I am queer. I am a “biological” woman who likes to fuck men.
I am genderqueer. I have a vagina and like to wear dresses.
Confused? I will try to explain, though most of the time it’s easier not to.
Invisible queerness. Invisible transgender. Passing privileges- but exactly who and what am I passing as? People tend to assume I am a lesbian by my short hair and swagger. They looked at me like I’m a dirty tissue when I say, no, I mostly sleep with men. Soiled in their eyes. Un-queered. So much for queer as an inclusive “umbrella” term.
I’ve had sex with women, and I probably will again. But it’s not lesbians that identify with, as much as I love them as friends. It’s gay men. Gay men, I understand like none other. They understand me. And I can’t help but be attracted to them, even if I don’t act on my desires. Instead, I find the men, who, like me, are queer but like to sleep with women. Men who prefer anal sex and fisting to straight intercourse, men who wear eyeliner and skirts, men who sit down to pee because they don’t give a damn about being perceived as being “manly enough.” Men who have been called “faggot” their whole lives for refusing to conform, when ironically, they love women.
And we exist, queerly heterosexual, guy dykes and girl fags in love.
I am a femme androgyne, a fagette, masculine in short hair and muscles, feminine in lipstick and heels. I am man and woman as one, and I refuse to pick a side. I love having big breasts and rocking a 10” strap on at the same time.
My man- self is a femme faggot. Johnny Weir ice dancing to Lady Gaga in roses and sequins. Oscar Wilde, a sissy genius in lavender silk with a poison pen.
My woman- self is a lusty warrior. Grace Jones in a James Bond film, power-lifting a full-grown man over her head in haute couture and heels. French novelist, burlesque dancer and body builder Colette, dressed in a 19th century men’s suit.
I am queer. I am genderqueer. I am femme.
And if you can’t wrap your brain around that, well, I wasn’t planning on sleeping with you anyway.
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14 comments:
This is EXACTLY how I feel. mm. Thank you so much.
Exactly how I feel..I saw your pos on facebook and I liked it.
I liked the way you express yourself
Thank you!
I cannot express enough how much this resonates with me in so many ways only in reverse as a cis-male.
OMG thank you for this! I have always felt like this and i am so often looked at as a straight girl..which is so far from the truth! I didnt know anyone else understood this so perfectly. :) THANK YOU!
Dear Bianca,
Even as someone who is part of the LGBT world, I can't say I fully understand how you feel (or even begin to), but I just wanted to say that I completely support this post and I think it takes a great deal of courage, not just to confront and accept identifying as something outside even one norm, such as being heterosexual, but several. You seem to somehow have worked it out and, well fuck, kudos.
You seem happy and I think that's the most important thing, no matter what anyone thinks, or does or doesn't understand.
~S
Uhm.. hi.
My names Abigail
Though sometimes.. most of the time.. i like Mathis.
My lesbian friend found your post on a tumbler account and while i she was over said "Hey i found someone like you" and she read it out loud. I have alot of questions, if theres anyway to talk?
I dont have a blogger acount because i'm always afraid my parents will find it and well. lets just say my dads very homophobic.
My mom caught me in a binder(something to hide my boobs so i could be a boy for a day or two) and she said i should be happy as a girl because i was born that way. So i dont think she'd understand either. You can get in touch with me, that is if you even read this or are able to talk, At Dragon_bookworm@hotmail.com
Or just google 'Dragongirl515' and youll find most of my stuff.
thank you for sheding a little light that theres hope for people like me. And that i'm not the only one out there.
Ive been confussed for quite too long.
It really makes me happy that others are getting so much out of this piece. There's a lot of us, we just don't have much visibility...yet.
Exactly me too. Thanks for this. It's a funny place to be, somewhere between. It's also kind of sad, for me at least, because it means I can't be out and if I were, it would be weird from both LGBT and straight sides. Hence the anonymity.
This piece is just sooo perfect. If i ever find a partner who shares this way of being;i will be lost forever! Thank You
obviously there are many of us who have a similar experience to yours regarding life and sexuality. Your ability to express how so many of us feel is a deep gift. We are clearly not alone and as long as you live in a relatively urban setting, just look around. We are everywhere.
Y O U .
Referenced / linked / wicked
R U L I N G .
[ ♥ ]
OMG Clint- you were so my idol as a gothic teenager in the Bay Area in the nineties. I remember seeing you in the ladies room of a Switchblade Symphony show (or *something*) with a giant plastic syringe in your hair and just swooning. You have noooo idea the boner you commenting on my blog gives me.
Thank you
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