I identify with this Arcade Fire song a lot, because it's all about not wanting to drive. Especially the part where she sings "I've been learning to drive my whole life." No kidding, the first time I got behind the wheel was my Grandma's stick shift when I was 14 years old, and I'm 32 now. Since then I've had five learners permits, one destroyed fence, some 30-odd hours of driving practice supervised by my parents and a 60 year old white rastafarian driving instructor, and two failed road tests. That makes almost two decades of "learning to drive."
No song better captures my driving phobia than Radiohead's "Killer Cars," however:
Too hard on the brakes again
What if these brakes just give in?
What if they don't get out of the way?
What if there's someone overtaking?
I'm going out for a little drive
And it could be the last time you see me alive
There could be an idiot on the road
The only kick in life is pumping his steelThom Yorke's elegantly expressed neurosis perfectly captures the phobia that has kept me driving for many years. What if I KILL somebody? I mean, what else do I do on a daily basis that has A VERY REAL POTENTIAL FOR ACCIDENTAL MURDER? I admit that I have been secretly hoping that we'd run out of fossil fuels by 2012 so I could put this ordeal off forever. But alas, tis not to be. Driving may be a disgusting, long-term unsustainable habit, but cars rule the rule for the foreseeable future.
I was raised by a single mom who did not have the time, money or resources to teach me as a teenager. I spent my twenties living in Tokyo and Chicago, big cities where driving was impractical, and the only feasible way to learn to drive would be to hire an instructor, which ain't cheap. I eventually went the driving school route last summer, which set me back about $500, but I was lucky enough to work with an amazing old rasta guy that made me listen to his Jah Metal band's CDs in the car, forcing me to drive up and down the Wilmette Ravines and Devon St. (Little Bombay) to sharpen my defensive driving skills. I loved my teacher, and was stoked to take the test.
Unfortunately I was paired with a mean, condescending examiner, panicked, and was failed for driving less than 5 miles below the speed limit, even though I did everything else right. My instructor charged $120 to go to the driving test with me, and there was no way I could afford to take my chances a second time at that rate. I cried inconsolably in the car ride home, and my instructor felt so bad that he bought me chinese food for lunch, while insisting that my driving looked perfect and the examiner was just having a bad day. The ego stroking alone was probably worth the $120 I paid.
I decided to try again in California, and I've spent the better part of my winter break practicing with my parents. I took the test again Wednesday with a jovial elderly Black man who kept saying stuff like "Why are you so nervous? We're just going for a little drive!" He tried to be encouraging, but I was failed instantly because my wheel touched the curb while backing up.
I am not a great driver, but I am a competent driver, and given the idiots I've encountered on the road, I am not looking forward to possibly failing again in a week. It's exhausting. I am actually jealous of teenage drivers and their mandatory 50 hours of practice. I wish I had that leisurely pace. It's not a big deal when you suck at driving as a teenager, because you're a teenager. Instead I feel like I'm rushing to pull it together, and being made to feel not good enough, over and over again. It's embarrassing that I'm not better at this. I speak fluent Japanese. I'm a grad student. I'm a generally successful and highly intelligent human being. Unfortunately driving is not one of those things I can effortlessly master in a week. Truly, impressively stupid people have drivers licenses (Snooki?) and I don't, and that's hard on my ego. I don't even really care about driving or owning a car, I just want the fucking license to prove that I am a fully functional "adult." The longer I wait, the more humiliating my deficiency becomes.
The thing about learning to drive in your thirties is it really makes you wonder why the fuck driving is considered a normative part of society in the first place. It's expensive, dangerous, and faintly barbaric. It's a huge waste of resources, especially when you consider the lengths the auto industry have gone to to shut down public transit initiatives. It's hard for me to imagine driving being fun when all I can envision is sudden death, dismemberment and losing control in horrible, bloody ways. But it's normal! They let teenagers do it!!!
My saving grace right now is that my best friend from high school is also learning to drive at age 32, and sends me lots of encouraging, sympathetic text messages that make me feel less alone in what is honestly a kind of incredibly isolating and shameful experience for me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I know that someday driving will seem effortless, and maybe even pleasurable, but for now, I still feel like the 32 year old (driving) virgin. So, for now I'll practice more, and take the test again next Thursday. I'll leave you with a clip that actually sort of makes me feel excited about driving.
1 comment:
I think you touched the nerve of it when you mentioned the auto industry. The profit motive, I think, explains it all. Pushing an agenda of private business wealth over public health is practically an American tradition. In our culture, we strive for wealth accumulation and/or social upward mobility. Any symbol or marker of that (fancy watch, clothes, etc) is deemed to be a mark of that individual's merit. Because our reliance of public transit and bike use is so low, car ownership has become vital to the American sense of 'freedom'. In most major cities (Chicago & NYC being largely the exception) and small towns, it is difficult to get around with your four motorized wheels. Teenagers must learn early, or be a hazard on the road...and it does induce them to rely on car use. Many factors that induced the reliance on car use need no recounting here (I'm certain you know the histories behind the oil-auto-social progressions).
But, yeah, I can feel at least some of your pain, even at 24. I yet have my license (And I won't be getting it in IL!), I am quite aware of the possibility that each and every time I am riding through the street on my bike, it could be my last. (Although, I would be the one more likely to die!) I didn't learn much of driving as a teenager, but I did take in enough experience to be a confident car driver. That said, I LOVE driving, particularly on the highway (I like to go FAST. =) ). It can be an ego boost to show off your mechanical and spatial skills. However, now that I have been living in Chicago for nearly 3 years, (and have been biking since Day 1) I've have become so accustomed to riding my bike than when I get behind the wheel, I feel confused.. (Um..how do I do this again?) I don't really know how to park, especially parallel. After 5+ years of bike riding, I am healthier than my non-exercising car driving acquaintances and friends (I get sick less often). I don't have to shell out money for gas, parking, insurance and engine maintenance for my vehicle. I am not engaged in an activity the kills others everyday. (Think about it...there are constant improvements to car safety...bike safety? not a chance. Only your skill set helps you)
But really, what I wanted to tell was this: It all really does boil down to getting comfortable with your mode of transport. It took me a while to get comfortable behind the wheel because, yes, everyone on the road second guesses you unless you prove your skills. The worst driver is not the aggressor, but the fool-who-doesn't-know-where-they're-going! (GRRRRRR) So, if you can, try to remember that learning the mechanical skills one needs to be an avid car driver takes time and patience....Or you could move to NYC and say fuck it!
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