Monday, April 28, 2008
Pot Psychology
My friend Mike and I spend a lot of time arguing about the relative health risks of ATMs (that's Anal to Mouth sex, not cash machines though I imagine those are pretty hazardous as well). So I decided to write to Rich and Tracie at Pot Psychology and they (sort of!) answered my question which is, yes, you can get e-coli in your upper GI which can make you sick. I guess it's just a question of how poopy your colon is prior to boning.
Aw, that made my evening. Actually, interviewing the AMAZING and inspiring Alexyss K. Tylor made my evening but you will have to wait til I finish transcribing the interview to share my joy. For now, just watch this clip!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
I'm just being Bianky. or drunk?
I wish I could blame "bein Miley" for my occasionally socially awkward behavior. I think "Miley" should be a new adjective for socially awkard behavior!!!
Instead, I will blame boozahol. Or lack of sleep.
Also, if I were celebrity, I'd want to have such a reputation for being a nutjob that if I shaved my head or handed out popsicles or whatever, people would realize that I was just bein' Miley and not actually having a meltdown. Hell, I've done stranger things.
Update: Looks like Miley is just bein Miley with her ZOMG vaguely topless photo! I made this post before this shit broke, actually simply because "see you again" was stuck in an evil loop in my head.
A couple of observations...
1. Why is being a commitmentphobe considered a bad thing? Honestly, I think it's just a form of self-preservation. I think I've saved myself a lot of bullshit by not trying to be in a relationship with certain people.
2. Why is the most effective way to get laid is to not want to get laid? (And you really have to not want to get laid, faking doesn't count). My friend A. is doing this thing where he doesn't cum for a month, and women are coming out of the woodwork! And it seems like when I'm busy doing something important, that's when men come from near and far wanting to bone me, because they know I'm too busy for their shit! What the heck!! Also, when you're about to hook up with someone and some other person who has been stringing along calls you in the middle of the hook up even though there's no way they'd know what's going down, that's what I call THE PSYCHIC COCKBLOCK! It's like their subconscious is jealous!
That is the extent of my pithy wisdom for today.
2. Why is the most effective way to get laid is to not want to get laid? (And you really have to not want to get laid, faking doesn't count). My friend A. is doing this thing where he doesn't cum for a month, and women are coming out of the woodwork! And it seems like when I'm busy doing something important, that's when men come from near and far wanting to bone me, because they know I'm too busy for their shit! What the heck!! Also, when you're about to hook up with someone and some other person who has been stringing along calls you in the middle of the hook up even though there's no way they'd know what's going down, that's what I call THE PSYCHIC COCKBLOCK! It's like their subconscious is jealous!
That is the extent of my pithy wisdom for today.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Shameless Self Promotion
Check out the "Quench" section (final page) of the May/June issue of Imbibe magazine- they published my essay about sake and Japanese office culture!
I have a sweet assed bio with a photo, too!
The ZED451 Love Experience
When I left my three month internship at the Chicago Reader, the food dept. was kind enough to gift me with an invite to the open house of a new Brazilian-style churrascaria (shoo-has-cah-ree-ah= steakhouse) type joint on the Near North Side of Chicago called ZED451. I am an enthusiastic carnivore and got hooked on churrascarias while living in Japan, where you could gorge yourself on tons of meat for a relatively low price (usually $20-$30, and meat is expensive in Japan!) and be waited on hand and foot by beautiful Brazilian men wielding swords and slabs of meat. (*dreamy sigh*) Unfortunately most of the places in Chicago (Brazzaz, Texas De Brazil and so forth) charge about $50 a person. My ex girlfriend offered to take me out to one of these places for my 26th birthday and I refused, settling for pizza so we could save money for our apartment deposit (news flash: she dumped me a month later!) And as my 28th birthday fell on the same week as the open house, I was pretty excited about getting to gorge myself on delicious meats.
I brought my lovely friend Ellie Maybe aka Eli (buy her band's CD!) as a date. Rather, she demanded to be my plus-one after she found a copy of the ZED451 busser's handbook that had been tossed out of the window of a speeding car. The pages-long manual read like a guide for callgirls, not busboys: emphasized that customers should be given a "love experience," (their words not mine) that they should form an "emotional connection" with the restaurant staff and even be hugged by their servers on the way out. No, I am not making this up.
"Do you think their bussers will even speak enough English to understand this manual?" she asked snarkily.
I had managed to find the perfect black velvet cocktail dress at Brown Elephant the day before and Eli looked appropriately stunning (I told her that I wanted to give the appearance of being a femme powerdyke couple, she insisted she was going to tell people that she was a callgirl I'd hired for the event), but I still felt hideously out of place as I walked into the palatial glass hive of a restaurant- I was raised by working class Buddhist hippies in a Mexican/Black/Indian neighborhood in Northern California and to this day, I always feel really weird being surrounded by large groups of bourgeois white people with entitlement complexes. Inferiority complex aside, Eli and I decided the only way to cope with feeling conspicuously queer and blue collar was to get drunk- Scotch for her, a blackberry mojito for me (they didn't have any vanilla vodka, so my signature vanilla vodka/soda/cherry cocktail was out). They had the bar set up in stations which meant an annoying delay with the drinks, but I really can't complain too much about free booze. A waiter offered us hunks of English toffee (weird, but yum!) Another dude came by with a slab of beef, bragged about how he'd cooked it for ten hours, then walked away without offering us any. We decided it was time to find food.
They had a buffet set up with a variety of vegetables, cheeses and so forth- I am not a huge fan of green beans, but the green beans in vanilla sauce (combining savories with vanilla seems to be the the pretentious culinary trick du jour) actually defied my expectations and were tasty, as were the stewed pears and the cheesy fondue (I think I blacked out about everything else I put in my mouth, but those things were all excellent). The meat sampling was restricted to a narrow, galley-like bar packed with sweaty beef-scarfing dudes. Eli and I managed to weasel our way in but were somewhat bewildered by the lack of cutlery- a major oversight for this event. The rump roast was garlicky delicious and I enjoyed the parmesan encrusted porkchops (which Eli said tasted like they had been breaded with "white cheddar cheez-its") but one of the other beef cuts was tough and undercooked, the ribs were gross, and Eli's salmon was underdone. Kind of hit or miss, though that's to be expected with a new restaurant. I was not overly impressed by the desserts either- while the english toffee and raspberry pannacotta was excellent, all of the chocolately things were way too sweet, suffering from what I call "Ethel M Syndrome" (when the proportion is cocoa fat to sugar is way off balance). I would have preferred they skip the gold leaf on the chocolate tarts and spent the money on better chocolate.
Our bartender was hotter than this dude.
We were handed $50 gift cards on the way out (dang!) and Eli became quite distraught upon realizing that none of the servers had hugged us, and insisted that the handsome doorman give her a hug. And then give me a hug too. And thus, our ZED451 Love Experience (tm) was complete!
Ellie's yelp review here
ZED451 homepage here
I brought my lovely friend Ellie Maybe aka Eli (buy her band's CD!) as a date. Rather, she demanded to be my plus-one after she found a copy of the ZED451 busser's handbook that had been tossed out of the window of a speeding car. The pages-long manual read like a guide for callgirls, not busboys: emphasized that customers should be given a "love experience," (their words not mine) that they should form an "emotional connection" with the restaurant staff and even be hugged by their servers on the way out. No, I am not making this up.
"Do you think their bussers will even speak enough English to understand this manual?" she asked snarkily.
I had managed to find the perfect black velvet cocktail dress at Brown Elephant the day before and Eli looked appropriately stunning (I told her that I wanted to give the appearance of being a femme powerdyke couple, she insisted she was going to tell people that she was a callgirl I'd hired for the event), but I still felt hideously out of place as I walked into the palatial glass hive of a restaurant- I was raised by working class Buddhist hippies in a Mexican/Black/Indian neighborhood in Northern California and to this day, I always feel really weird being surrounded by large groups of bourgeois white people with entitlement complexes. Inferiority complex aside, Eli and I decided the only way to cope with feeling conspicuously queer and blue collar was to get drunk- Scotch for her, a blackberry mojito for me (they didn't have any vanilla vodka, so my signature vanilla vodka/soda/cherry cocktail was out). They had the bar set up in stations which meant an annoying delay with the drinks, but I really can't complain too much about free booze. A waiter offered us hunks of English toffee (weird, but yum!) Another dude came by with a slab of beef, bragged about how he'd cooked it for ten hours, then walked away without offering us any. We decided it was time to find food.
They had a buffet set up with a variety of vegetables, cheeses and so forth- I am not a huge fan of green beans, but the green beans in vanilla sauce (combining savories with vanilla seems to be the the pretentious culinary trick du jour) actually defied my expectations and were tasty, as were the stewed pears and the cheesy fondue (I think I blacked out about everything else I put in my mouth, but those things were all excellent). The meat sampling was restricted to a narrow, galley-like bar packed with sweaty beef-scarfing dudes. Eli and I managed to weasel our way in but were somewhat bewildered by the lack of cutlery- a major oversight for this event. The rump roast was garlicky delicious and I enjoyed the parmesan encrusted porkchops (which Eli said tasted like they had been breaded with "white cheddar cheez-its") but one of the other beef cuts was tough and undercooked, the ribs were gross, and Eli's salmon was underdone. Kind of hit or miss, though that's to be expected with a new restaurant. I was not overly impressed by the desserts either- while the english toffee and raspberry pannacotta was excellent, all of the chocolately things were way too sweet, suffering from what I call "Ethel M Syndrome" (when the proportion is cocoa fat to sugar is way off balance). I would have preferred they skip the gold leaf on the chocolate tarts and spent the money on better chocolate.
Our bartender was hotter than this dude.Eli had developed a raging crush on one of the bartenders, so we retired to the bar for more drinkies and to bitch about our mutual ex-lover (who is really everyone in our social circle's ex-lover). I indulged in a few different girly cocktails- the cucumber sage martini was excellent, I enjoyed the strawberry kiwi one as well, though it's not the type of thing I drink usually. Eli's lust object bartender accidentally sprayed us with a bottle of orange juice (and it's probably for the best that it landed on us rather than the other patrons since we were drunk enough to find it funny, especially when he said "I hope I didn't get that in your eye!") Eli wanted to slip him her number but by the time I found a pen he'd finished his shift at the bar and she was forced to give it to his coworker who probably trashed it instead.
We were handed $50 gift cards on the way out (dang!) and Eli became quite distraught upon realizing that none of the servers had hugged us, and insisted that the handsome doorman give her a hug. And then give me a hug too. And thus, our ZED451 Love Experience (tm) was complete!
Ellie's yelp review here
ZED451 homepage here
An open letter to straight dudes about sex and privilege
In today's Savage Love, Dan Savage suggests to a woman struggling with anal sex that she and her boyfriend engage in "a consciousness-raising session that involves you doing the boyfriend's ass with a dildo that's roughly the same size as his dick." I loved this, because I think it cuts to the core of some bullshit- the fact that a lot of straight dudes expect their women to bend over backwards for them sexually, but become uptight when the tables are turned.
Dudes:
-If you want head on an ongoing basis, make sure as hell you reciprocate. (that goes for ladies too, naturally).
-If you want to be a Dom, learn to be sub first. Don't dish out pain you don't understand and wouldn't be able tolerate yourself. I am also vaguely annoyed that many Dommes sub to a male Dom and yet I know very few male Doms that sub to female Dommes. The first Dom I really bonded with, at age 18, was straight, but subbed to an old guard male Dom in a non-sexual context as part of his process of learning to be a Dom. That's the real deal there.
-If you're a sub, have genuine respect for your Domme. This is the reason there are so many paid Dommes out there- noone will want to put up with your shit for free if you're an idiot.
-If you want a threesome with your lady and another girl, be willing to have a threesome with her and another guy (you don't even have to touch him, okay, just be open to doing it). And if you're dating a bi chick, don't assume that she's dating girls for your sexual amusement.
In a nutshell: don't dish it out if you can't take it. Don't make demands that you wouldn't be willing to reciprocate. Ladies want you to have a good time in the sack, but we also want to be respected and have our needs met too, and that's not too much to ask. Rant over.
Dudes:
-If you want head on an ongoing basis, make sure as hell you reciprocate. (that goes for ladies too, naturally).
-If you want to be a Dom, learn to be sub first. Don't dish out pain you don't understand and wouldn't be able tolerate yourself. I am also vaguely annoyed that many Dommes sub to a male Dom and yet I know very few male Doms that sub to female Dommes. The first Dom I really bonded with, at age 18, was straight, but subbed to an old guard male Dom in a non-sexual context as part of his process of learning to be a Dom. That's the real deal there.
-If you're a sub, have genuine respect for your Domme. This is the reason there are so many paid Dommes out there- noone will want to put up with your shit for free if you're an idiot.
-If you want a threesome with your lady and another girl, be willing to have a threesome with her and another guy (you don't even have to touch him, okay, just be open to doing it). And if you're dating a bi chick, don't assume that she's dating girls for your sexual amusement.
In a nutshell: don't dish it out if you can't take it. Don't make demands that you wouldn't be willing to reciprocate. Ladies want you to have a good time in the sack, but we also want to be respected and have our needs met too, and that's not too much to ask. Rant over.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Nu-Folk Romancin!
Okay, and I thought it was weird that Joanna Newsome and Andy Samberg were doin' it...Now Natalie Portman is letting Devendra do her up the butt with hemp seed oil lubricant! (In my fantasy, anyway).
Ice Cream and Rainbows are swell!
I have lots of things I want to post about and I'm still transcribing my interview with Shawn but I will post a brief update in the interim:
1. I celebrated my 2 year anniversary of living in Chicago last Monday. New York and California can suck it, I love Chicago more than ever. It doesn't hurt that it's 74 degrees today either.
2. Slut Machine posted the Mariah Carey meltdown which I am actually going to use as a teaching aid for today's ESL lesson (I taught my student about celebrity handlers last week and he's a Mariah fan). Mariah Carey's meltdown is like me on a normal day. And I don't think there's anything weird about wanting a day to eat ice cream and look at rainbows!
3. The fact that 90% of the referring searches that lead people to my blog are for Tracie Egan (aka Slut Machine) continues to drive me slowly insane. The fact that she has my dream job and I don't, and that she reminds me both of my ex girlfriend and a girl I'm fucking now, as well as my now estranged lesbro who got me into One D at a Time only adds to the weirdness factor.
4. I turn 28 on Monday and my "ex husband" bought me a frydaddy! I have probably mentioned this before but I still think it's the coolest thing ever. Chicagoites are invited to my frydaddy party on monday!
1. I celebrated my 2 year anniversary of living in Chicago last Monday. New York and California can suck it, I love Chicago more than ever. It doesn't hurt that it's 74 degrees today either.
2. Slut Machine posted the Mariah Carey meltdown which I am actually going to use as a teaching aid for today's ESL lesson (I taught my student about celebrity handlers last week and he's a Mariah fan). Mariah Carey's meltdown is like me on a normal day. And I don't think there's anything weird about wanting a day to eat ice cream and look at rainbows!
3. The fact that 90% of the referring searches that lead people to my blog are for Tracie Egan (aka Slut Machine) continues to drive me slowly insane. The fact that she has my dream job and I don't, and that she reminds me both of my ex girlfriend and a girl I'm fucking now, as well as my now estranged lesbro who got me into One D at a Time only adds to the weirdness factor.
4. I turn 28 on Monday and my "ex husband" bought me a frydaddy! I have probably mentioned this before but I still think it's the coolest thing ever. Chicagoites are invited to my frydaddy party on monday!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Congratulations Shawn!!!
Shawn, the contestant on Transamerican Love Story who found my blog after I pre-emptively called him a douchebag a while back who later proved himself to be made of awesome, won the show! And I had the luxury of calling him up post-season finale for an awesome rap session where we discussed deep fryers (I just received a frydaddy for my birthday, he apparently invested in a turkey deep fryer after the second episode) and where Blaine was compared the film on the bottom of a carton of poutine.
He was also awesome enough to give me THE PREMIERE INTERVIEW post-show. That means he talked to me before Howard Stern! Awwww! The interview will be posted soon, so stay tuned!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Bianca <3s Marvita
Last Friday I stayed in watching the stupid ANTM recap episode on YouTube since I'd spent Thursday night drinking at sheisty bars in the Ukrainian Village and generally not sleeping. I refuse to pay for the TALS recap because I hate recap eps, but I will watch them if they're free.
The ANTM recap only succeeded in making me regret Marvita's elimination even more. I also enjoyed Amis's rant about how great gay sex is and how she hates her boyfriend. And Anya's albino "ditzy pidgin speaking hawaiian" antics. This cycle is just wow....
That's a crappy screen cap of Marvita playing her pink guitar while wearing a fireman's hat and singing about Anya's shower. Scroll ahead to 8:17 in the below clip, and you can thank me later after you've enjoyed Marvita's skills.
Marvita, if you're anything like Shawn and you google yourself looking for mentions on blogs, I'd like you to know that I am TOTALLY in love with you and want to be your girlfriend. That's all!
The ANTM recap only succeeded in making me regret Marvita's elimination even more. I also enjoyed Amis's rant about how great gay sex is and how she hates her boyfriend. And Anya's albino "ditzy pidgin speaking hawaiian" antics. This cycle is just wow....
That's a crappy screen cap of Marvita playing her pink guitar while wearing a fireman's hat and singing about Anya's shower. Scroll ahead to 8:17 in the below clip, and you can thank me later after you've enjoyed Marvita's skills.
Marvita, if you're anything like Shawn and you google yourself looking for mentions on blogs, I'd like you to know that I am TOTALLY in love with you and want to be your girlfriend. That's all!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
My mom sent me this
How can I get a job as a writer?
This is SO dead on.
It's a dirty world out there, kids. Trying to be a writer for pay is not something I reccommend unless you really truly have no other options.
This is SO dead on.
It's a dirty world out there, kids. Trying to be a writer for pay is not something I reccommend unless you really truly have no other options.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Have you ever wanted to have tentacle sex?
Um, now you can.
It glows in the dark!
And it only gets worse.
Also, thanks Paul for tipping me off to slashdong.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
On TV!
I haven't been inspired to blog about TV much lately, I guess I've been busy with other stuff. I figured I should give a few updates, though....
Considering the controversy of "Pregnant Man" Thomas Beatie (who is alternately worshipped/reviled by my T dude friends) there is one very important fact that people are neglecting to consider- the fact that he's smoking hot. And I like me a man with a belly. It's like a beer belly full of baby! I am slightly confused how he continues to grow facial hair if he's been off T for several years, but I'm not exactly on expert on such things.
Top Model and Transamerican Love Story are pretty much the only shows I watch lately, this cycle of Top Model is pretty stunner especially after the crap-o previous cycle. Highlights thus far:
1. Tyra telling clitorally circumcised Fatima that she "only models from the waist up." So sensitive!
2. Marvita sitting around drinking forties with Lauren and going into paranoid Michael Jackson mode with a hat and scarf during her photo shoot.
3. Meat panties.
4. Dominique's special and unique brand of tranny crazy.
5. The fact that Anya's "prize" for winning a challenge was a fully nude photoshoot on a bed with "noted fashion photographer" Nigel Barker and that they had to blur out her vajay. So the set-up for a porn film!
I am sad about Nu-Folk Claire's early elimination. I am concerned that Stacy-Ann is going to make it to bottom three by the virtue of her bland inoffensiveness. I totally had Claire pegged for bottom three so now I'm all disoriented. The bad hair killed her mojo fo' sho.
TALS has been a pleasure to watch, though I'm a bit pissed about the lack of a Season Finale on itunes. GRRRR. Hopefully it will be up next week?
They're putting out a second season of A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila AND they're currently casting for Season 2 of the Pick Up Artist. I will definitely be watching the latter, the former not so much. And Domenico's show "That's Amore" is absofuckinglutely horrifying.
Alright, I'm going to bake some Mac n' cheese now.
Update:
Someone(s) needs to come over and help me eat this monstrosity!
LOLECTION 2008, Part 2
John McCain fangirling all over Heidi Montag's endorsement, being all ZOMG I NEVER MISS AN EPISODE OF THE HILLS.
Dude, if you actually watched The Hills (not that I do, or anything), you'd know Heidi is the villain!
MOST RIDIC POSTMODERN PRESIDENTIAL RACE EVAR
Dude, if you actually watched The Hills (not that I do, or anything), you'd know Heidi is the villain!
MOST RIDIC POSTMODERN PRESIDENTIAL RACE EVAR
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
LOLECTION 2008
I love that the presidential race has devolved into Hillary and Obama arguing over who is more like Rocky Balboa. It's like some dorky Rocky convention in Philly! I also like the part where she says "I won't quit, I won't get up..." Um, oops!
And there are people on Youtube claiming Obama plagiarized one of his speeches from Rocky IV. Awesome.
Um dudes, Rocky LOST to Apollo Creed in the first movie. Sorry. Get your pop culture straight!
Also, this clip almost makes me want to vote for McCain. Almost.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Polyamory vs. Fuckbuddies
I am going to write this essay knowing that it's going to make some people mad and other people tell me I'm "wrong." Then again nobody ever comments on my blog, so maybe not. I'm going to leave names out of it and give the disclaimer that this is all my opinion and y'all don't have to agree with it.
I was introduced to the concept of Polyamory- multiple committed relationships, honest non-monogamy, however you wish define it- at a young age. I was eighteen and some of my most formative (and in some ways scarring) sexual experiences were in the context of polyamory, or more accurately, me being a secondary partner in someone else's primary relationship. (shudder)
I embraced the term and the concept for a while but at some point I decided it didn't describe ME, so I use the term "non-monogamous" instead because it has less baggage. I know many poly people don't like that term for their own baggage related reasons. We could argue terminology for hours, but lets not.
I have never been in a committed relationship that was non-monogamous. Granted I've only been in two lasting real-deal R word relationships in my adult life, though I've had my share of casual boyfriends and lovers, fuckbuddies, whatever you want to call them. I am not great at R word relationships. And invariably, the people I do get into R word relationships with don't want to share. Which is ok in the beginning but causes problems as I tend to be more emotionally monogamous (If I have an intense emotionally connection with someone it tends to be all-consuming) and physically slutty. I can do about 6 months of monogamy comfortably before I find myself wanting to roam free. Although I do have a regular need for sex and affection, I don't really need a big R relationship to be happy because it seems to bring drama more often than not.
So, to be honest I'm not a huge advocate of polyamory OR monogamy, though I do find that for emotionally intense relationships, monogamy is easier. I don't care what the poly people say, juggling multiple egos is HARD WORK.
You know what does work (for me) pretty well, though? Fuckbuddies.
I find that dating a couple people who are not in committed relationships, who are reasonably honest and emotionally secure, works pretty damn well. I like them, they like me, we like fucking. My rules for fuckbuddies are much different than the overeducated nympho's. Obviously, every situation is different, and you have to do what you need to do to protect yourself emotionally, but I genuinely like my fuckbuddies as friends and as people. Sex may be the main act, but I cook them dinner, they cook me dinner, maybe we'll see a movie, they can spend the night, we'll hold hands in public. I even kept a toothbrush at the house of one fuckbuddy I dubbed my "casual husband" because we hung out almost every weekend. I believe you can genuinely care for or even love your fuckbuddies but still maintain reasonable emotional boundaries, just as you would with your friends who aren't lovers. So what's the difference between fuckbuddies and a committed relationship you ask? The lack of expectations. Giving yourself permission to cut someone slack and not feel obligated yourself seems to cut out just a huge wad of drama. You can enjoy them for who they are without heaping on the expectations and if the situation isn't working out, you can cut your losses and move on without a gory, traumatic break up. And usually stay on good terms or even be friends if the situation feels right. I am not making this up, and I am speaking from a good deal of personal experience here.
That's not to say I don't have a few rules of my own, however:
1. Don't be fuckbuddies with someone who has an existent primary relationship unless they've really got their shit worked out. It breeds competition and drama, and I don't like being told what I can and can't do with my lover by their girlfriend. In the rare case where everyone gets along it can be okay, but that's usually because the primary couple have a more laid back and emotionally detached relationship. I am fine with my fuckbuddies having other lovers, obviously, as long as their lovers don't try to control/manipulate me (and some will). Nobody needs that crap, so it's smart to call it when you see it instead of suffering in silence. And don't be a dumbass- if you know you're lover is going to be at a party with someone else, bring you're own date so you don't feel like a third wheel.
2. Don't have fuckbuddies if deep down a committed relationship is all you want. Don't be fuckbuddies with someone that you are totally crazy about or "crave" a committed relationship with as a compromise, it will torment you. The perfect fuckbuddy is a person that has good qualities and is sexy, but not someone you could see yourself in a serious relationship with. I can't believe how many women are like "oh, I like that guy but he's not fill in the blank so I don't want to date him." Please don't whine to me about how you never get laid if this is your attitude.
3. Have more than one, or have a busy schedule. I find having multiple love interests keeps me from getting two attached to any of them. Often the attachment you may feel might not be feelings for the actual person but a reflection of you latching on because you're not getting your needs met. If you're having lots of sex with good people, you'll feel less clingy or needy. Granted this is easier to do as a woman dating guys than as a guy dating women- I avoid dating women for the most part because I find they are clingier and needier than dudes and that can be quite draining. (That said there are plenty of clingy dudes or mellow women as well). Also fuckbuddies can be quite useful if you're too busy to deal with a real relationship but still want sex and companionship.
4. Take care of yourself first and make sure your needs are being met. Keep expectations LOW and call bullshit if they hold double standards about your behavior vs. theirs. Don't feel obligated to do anything you're not into and cut them a lot of slack as well. You are not grooming this person to be your future husband, they don't need to be perfect for you to have a good time.
5. If a situation isn't working, move on before it goes bad. Mounting resentment is generally a bad sign. If they're not feeling it, accept it and let go. If you're not feeling it, you have the right to end it. I've found more often than not, things drift apart naturally if the situation has run it's course. In some cases you may have a fuckbuddy who only calls once in a blue moon, it's up to you to decide whether or not that's something you're cool with.
6. One thing I do agree with Overeducated Nympho with- use the situation to have as much fun, freaky sex as you can handle, just play safe.
Anyway, that is the bizarro alternative relationship model that has worked reasonably well for me in the past few years. It's nice to have options beyond the monogamy/polyamory dichotomy.
I was introduced to the concept of Polyamory- multiple committed relationships, honest non-monogamy, however you wish define it- at a young age. I was eighteen and some of my most formative (and in some ways scarring) sexual experiences were in the context of polyamory, or more accurately, me being a secondary partner in someone else's primary relationship. (shudder)
I embraced the term and the concept for a while but at some point I decided it didn't describe ME, so I use the term "non-monogamous" instead because it has less baggage. I know many poly people don't like that term for their own baggage related reasons. We could argue terminology for hours, but lets not.
I have never been in a committed relationship that was non-monogamous. Granted I've only been in two lasting real-deal R word relationships in my adult life, though I've had my share of casual boyfriends and lovers, fuckbuddies, whatever you want to call them. I am not great at R word relationships. And invariably, the people I do get into R word relationships with don't want to share. Which is ok in the beginning but causes problems as I tend to be more emotionally monogamous (If I have an intense emotionally connection with someone it tends to be all-consuming) and physically slutty. I can do about 6 months of monogamy comfortably before I find myself wanting to roam free. Although I do have a regular need for sex and affection, I don't really need a big R relationship to be happy because it seems to bring drama more often than not.
So, to be honest I'm not a huge advocate of polyamory OR monogamy, though I do find that for emotionally intense relationships, monogamy is easier. I don't care what the poly people say, juggling multiple egos is HARD WORK.
You know what does work (for me) pretty well, though? Fuckbuddies.
I find that dating a couple people who are not in committed relationships, who are reasonably honest and emotionally secure, works pretty damn well. I like them, they like me, we like fucking. My rules for fuckbuddies are much different than the overeducated nympho's. Obviously, every situation is different, and you have to do what you need to do to protect yourself emotionally, but I genuinely like my fuckbuddies as friends and as people. Sex may be the main act, but I cook them dinner, they cook me dinner, maybe we'll see a movie, they can spend the night, we'll hold hands in public. I even kept a toothbrush at the house of one fuckbuddy I dubbed my "casual husband" because we hung out almost every weekend. I believe you can genuinely care for or even love your fuckbuddies but still maintain reasonable emotional boundaries, just as you would with your friends who aren't lovers. So what's the difference between fuckbuddies and a committed relationship you ask? The lack of expectations. Giving yourself permission to cut someone slack and not feel obligated yourself seems to cut out just a huge wad of drama. You can enjoy them for who they are without heaping on the expectations and if the situation isn't working out, you can cut your losses and move on without a gory, traumatic break up. And usually stay on good terms or even be friends if the situation feels right. I am not making this up, and I am speaking from a good deal of personal experience here.
That's not to say I don't have a few rules of my own, however:
1. Don't be fuckbuddies with someone who has an existent primary relationship unless they've really got their shit worked out. It breeds competition and drama, and I don't like being told what I can and can't do with my lover by their girlfriend. In the rare case where everyone gets along it can be okay, but that's usually because the primary couple have a more laid back and emotionally detached relationship. I am fine with my fuckbuddies having other lovers, obviously, as long as their lovers don't try to control/manipulate me (and some will). Nobody needs that crap, so it's smart to call it when you see it instead of suffering in silence. And don't be a dumbass- if you know you're lover is going to be at a party with someone else, bring you're own date so you don't feel like a third wheel.
2. Don't have fuckbuddies if deep down a committed relationship is all you want. Don't be fuckbuddies with someone that you are totally crazy about or "crave" a committed relationship with as a compromise, it will torment you. The perfect fuckbuddy is a person that has good qualities and is sexy, but not someone you could see yourself in a serious relationship with. I can't believe how many women are like "oh, I like that guy but he's not fill in the blank so I don't want to date him." Please don't whine to me about how you never get laid if this is your attitude.
3. Have more than one, or have a busy schedule. I find having multiple love interests keeps me from getting two attached to any of them. Often the attachment you may feel might not be feelings for the actual person but a reflection of you latching on because you're not getting your needs met. If you're having lots of sex with good people, you'll feel less clingy or needy. Granted this is easier to do as a woman dating guys than as a guy dating women- I avoid dating women for the most part because I find they are clingier and needier than dudes and that can be quite draining. (That said there are plenty of clingy dudes or mellow women as well). Also fuckbuddies can be quite useful if you're too busy to deal with a real relationship but still want sex and companionship.
4. Take care of yourself first and make sure your needs are being met. Keep expectations LOW and call bullshit if they hold double standards about your behavior vs. theirs. Don't feel obligated to do anything you're not into and cut them a lot of slack as well. You are not grooming this person to be your future husband, they don't need to be perfect for you to have a good time.
5. If a situation isn't working, move on before it goes bad. Mounting resentment is generally a bad sign. If they're not feeling it, accept it and let go. If you're not feeling it, you have the right to end it. I've found more often than not, things drift apart naturally if the situation has run it's course. In some cases you may have a fuckbuddy who only calls once in a blue moon, it's up to you to decide whether or not that's something you're cool with.
6. One thing I do agree with Overeducated Nympho with- use the situation to have as much fun, freaky sex as you can handle, just play safe.
Anyway, that is the bizarro alternative relationship model that has worked reasonably well for me in the past few years. It's nice to have options beyond the monogamy/polyamory dichotomy.
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