Your assumptions are killing me (don't fucking tell me what to do!)

Ok, this is a wack post where I rehash something that someone did on the internet that hurt me, but I need to get it off my chest.

I am currently feeling kind of upset because someone called me a "straight woman" to justify their opinion that I am dehumanizing my gay friends by referring to them as "my gays" in this article I wrote for XO Jane about enjoying men's fragrances.

Initially the commenter claimed that I'm treating my gay male friends like "dogs or handbags" by calling them "my gays." I replied that that's a super fucking demeaning slant that they're projecting onto my words, that has nothing to do with me. As far as I'm concerned, saying "my gays" is my equivalent of saying "my girls." My gays ARE my girls. We get together and paint our nails and drink cocktails and listen to records and gossip. And they were able to offer me some wonderful insight into the psychology behind selecting a perfume that I doubt any of my other friend demographics would be able to provide.

Then comes out the big guns of the Oppression Olympics:

Commenter accuses me of objectifying gay men because I am a "straight woman."

Readers, you know this already, but I DO NOT identify a straight woman.

If they had actually paid attention to the article there are hints that this may not actually be the case. But clearly this assumption is based on the fact that I'm FAAB (female-assigned at birth), and sleep with men.

In simplest terms, I am genderfluid/androgynous person who is pansexual, with a preference for masculine or androgynous people. I also identify as girlfag, an identity which is very fucking real, and also very fucking misunderstood. I am ok with having female or male pronouns used to describe me, (I am not a fan of zir or they for myself), and I will not get upset with you either way.

I've already written a bit about how PC policing in online communities (and IRL to some degree) is sometimes seriously counter productive. I do care about being sensitive to people's feelings, nor do I wish to be hurtful/hateful. But there also some ways where I feel that it's inappropriate to "call out" strangers, especially around controversial issues like reclaimed words (such as slut, fag, fatty, etc.) You don't know what that word means to that person, and telling them they can't say something because you perceive it as subjectively offensive feels a bit controlling and hostile. Personally, I LOVE reclaimed words. A lot of people hate them. I respect an individual's disdain for reclaimed words, and their choice not to use them. However, I DON'T think that gives them the right to tell me not to use me not to use them. Because guess what- my personal politics are also valid in this case. I am not a frat boy saying "THAT'S SO GAY" for funzies. If I want to call myself a girlfag, that's my FUCKING IDENTITY, and not an attack on anyone else. The people who attempt to online white knight for the rights of the queer community need to realize that I'm also member of the queer community, and I have rights, too.

Maybe the problem is it's too difficult to explain the nuances of these issues in online communities, but unfortunately it seems like this is where a lot of these discussions happen. A friend described me as being on the "bleeding edge" of queer identity, and that's going to lead to a lot of misunderstanding/invisibility. Trust me folks, I tried being a straight girl- it didn't work. I am not, in fact, a straight girl, even if you think I look like one. Nor am I a lesbian, which seems to be the other thing that people I assume I am.

I don't really care that much if people I assume I am a straight/lesbian woman based on my appearance if they are not an asshole about it. If it's a situation where I feel that it's important to explain that I'm not, then I will. What is 100% not cool is to use your assumption that I am a straight women to justify attacking my choice of language.

I'm a writer. I write like I talk. If you don't know me, you might misconstrue some of the things I say. I'm happy to explain my intent, if you're actually willing to listen to me. But I am not going to contort my voice to the point of extinction to attempt to avoid offending your easily-provoked sensibilities. Mutual respect is the name of the game. If you really think I'm truly being an ignorant asshole, call me out on it, but don't fucking attack me based on assumptions about who I am when you don't know me, and accept that I may have a totally different (and valid) take on things.

I have come to the conclusion that the Oppression Olympics is just another form of trolling. My New Year's resolution is to stop feeding the trolls.