chicago beats Brooklyn hands down. Rachelle said something about the entire city of New York needing to take a pot nap, and I suspect she's right. I can't deal with NYC at all.

Anyway what was my point? (I was out getting trashed at gay bars all night so I lack focus here). Ah yes! I finally installed sitemeter in this blog to see if anyone besides Shawn reads it and it seems that 90% of the google referrals that lead to my blog are searches for Tracie Egan, wtf.

School for Scandal's new motto: like Slut Machine, but fatter, gayer, less drugged-out and blonde. And younger too, but only marginally. And no way am I a dog person. Actually that's pretty stupid. Whatevs, I'm drunk.

CTA drama

ZOMG, angry Trannies on the red line! Rachelle posted this and I was like, CHICAGO REPRAZENT!!!

This love letter to the CTA is pretty amusing, too.

I had a little CTA drama of my own today. I was getting on the train, a dude was coming off, there was PLENTY OF ROOM for him to get off as we were the only people coming in/out of the doors, so what does he do? Blocks my way, SHOVES ME, and says "EXCUSE ME, LET PEOPLE OFF THE TRAIN BEFORE YOU GET IN!" in the most terrible snippy voice.

Dude, what is your fucking problem? It is NEVER okay to lay your hands on a stranger and create that sort of drama. Instead of just getting off the train, he went out of his way to block and SHOVE a woman who is smaller than him!!! It wasnt exactly like I was barreling in while a bunch of people were trying to get off, and the door is plenty big enough for two people to pass through at the same time. I was so angry that I probably would have threatened him with my shoe if he weren't already off the train at that point. UGH.

In spite of this, and last night's snow storm that was like a big fuck you to the week of spring weather we had before (my friend from Berkeley who moved here recently was all like, "It's fifty degrees! Spring is here early!" and I replied "Just you wait, there's gonna be a snowstorm," and dammit, did I call it?) I love Chicago. Chicago is a city like a good marriage- comfort food, abiding love, and plenty of sex. And a train system that is full of crazy people and yet pretty good in spite of everything.

My favorite things <3

Because I'm a compulsive blogger, I have THREE, yes, count em THREE blogs. The other two are semi private ones on Livejournal and Myspace and Livejournal users are on strike for the next 24 hours and I'm in an uncharacteristically good mood so I thought I would share with you all the things that are making me happy lately.

1. The fact that Gnarls Barkley dropped their new album early. The official reason? “With the shifting seasons, furtive romantic entanglements and fierce college basketball rivalries, the latter half of March can be confusing. People need to be soothed and inspired now." THUS SPAKE CEE-LO. Oh Cee-Lo, did I really need another reason to love you, my chunky darling?

2. The Lords of the New Church. I heard Nouvelle Vague's bossa nova cover of "Dance With Me," while buying a piece of maple pecan pie at Pie on Pi Day, and it inspired me to pull out my LotNC records and enjoy Russian Roulette on vinyl. RIP Stiv Bators!! RIP Kat, the girl who got me into LotNC when I was a teenager!

3. The pecan pie I ate at that pie shop was truly outstanding, and for $4.50, it needed to be.

4. Also delicious were the eggy rice flour crepes I made for dinner tonight, topped with yogurt, raspberries and banana.

5. I went to Lush today and spent $50 on a bottle of shower gel and a bottle of conditioner. Lush is the greatest love hate relationship of my life since Japan. I hated working for them, but goddam I loved the discount.



That's me with my juicy, delicious bottles of American Cream Conditioner (which makes my hair smell like vanilla-honey ice cream) and Olive Branch shower gel (which makes the rest of me smell like ripe tangerines). The light in my living room makes it look like I'm in a 1960's porn (a beauty product porn!!) Sweet!

6. Murakami's Kafka on the Shore is amazing.

7. The fucking fabulous hair cut and dye job my special lady Kat @ Milios Salon gave me on Sunday. She uses a toner on my hair called White Lady that really gets it paper white. Fantastico!

8. My gay boyfriends, who I love FOREVER.

9. My awesome friend David at Seibei is sending me the Gay Mishima shirt that's getting discontinued. DAVID IS THE BEST, GO BUY HIS SHIRTS AND MAKE HIM RICH AND FAMOUS.

10. I am going to spend the rest of my evening watching America's Next Top Model on Youtube and doing my nails. Just try and stop me.

My back door brings nothing but trouble.

Okay, that tagline sounds kind of wrong. My ass is fine, thank you, I'm talking about the literal back door to my apartment.

I live in a largeish studio, there is a door that leads from my kitchen to the back porch, that has a window with a grill on it. When I first moved in, I didnt have a curtain up and a strange neighbor of mine came peeping in asking if I wanted any kittens. Actually, he was asking if I wanted to get high, eat some persian food and fuck, but that is a long and detailed shenanigan that I already wrote an essay about elsewhere.

So anyway, I nailed some fabric over the window so that I don't have to deal with strange neighbors offering me kittens anymore.

Yesterday, however, I was doing my dishes and I hear a kind of scraping noise at my back door. I tweak out, lift up the curtain and see a tiny swarthy man in a hat staring back at me. It was like something from an Aphex Twin video!! I was severely freaked out, worried that maybe my door was unlocked (it wasnt, thank god) yelled "GO AWAY" and yanked the curtain down. I checked again a few minutes later and he was gone so I decide not to call the police.

I posted about this on my myspace blog and now my friends are speculating that it was a Leprechaun or a Duende (a Latin American elf/troll/gnome?). However, I'd like to point out that this man, while short in stature, was wearing a beanie, not a jaunty hat!

Happy St. Paddy's day!!!

Get yer drank on, Midwesterners!!!

Check out my South Loop bar reviews in this week's Chicago Reader!

Youtube trumps prozac anyday

I can't deal with posting anything of substance today, so I would like to share with you my SECRET WEAPON FOR CHEERING MYSELF UP! (Youtube). Seriously, my ex boyfriend Erik used to bring me out of my funks by playing Morning Musume videos and dancing. (find yourself a boyfriend like that if you can!!!)

1.

"Sensual Seduction" by Snoop Dogg. How did I miss this one? Thanks, Sassy.

2.
"Good Life" by Kanye. Not anything new, but it always cheers me the fuck up. UP! I say.

3.
La Pequena Amy Winehouse. Nothing entertains quite like Chilean transvestite midgets dressed like Amy Winehouse. And the fact zhe pronounces it "Ammie Weenhouse." Weenhouse, indeed. Thanks, Ash.

4.
The Chewbacca defense. With portuguese subtitles.

Coffee time!!!

THE BEST GODDAM THING EVER!

Fried chicken from Pollo Campero.



Also, the biscuits and platanos were good too. Holy jesus. This is all I want to eat for the next year.

Also, I foolishly assumed this was a Chicago chain but apparently they have stores in China, Indonesia and Central America too.

Weekly TV Round Up

TALS:

-Nice teabag dance, Shawn.

-BTW, when you called Mark "Razza" all I heard was "Raisa" ie, Raisa Gorbachev, then I realized you were referencing the "Razor Rizato" shtick.

-JAMES ST. JAMES on the judging panel!!!!! Oh crap! I am a huge fan of disco bloodbath, it was nice to see the old boy kicking. Now, if Calpernia had gotten Michael Alig on the panel, I would have fallen to the floor panting "DIVA! DIVA!"

-Re: Miss Kitty- it's nice to see there are still fat people in LA.

- Mike reminds me of Justin, this beefy Lacrosse playing dude I knew in college who was ripped yet dorky in the same way as Mike. I once took a picture of him in my red mesh bellyshirt and put it on my website and he got hopping mad and threatened to "melt" the html on my Angelfire website. Um....yeah.

ANTM:

-They took Claire, the most beautiful girl ever, and gave her Joan Jett hair, which does make her look like a dyke, but doesn't actually make her prettier. She wasn't broke, why did they feel the need to fix her?

-Tyra kept talking about how Fatima only "models from the waist up". Okay, this seems a tad cruel considering this woman has no clitoris and her vajay was sewn shut as a child. I don't think Fatima is a bitch- she just reminds me of my ex-Japanese boss in that she makes a lot of brutally honest observations that people don't like to hear. She can win this thing if she has some big sobby emotional breakthrough.

-Tyra pronounces Katarzyna's name like it's a VD: "Catarh-gina". Ew.


Yo Gabba Gabba on Nick JR:
This got written up on Jezebel a while back and I had the pleasure of catching a few minutes of it recently. It's basically electroclash themed children's programming that seems to be made by hipsters on drugs. It's the sort of thing that plays on TVs at clubs and bars to provide "ambience." The irony is if this was on Japanese TV, I wouldn't blink at all...I can't decide if I love it or if it's just trying way too hard. I mean, once upon the time, Sesame Street was pretty psychedelic and cutting edge too. Well, check out this clip of Biz Markee farting into a mike and judge for yourself?



The Millionaire Matchmaker:
I don't really have anything to say about this show except that while I disagree with pretty much everything Patti Stanger says (if I waited her suggested 3-6 months to do the nasty with a dude I'd probably still be a virgin), I can't help but love her in all of her horrible, zaftig, heart shaped diamond necklace and red pantsuit wearing Jewish princess glory. I'd love to get her high and listen to her critique guys I've dated. Why is someone so horrible so lovable? She's probably a Scorpio, and I love Scorpios.



Anyway, there's a clip of Ellen putting the smack down on Patti!

My Love-Hate Thing With Nu-Folk, Part Three: CocoRosie

It is exceedingly difficult for me to snark on CocoRosie, even though they follow the same Nu-Folk template as Devendra (hell, Bianca Casady is/was dating Devendra) and Joanna (harps, creepy voices). But CocoRosie own the hell out of me. It is not that I don't love pretension, it's just that I'm selectively pretentious.

Legend has it that Bianca and Sierra Casady are estranged sisters who were reunited in Paris when Sierra was studying opera and Bianca was travelling the world, though there are detractors that claim that Sierra and Bianca are not really sisters and just pulling a Jack & Meg White sibling shtick.



I dunno, I think their eyes look alike. And they are both so fucking hot. In photos they always appeared to be having champagne soaked bubblebaths and slumber parties and wearing mustaches for fun. They are more on the urban magick side of the hippy dippy spectrum, with genderfuckery and Pierre and Gillesque dreamy imagery. They appear to be living life as a luxurious adventure.

Please observe the following video:



It is pretty hard not to fall in love with Bianca as she asserts: "if you think you're gonna get away from me, you better change your mind," grinding all up in her 2Pac teeshirt and sweat pants, looking like the hottest Nu-Folk ca. '94 thug babe ever. I admit that folk's ironic appropriation of hip hop and R&B usually bugs the hell out of me, but this is one cover that just works, because it doesn't feel ironic...it feels like baby makin' music. Sorry, Kevin Lyttle, you just got served.



South 2nd: This isn't an official video, but the weird blips combined with Sierra's heartbroken voice on this song KILLS me.



Rainbow Warriors= My hippy Jam/anthem. Sierra and Bianca macking dressed as a mustachioed soldier boys? TOTALLY HOT. (Sierra looks like Daniel Day Lewis!)

Alright, enough blind devotion.

Next on the queue of Nu Folk ridicness: Antony and The Johnsons, Death In June (Nu-Nazi folk!) and god knows what else.