On the prowl...My XOJane debut!

My essay about becoming a cougar for the summer is on the front page of XOJane today! Check it out!

Sex Toy Solo Smackdown: Popsicles, Icicles

First off, listen to this song while you read this review because it's fucking awesome:



Can you believe that Pipedream's "Icicles No. 17" is my first ever glass toy, and that it took Brazilian Maik suggesting I get something in glass? I've come to realize that I like hard toys best for G spot stimulation, and after some research (i.e. reading a review that compared this one to the Pure Wand) I decided to go with Icicles 17. And I am so glad I did!

There's a lot to love about this toy. First off, it's affordable: $45.99 (and 20% off if you buy it on Eden's before 10/28!) I would really recommend this to folks considering the Pure Wand who want to try a similar toy before making the big investment, or as a less expensive toy with a similar feel. It is not entirely identical, but the smooth, rounded head and G spot curve does create a sensation that is not unlike the Pure Wand, and might make you squirt if you apply firm pressure!. This toy is fantastic for G and A spot stimulation (Also nice for rubbing on your clit, and would probably work well for anal too, as it has a flared base.) Moreover, this toy is simply beautiful, and not as "head shoppy" looking as some glass toys. The 8.5" glass shaft (did I mention I like longer toys?) is deep indigo blue, and the 1 5/8" diameter ball-shaped head is clear, with a blown glass buttercup at its center. Really simple but pretty toy, and would make a nice coffee table ornament to boot. Glass is a really nice material for a toy, because it is hard and smooth, but lighter than steel (for those of you who find steel toys too weighty). It also retains heat and cold nicely, so you can stick it in the freezer and make a twatsicle (oh, the Murmaids would be so horrified)! If you like #17, there are 23 other Icicles styles, that are all very affordable!

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys, awesome retailer of vibrators, dildos, and other fine sex toys!

Sex Toy World Cup Round Three: Russia Vs. France (Part Two)

Yesterday, Russia did its thang with the Split Dildo. Now it's time for France to step up its game in the Sex Toy World Cup!

Team France: Wet For Her's "Two"
Retail Price: $39

Specs: Matte silicone. Available in white, light pink, fuchsia or black. 5.5" long, 1.5" wide, finger well is 3" deep.

Photo by Brazilian Maik

Appearance: Muppet fingers! Go team! Ok, this rivals the pink banana vibrator for sheer ridiculousness of appearance. This toy was allegedly designed by a pair of French lesbians who wanted a penetrative in design but didn't resemble a cock, but rather fingers, so it's basically digital sex on steroids. The "Two" is partly hollow so you can insert your fingers (kind of like a cock extender for your hand), and it kind of suctions on, so it stays firm regardless of the size of your fingers. I would not recommend these for anal play because they don't have a flared base (or an "ass eating preventative" as one reviewer once put it.)

Special Features: A perfect marriage between fingering and dildoing!

Orgasmic Factor: My platonic male lesbian lover Brazilian Maik and I hang out at the Chicago Pleasure Chest store a fair amount (partly because the staff are awesome and give me eye makeup tips)and we became enchanted with this bizarre toy. A staffer claimed it was awesome (she knew someone who had used it as just a dildo without inserting her fingers), and Maik finally gave in and got it for me as a birthday present! It has since been nicknamed "Fingarz" or the "French Lezbian Fuck Fingarz" just because "Two" is much too understated a moniker for such a ludricrous toy.

This is ok as a solo toy- you kind of have to crank your hand to use it with your own fingers inserted, which is not ideal. However, I discovered that a bullet vibe easily fits in the finger well, and you can use it like a regular vibrating dildo this way. It's uniquely shaped and feels nice on the G and A spots, as well as the clit.

However, where this toy really shines is in partner play. The finger sheath is thin enough that you can actually feel you partner's vag squeezing you as you fuck them! So you have more length and girth than with normal fingering, yet you're still in tune with their body in a way that is more difficult than with using a dildo with your hand or a harness. So I think this really does excel as a toy for anyone who enjoys fingering women, or people who want a penetrative toy that doesn't look like a penis. As ridiculous as they look, it really is a neat ideas that is versatile and works well!

Overall Grade: 8.5/10


FINAL VERDICT:
Team France emerges victorious! Both of these toys are great in concept, but "Two" simply delivers better on the idea, and is easier on the wallet.

I'm not sure who will compete in the next round- I got a new dildo from German Fun Factory, purchased a Japanese Tenga Fliphole for Brazilian Maik's birthday, A Swedish Lelo cock ring, and my friend Amy said I could borrow her German Mae B. vibrator, so we shall see...

Stuff I've loved reading recently

This post is long overdue. Here's a roundup of some stuff I've really enjoyed reading lately.

First off, shameless plug: check out my Guide to having fuckbuddies for straight women on the Huffington Post. It got picked up by the Style vertical, and is doing a pretty good job of horrifying the Hoi Polloi.

"iGive Up: Even in death Steven Jobs provides distraction" on SFS sister blog Sex Or Television: "In the span of one week, we saw the deaths of two civil rights pioneers, one of whom defined the modern gay rights movement, and the other a cornerstone of the last century's fight for racial equality. In that same week, a former CEO of a tech company died. Two gave hope and voice to millions. The other marketed shiny tech toys." YES!

Here's a great piece by Mo about being genderqueer AND fat on Original Plumbing. I can relate.

Everything Kitty Stryker writes for Good Vibes Magazine is fucking amazing. Especially this piece that intelligently iterates why it's damn hard to be a female dominant sometimes.

There's lots more, but that's probably enough for now.

Sex Toy World Cup Round Three: Russia Vs. France (Part One)

Welcome to Round One of School for Scandal's Sex Toy World Cup, a part of the Sex Toy Smackdown Series, which compares two toys to see which emerges victorious. For this series I am pairing similar toys (in function, price range, etc.) from different countries in a battle to get me off!

               Photo by Daniel Butler

Round three brings us a pair of eccentric, rare and exotic toys: Stimulative Innovation's "SplitDildo" from Russia (and it LITERALLY comes in a box from Russia, with love, no US retailers carry it yet to my knowledge) and Wet For Her's "Our Way Two," which was allegedly designed by French lesbians in Paris, though the company is now based in the US. Wet For Her products are a little bit tricky to find- half of their models out of stock on their own site, and not many retailers carry them. (I received mine as a birthday gift, and my friend purchased it from the Chicago Pleasure Chest store.)

The funny things about these two toys is they have almost identical dimensions, but are very different in design. Both of these toys are bubblegum pink (although available in other colors) and unlike any other toys on the market, which is probably why they are a bit hard to find. As an intrepid sex toy tester, I am here to try them and report!

Team Russia: The SplitDildo
Retail Price: $49.95

Specs: Matte silicone. Available in Pink, and Blue (they used to have other colors on the site, but not anymore). 5.5" long, the solid part is 1.5" wide, the split is 4" at its widest point.

Photo by Daniel Butler

Appearance: This dildo looks like a pair of bunny ears! It has a flared base (though I wouldn't advise using it for strap-on play), about an inch of solid dildo, and then it splits into two curved "stems." You press the stems together to insert it, and they spread internally, putting pressure on the top and back walls of the vagina. It can be used sideways too, though I don't think that would be as pleasurable. Not recommended for anal use, since I'm not sure if would be safe to anally dilate yourself 4".

Special Features: Simultaneous A-spot and P-spot stimulation.

Orgasmic Factor: My friend Sunny recommended this as her favorite A-spot toy, so I took the plunge and ordered one online. A few weeks later, it came in a mysterious box covered in Russian writing!!! (Insert "In Soviet Russian, you make sex toy come!" joke here.) It doesn't come with a way to store it, which is not actually something that I care about, but I know some folks like it when toys come with a nice pouch or box.

When inserted, the toy does create some interesting internal pressure. To be honest, I didn't enjoy the downward pressure so much, I would have preferred a "half split" so to speak. My main complaint about this toy is that at 5.5" it's not long enough- when you move it in and out, it has a tendency to pop out, and it's a pain to put back in. The website says it's a bit longer than my measurements (6.25" IIRC) so it's possible that they've changed the design a bit.  But I think this would need to be at least 7" with at least 2" of solid dildo to be good for solo play- there's not enough to hold onto and keep it anchored. I tried using it with a partner to see if that improved things, but she had the exact same problems with it. It's a shame because it's otherwise a great idea for a toy, and the G and A spot pressure is quite nice. I think it's a unique concept, but they would benefit from a slight redesign (making it longer) and more stateside distribution.
Overall Grade: 6.5/10.

Stay tuned for part two: FRANCE!

Reality check yourself.

Ok, today I want to talk about some shit that I think about a lot, but is hard to discuss in a sane fashion.

I'm talking about the way that people in feminist/queer/other marginalized communities constantly assume the worst of each other, attempt to "educate" each other in ways that are at times petty, condescending and inappropriate, and even verbally ATTACK each other over words and ideas they can't see eye to eye on.

If you participate in these communities, you probably know what I'm talking about.

Look, we all have stuff we're sensitive about. We all have words and ideas we think are important, or aggregiously offensive. That's our individual baggage, and not a community standard. We're all really burnt out by being treated like shit. We have a party line, sort of, that we are expected to adhere to, but line that is constantly shifting. For example: when I worked for my college's queer resource center in 2000, the emphasis was on legalizing gay marriage. I went to Japan for a year, came back, and all of the sudden we weren't fighting for gay marriage, we were were fighting to eliminate marriage as an institution. Who decides how we are supposed to think, as a community? And what happens when we don't think that way?

Confession: I don't read a lot of hardcore feminist blogs, because frankly, they exhaust me and frustrate me and tear at the fabric of my soul. I am treated like shit and marginalized by society all day long, but there's no respite in my communities either, just infighting. I pretty much quit reading Jezebel when I had someone tell me I am "appropriating black women's sexuality" for being a white woman with a big ass. I am not kidding.

So here's my theory. We have all this fucking baggage, and all these unique experiences and opinions and triggers. Yet, we're all supposed to kind of conform to a somewhat standard set of ideas of what it's ok to talk about and how to say it, when these ideas are actually kind of amorphous and wildly subjective. Reclaimed words are a perfect example of this- for some people identifying as a dyke, fag, tranny, slut may be an integral part of their identity. Other people may feel these words are unreclaimable hate speech. So who is right? If my identity offends you, should I change it to make you comfortable? Now think about the bigger picture: If my non-conformist identity is offensive mainstream society, should I change it to make people more comfortable? Which is more important at the end of the day- the need for personal truth, or the need to placate the offended?

Extreme political correctness can feel like moral panic. We rally against policy brutality and totalitarian brainwashing, then find ways to perpetuate it in our own communities.There's suffocating pressure to conform, to be sensitive to everyone's needs when it's not always clear what these needs are. Sometimes it feels like you are walking on eggshells, never good enough, you are always offensive because no matter how hard you try, people are looking for something to feel offended by.

I can think of several instances where my art and writing or another person's art or writing came under attack because someone projected their bullshit onto it without letting the artist have their say. A friend changed the photo on her album cover because an acquaintance decided it was racist (her face was painted silver, her partner's was painted pure black, but it was NOT "blackface" in a racist sense). She scrapped her art because someone deemed it offensive, when the art had nothing to do with that person's baggage in reality. A butch friend was attacked as "transphobic" for blogging about her sense of isolation in remaining butch as transitioning became the dominant trend. I was verbally assaulted by a white man, accused of being "racist" and "appropriating culture" when I performed a burlesque piece where I stripped out of many layers of a kimono, after formally studying kimono in Japan. My Japanese friends didn't have a problem with this, but he told me my performance was offensive to people of color. This was his opinion, as a white man, the white knight of oppressed peoples. He couldn't stop belittling me long enough to let me speak, explain, provide context. He left me crying, half-naked and humiliated on the street. What did he achieve by "educating" me, objectifying me as a racist without letting me speak? I am still angry about this, 6 years later.

Our communities have become these suffocating little microcosms of oppression and enforced conformity. I am all about fair and reciprocal discussions and education, but this holier than thou privilege-checking, "I'm more oppressed that you" dialogues, being told I am offensive when the accuser won't engage me in non-hostile discussion, refusal to view things as nuanced or contextual, or and telling me I am a BAAAAD queer/feminist because I REFUSE TO CONFORM TO THE PARTY LINE bullshit has GOT TO STOP or I am picking up my toys and going home. I am not interested in you policing my speech/art/thoughts because of your need for power and control. I am not cool with you labeling me a bad person as you project your triggers and baggage onto me without making any attempt to SEE ME as a human, your ally and your peer. It's ok that you have triggers and baggage, we all do, but OWN YOUR SHIT. If I'm doing something that bothers you, politely explain it, but also give me a chance to say my side. And accept that I may not agree with you, and I may not conform to what you think is right, and that doesn't make me a villain.

So enough ranting, THIS is why I think this bullshit happens:

1. When you feel systematically disempowered, the need to regain some sense of power and control becomes very strong. If you are denied power in your macrocosm, you wind up acting out in your microcosm, essentially perpetuating a cycle of abuse.

2. Most of us put up with ignorant, offensive, crazymaking bullshit all day long at our jobs, with our families, the media, etc. and a lot of the time, it's not safe to talk back even when horrible and legitimately offensive shit happens. So we go to our communities where we CAN safely talk back, and then we take our anger out on our peers, blaming, shaming, and policing them, because they understand our issues in a way mainstream society can't. But wait, what? I get it- we're burnt out, we're scared, we're constantly on guard, we have the PTSD of a million little papercuts and a few real fucking big knife wounds. We are all scared of being hurt and judged to the point that we start to expect it, and seek it out in places it doesn't exist. But look-we CANNOT keep alienating our peers and allies this way. Maybe some person has a different perspective than you, or they lack education about why something might be hurtful, or they have their own damn baggage. It doesn't make them wrong, or a bad person. Talk about it like an empowered individual, not a victim.

2. There is no gold standard for what is and isn't okay, because everything is subjective and contextual. You may expect a certain type of behavior that's not a part of someone else's personal or cultural lexicon. So if you tell someone they're not okay based on your personal experiences/baggage about something, you're ignoring their personal context and needs. That is a form of oppression.

3. NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE 100% INCLUSIVE OR PERFECT ALL OF THE TIME, THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN ITS BASED IN HATE. Lee Harrington once wrote a blog post about a male masturbation workshop taught by a cisman, and some transmen got offended because the techniques taught were not workable for transcocks. It was not the presenters intent to alienate anyone, but he was there to teach a workshop for people with ciscocks, and didn't have the time/resources/qualifications to modify the workshop to work well for men with transcocks. That does not make him intrinsically transphobic. Aaaaand of course a bunch of people got pissy at Lee (who is a transman) for defending the presenter.

5. Sometimes there's just a lack of perfect language, sometimes there's a lack of perfect education, sometimes we can't fucking keep up with what's de riguer, sometimes we make human errors. So let's not get hostile about it, and let's not assume the worst of people.

I am tired of trying not to offend people, because it's a losing game. Folks, please: stop taking yourself so seriously. Stop trying to be perfect, and stop expecting perfection from others. Be kind to yourself and others. Stand up to REAL bigotry and the big problems, and don't waste your time with judgemental nitpicking. Stop obsessing about the dirty cracks in the pavement and stare into the infinite space and beauty that is the sky. Actually LISTEN to what other people have to say, and understand that your way is not the only way. Love and support the people who are playing on your team, instead of hurting and alienating them by projecting your ideas of how they "should" behave onto their lives and identities. Foster positive change and laugh and love and enjoy each other. Quit wallowing in pain and anger and festering negativity and do something that makes you feel good. Throw a party for a good cause, and fill your heart with fun and passion, take your power back in a way that doesn't involve judging and oppressing other. Focus on WHAT IS GOOD, recognize that it is PRIVILEGE to be surrounded by people who understand you and care about you just the way you are. It is a privilege be able to talk about life and identities in such nuanced, complex and postmodern terms and have other people GET IT. Be a shining light of growth and hope, be a brave love warrior for yourself, for others, instead of a perpetual pain in the ass.

That's real talk.

Sex Toy Solo Smackdown: Throe me to the wolves!

I promise that I am working on another INCREDIBLY AWESOME Sex Toy World Cup piece, but I was totally blitzed by going to that conference last week, so it's not ready yet. However, as an unrepentant toy addict, I seem to acquire stuff faster than I can review it sometimes, so I figured I'd play catch-up this week!

THIS WEEK'S PRODUCT: The Liberator Fascinator Posh Throe, in Black.

I was initially dubious of  Liberator's series of sex "throes." Was it just an $85 glorified cum rag? Moreover, the spelling of  "throe" annoys me (as well as some ooky copywriting I once read that described the product as "slurping up" sex juices. Ewwww.) Yes, my fussy editor side is showing.

The epitome of luxury, or an $85 glorified cum rag?

Nevertheless, for those of us who like, um, "squishy" sex, protecting bedding and mattresses can be a bitch, and rubber sheets creep me out. I was over a playmate's house who had one of these throes and just threw (throed?) it on the floor for party time, and it worked pretty well, so I was willing to give it a chance.

I ordered Posh Fascinator Throe in black (shown above) from EdenFantasys a few weeks ago. It's a decent size (60" x 54"), though not really big enough to pass as a comforter, so I tend to fold it up when not in use rather than keeping it on the bed. I am not really crazy about the material- the flocked part is a bit chintzy and picks up lint like a magnet, which looks terrible on black fabric- I would suggest ordering the leopard one to camouflauge anything the fuzzy side "picks up." The satin layer has a bit of a crunchy synthetic feel to it, and the two layers are not quilted together, which means the blanket tends to shift and bunch up a fair amount when in use. Annoying. I've pretty much stopped trying to use it to protect the sheets on my bed, because it lacks the traction to stay put for very long. I am going to attempt to tack the layers together on my sewing machine in the hopes that this will resolve this issue. Another problem- it's not actually waterproof. It is possible to soak through it if you're a heavy squirter, which kind of defeats the purpose of the blanket.

However- there is one thing that this blanky is really great for, and that's playing away from home (like I said, it worked great on my friend's carpet). I hang out at my neighborhood dungeon a fair bit, and it's nice to have a portable blanket to put on surfaces before sitting down/sexy play. And the best part is you can wipe your hands on it too, since it's pretty much just going to be thrown in the wash afterwards (and it's small enough that it's not a hassle to wash).

So I think this is actually a pretty great product in concept, and it does have some practical applications, but I don't feel like it's a great value for the money, and I think the design could be improved somewhat. For $85 I'd like nicer quality or at least WATERPROOF fabric (esp. on the fuzzy side), thicker layers that are stitched together so they don't bunch up, and better traction- the satin looks pretty, but it tends to slip and slide a lot. Hell, if they designed a fitted waterproof sheet based on this concept that would STAY PUT, I would happily pay the extra money for it. But I don't know if I can put my 100% endorsement behind this product as it stands. (That said- this product has a 5-star review on EdenFantasys, so a lot of people clearly do love it and think it's worth the money.)

BTW: Eden Cafe recently ran a piece I wrote about sex toy shopping angst, check it out!

36 Hours in Phoenix: Moral Panics of Sexuality Conference Recap!

Miss Kenna's menstrual panic social experiment at an Arizona mall!

 I got back from the Moral Panics of Sexuality Conference at Arizona State University on Saturday, which means I have time to blog again, take a yoga class, tackle a pile of grad school apps, and work on paid writing work. (YAY). I will hopefully be publishing my paper somewhere soon, so I'll keep y'all posted on that. Anyway, here's a play by play of the conference:

Thurs, Oct. 6th

7pm: Arrive in Phoenix. Drink read wine and finish Pamela Des Barres' classic groupie memoir I'm with the band on the plane (best airplane book ever?)

9pm: Arrive at the Sheraton. Lounge in hotel jacuzzi until gang of frat boys show up and I am suddenly not comfortable anymore. Pass out in comfy hotel bed.

Fri, Oct. 7th

7am: Get dressed in what I've deemed "slutty academic" attire: understated but form fitting black dress with cleavage peephole, red lipstick, and what I call my "orthopedic stripper sandals." Consume yummy hotel breakfast with copious coffee and bacon.

8am: Shuttle to conference. I meet a presenter who also lived in Kyoto (I lived there for 3 years) and apparently had a way more awesome, arty, and queercentric experience there than I did. Sigh.

8:30am: Register for conference, drink more coffee.

9:00am: Keynote lecture by Dr. Deborah Tolman of the Graduate Center of CUNY: "'Prostitots, Gyrating Tweens and Teenage Sluts, Oh My!': Navigating the Moral Panic of the Sexualization of Girls." Presents some interesting points about how the "teen pregnancy epidemic" never happened (ie there was never an actual increase in teen pregnancies, it was just marketed that way), the freak-out around urban legend-style "rainbow parties," which she dubbed "bullshit," and the "Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls," which she helped compile. She presented her organization SPARK (Sexualization Protest: Action Resistance and Knowledge) which  involves young women and girls in fighting the sexualization of girls, and apparently Michelle Obama and the Girl Scouts won't touch it with a ten foot pole because it has "sex" in the name. Yikes.

10:00am: Media Panics Session. The presenter on Larry Clark's "Teen Lust" is awol, too bad. First paper tackles Ang Lee's "Lust Caution," best line: "The way to a woman's heart is through her vagina." YOW. Second paper discusses the moral discourse of Glee, as a Gleek I am all over this shit. Is Santana an archetypically racist depiction of a promiscuous woman of color (nevermind that Brittany is depicted as equally sexually voracious in Season 1, more about her later) or is it all just a front for her suppressed lesbianism? Inquiring minds want to know.

11:00 Media panel wraps up early, so I head over to Menstrual Panics undergrad student presentation panel. A very brave girl named Kenna is presenting her menstrual panic social experiment. She walked around a mall wearing  tight white pants with a  fake period stain on the crotch for three hours, feigning obliviousness, while a classmate surreptitiously videotaped mallgoers reactions. It's fucking fantastic- she blends right in at the mall (see photo at top of post) except for her scarlet stain of shame, and she succeeded in freaking people the fuck out. Passerby were shown snapping phone pics, whispering their disapproval, and even yelling insults. This presentation was one of the absolute highlights of the conference for me. (Ironically I found out later that K., like me, uses hormonal menstrual suppression to treat a disorder. So double kudos for rocking the bloody pants.)

11:40 Body Panics Session! (My panel!)
First Paper: ASU Women and Gender Studied Professor Breanne Fahs (who is awesome and apparently reads my blog!) presents on the panics surrounding body hair: she had her female students grow out their body hair as an extra-credit assignment, while male students shaved theirs. This weirds me slightly as I perceive it as a form body policing (I am a feminist who shaves, that doesn't make me less of a feminist) but I come from a cultural context where body hair isn't a huge deal (raised in Northern California, currently involved in kinky and queer scenes where body hair is not considered weird). Breanne talks about how in some cases growing body hair can cause these women to lose jobs or relationships, be labeled as lesbians or even targeted for hate crimes, and the squicky ideas people have about body hair being dirty, smelly, or "filled with bugs." I guess as a 3rd waver (whatever that means) body hair politics have never been a priority for me, but in Arizona it's still a big deal. Everything is relative.

Second paper: Masturbation and gender discourse. Snooki's views on masturbation are prominently featured in the context of female masturbation discussions in popular culture (as a not-so-closet Jersey Shore fan, I love this). Presenter thinks giving vibrators to teenage girls (as advocated by sexologist on Oprah) distances them from their bodies. (As a person who couldn't regularly have an orgasm until I got a vibrator, I disagree, and feel like it enforces the stigma that "real women" don't need toys to get off.)

Third paper: ME. Yeep! My paper is entitled "No to the flow: Rejecting feminine norms and the reproductive imperative through hormonal menstrual suppression." I'm nervous, but I don't think I fucked it up too bad. Got some interesting feedback from folks, including a girl taking the pill who didn't realize she could skip the "period" part. Breanne says my paper gave her some fresh insight on the issue by presenting things from a queer/transgendered perspectives. WIN.

Fourth paper: Vagina Dentata and its many pop cultural manifestations. "Today I am going to talk about a lot of toothy vaginas." OH HELL YES. Did you know that the Starbucks logo is descended from the Sheela-na-gig and is totally a fucking vagina dentata? I will never look at coffee the same way again.

1pm: Lunchtime! I somehow manage to sit with Breanne and both of the keynote speakers and make an elegant first impression by talking about my $300 dildo. I engage Dr. Tolman on the subject of Slutwalk, which results in a minor tiff about whether or not "Slut" can be a reclaimed word. (I think it absolutely can be and is, she says no way.) I've learned to be very careful about bringing about Slutwalk because it's apparently an insanely polarized feminist landmine. Hey, future paper topic! (To detractors: I suggest attending a Slutwalk before tearing it down. You'd be surprised.) I buy a copy of Breanne's book "Performing Sex: The Making and Unmaking of Women's Erotic Lives" which talks about faking orgasms and other quandaries, and get it autographed. 

2pm: Keynote Presentation the Second! "Sexuality early and late in life: The impacts and limitations of 'age-appropriate' frameworks," presented by Dr. Sarah McClelland of University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (one of the schools I'm applying to, incidentally!) Interesting that both keynote talks focus on notions of age appropriate sexuality to some degree, though with very different focuses. Dr. McClelland discussed the problems with the intentionally vague and subjective notion of "age appropriate," how this impacts ideas about "appropriate" sex ed, the desexualization of older people, people with terminal cancer, etc. She makes a very good point that it's very difficult to talk about childhood sexuality and sex ed without launching into pedophilia panic. Interesting counterpoint to show how much cultural attitudes have shifted in the past 40 years: in Pamela Des Barres book, in which she mentions two of her famous boyfriends left her for 14 year old girls, (Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin and junior groupie Lori Maddox). It was illegal at the time, but condoned. Nobody called child protective services. Can you imagine the scandal this would have caused now?

3:10 Postmodern Panics panel. I was looking forward to this panel perhaps most of all (even though it guiltily forced me to miss my roomie's Literature panel.) Unfortunately the presenter on hustling and Craigslist is a no-show. Fantastically well-presented paper on moral panics surrounding gay barebacking porn, which Dan Savage has deemed a form of "snuff film" akin to child pornography. Presenter discusses the weirdness of certain PSAs and other advocacy against barebacking porn, and asks if porn viewers can be trusted to separate fantasy from personal reality, and why unprotected straight anal porn doesn't receive the same negative attention. Second presenter talked about disability and sexual surrogacy, a topic I find incredibly compelling (read this awesome article in Filament magazine about an organization that helps facilitate healthy sex lives for differently-abled people), though there was less in-depth examination of surrogacy than I'd hoped for (though I am assuming it was an excerpt from the paper and not the whole thing). She examined the role of the caregiver, whether they should be involved in the sexual needs of their client and whether this could be realistically legally regulated (especially in the context of a cultural legacy of sexual abuse by caretakers), and also argued against medical availability of sexual surrogates in hospital settings because of the "war on terror and anti-muslim sentiment." (Didn't quite get that part. Should have asked for clarification but didn't want to hog the mike.)

4:45pm: Final keynote presentation: A performance/installation piece called The Wendy House (ironically also the name of a famous goth club in the UK). Two women performing the roles of Wendy and Tinkerbell in undershirts, tighty-whiteys (one with a shower pouf sewn to the crotch), spanx, and stripper heels, crawl around in Cheeto dust in a junk-food laden blanky fort, imbibe various substances, and issue slurred diatribes about Peter Pan's racist, misogynist ways off of color-coded index cards. I had to sit on a bare concrete floor in heels and my hips were fucking killing me, which might have detracted from my appreciation a little bit.

6pm: Conference is over! Cheesecake lollipop and iced tea reception! I sit in the lovely Arizona sunset with my roomie Ellen (who presented on Sheridan LeFanu's les-vamp classic "Carmilla") and Kenna, the lesbian feminist beer model (yeah, really!) who gave the period pants presentation. She invites me to go two-stepping at a lesbian cowboy bar! I'm exhausted, but wild horses couldn't keep me away!

7pm: Redwine and chitchat back at the Sheraton with my roomie. More swimming and spa-ing under the palm trees, no frat boys this time.

9pm: Kenna and her friend pick me up from the hotel. Kenna is an amazing ensemble of red sequined suspenders, booty shorts, and glitter-encrusted tap shoes reminiscent of the emcee from Cabaret. I need dinner so we stop at a Mexican drive-through where I get CARNE ASADA AND GUACAMOLE TOPPED FRENCH FRIES. Probably the best thing I ate in Phoenix (Arizona poutine?) Then it's off to Cash Inn Country Bar in Phoenix's "Fruit Loop" gay distract.

9:30pm: Cash Inn is totally awesome because it's so different from any lesbian bar I've ever been to. It's huge, a dedicated women's bar all week long (I think?), and it's a country bar! I know there used to be (still is?) a campy gay male country bar in Chicago, but  this was the real deal. Kenna's not an Arizona native, but she knows how to dance like one, and is a fierce two step lead and accomplished line dancer. I awkwardly pranced around the dance floor a bit (and the line dancing was such a joy to watch!) I also enjoyed the mildly-uncomfortable "I'm not actually a lesbian, I sleep with men, but I'm queer identified" pomosexual coming-out conversation a few times over the evening, and accidentally provoked ire for using the word "dyke." (I feel like "lesbian" is considered kind of quaint and passe in Chicago, everyone's "queer," or a "dyke." I think about Dorothy Alison talking about "those fancy French lesbians, I'm not a lesbian, I'm a dyke" at a lecture I attended in undergrad.) Interesting to talk to a blue collar Arizona lesbian who considered the term "dyke" to be synonymous with "scary militant lesbian" (Hothead Paisan, perhaps)? Again with the cultural context.

At one point Kenna and I were bonding about how nobody "reads" her as a lesbian because she's  conventionally pretty and femme, and how everyone assumes I'm lesbian because I have short hair (even though I wear dresses more than pants). "You should get a belt that says 'I love pussy'" I told her, as a dancer wearing an "I love boobs," belt waltzed by. "No, they'll just think I'm a cat lady. I have 27 kittens at home," I panicked for a moment, worried that she was an animal hoarder, until she explains that she's an "Elf Cat" breeder, adorable hairless kitties with curved ears:

One of Kenna's babies. 

I know that lots of people are weirded about by hairless cats, but they are kind of an obsession for me, and I plan to adopt a pair some day. This was the point where I kind of decided that the universe had sent Kenna into my life ON PURPOSE. God had a plan for us, and it involved late night diner food and feminist theory.

12:30am Coffee and more intellectual discourse at Denny's.

Sat, Oct. 8th

9:30am: Crawled out of the bed for bacon, coffee, more lap swimming.

12:30pm Exhausted at the airport. Snapped at the server at Chili's who wanted to seat the suburban family before the single woman. (I try not to abuse people in the service industry, but it was a perfect storm of stupid.) Sitting at the gate, watching an episode of Glee on my laptop, I glance up and see Glee's Heather Morris (aka bisexual cheerleader Brittany) walk past. (She's from Scottsdale). Perfect surreal end to my trip.

This was my first academic conference, and I almost wish it was longer than one day, because I had a great time! Looking forward to presenting TWO papers (eep!) at the Southern Sociological Society's meeting in New Orleans in March!

It's OK to be out.

In honor of the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell and National Coming Out Day, I would like to present a very special edition of "It's OK," a series that re-examines potentially problematic identities.

Photo by Daniel Butler

Today I would like to talk about being out. I will preface this by saying that I realize that being out is a privilege for many of us. A lot of us can't be out about whatever "secret" makes us different/potentially stigmatized- whether that's being GLBTQI, kinky, genderqueer, spiritual or religious, poly, have a chronic illness or mental illness, a hidden disability, anything- it can cost people their jobs, their family, relationships. I am very lucky in that I CAN be out about various aspects of my identity in most arenas in my life. My friends and family are supportive and open minded, and even my coworkers are pretty cool. If anything I think I can be too honest about my sexuality, gender identity and so forth- after all I write and blog about these things in numerous forums, and I talk about it in real life, too. I am the queen of TMI at times, but it's because these are the things I think about the most, and the places where people seem to have the most baggage.

I think there are a lot of things many of us aren't "out" about because we're afraid, and sometimes that fear  exists to protect us. But I also think it's important to find some safe place in your life where you can be your most authentic self and not a sanitized, publicly acceptable shadow of that self. We spend so much time trying to meet other people's expectations, performing our work identities and our relationship identities to please others, that it's easy to forget who we really are.

It's ok to be out. First and foremost, and if nothing else, be out to yourself. And hopefully you can be out with your partner, if you are partnered. Find people you can be out with, and safe places where you can be yourself without fear. And don't be afraid to be out in ways that challenge other people's notions about how you should or shouldn't be, as long as you don't put yourself at risk by doing so. Write about it and publish under a pseudonym if you have to. Be brave. The more you hide and repress these core aspects of your identity, the more miserable you become. The more you allow yourself to be that authentic self, the more you create a safe space for others to be out.

I think for National Coming Out Day, my personal challenge is coming out as a queer-identified "woman" (at least in appearance) who dates men (heteroqueer or girlfag for short). In queer spaces I tiptoe around my "problematic" sexual identity, justifying it, protecting it like a defenseless baby bunny. I "pass" as queer, and feel like an asshole and a poser sometimes. It's ironic, isn't it? I've written about this extensively in the past, my struggles with feeling like an imposter, an infiltrator. Fuck it, this is me, I can't NOT be this. I don't know how to make other people feel comfortable with my convoluted sexuality and gender identity, and maybe I shouldn't bother, but I can at least work on feeling comfortable with it myself.