Generation Fear: How I Survived HIV Education in the 1990s (via Sexis Magazine)

This is an excerpt from "Generation Fear: How I Survived HIV Education in the 1990s,"my new article at SexIs Magazine.

When I returned to the US in 2005 [after living in Japan for 4 years], I was concerned when I noticed that many American guys weren’t particularly concerned with using condoms either. If I’d ask why, they’d reply something like “Well, I figured you’ve been tested, and would warn me if you had an STD.”

HUH?

As much as I’d like to chalk this up to ignorance, one of the guys who said this was a PhD candidate with a minor in women’s studies. I wondered what had changed in the collective cultural consciousness in my absence, but when I thought about it, it made sense.

Hadn’t we all been warned about the dangers of smoking, alcohol and drugs as little children, alongside the perils of unsafe sex? But then we hit adulthood, and had freedom of choice, and lots of us started lighting up cigarettes or joints to cope with the stress of adult life. Yeah, we knew it wasn’t good for us, but it felt good and it was fun, and in most cases, there didn’t seem to be any majorly detrimental consequences in the short term.

We found out that the occasional cigarette wasn’t that much worse than breathing polluted city air, and that marijuana actually had medical benefits for some people. In essence, the issue became a lot more complicated than the black and white “JUST SAY NO” rhetoric of our youth. And I think the same thing started happening with sex.

We’d get tested every year, and the tests seemed to always come back negative, even when we weren’t always perfect about using condoms with every single sex act.

Researchers would discover the risk of catching HIV from oral sex was virtually negligible, and that the risk of contracting the virus from a single sex act was less that than 1% in most cases. Skipping the condom wasn’t a great idea, but the risk factor was much, much lower than we’d previously believed. And that made us complacent, and perhaps even a little rebellious.
(Read the full article here.)

Sex Toy MacGyver: DIY Rabbit!

A few weeks ago, EdenFantasys was giving away this cute little vibrating Silicone Finger Bunny as a freebie with orders. (Don't be sad if you missed out, it's only $12.99 if you want one of your own.) Anyway, I was curious to try this little guy out, but found the bullet wasn't strong enough for my tastes, so I popped it out and substituted my Lelo Nea instead, which was a bit of a stretch, but I made it fit! (I imagine the WeVibe Salsa would fit nicely, too.) This significantly improved the bunny in my eyes, but I still didn't see what made the finger bunny better than just holding the vibrator with my hand the old fashioned way...But then, I had a stroke of genius!

The finger loop on the finger bunny is stretchy enough to fit around a dildo that's not too girthy, so I decided to try slipping it onto my brand spanking new Tantus Tsunami that I got myself for my birthday. And voila! Instant DIY rabbit vibe!

I haven't owned a rabbit since I lived in Japan (where they are cheap and plentiful), mostly because rabbit toys can be so hit or miss, depending on how you are built, and the type of stimulation you like. I wouldn't suggest buying all these components separately to build a rabbit, but if you already have a favorite dildo and a small, strong vibe, the Finger Bunny is an inexpensive and useful accessory for temporarily converting these components into an all-in-one toy. The DIY bunny is awesome for the following reasons:

1. While your shaft won't oscillate like a traditional rabbit, the vibrations are transmitted nicely into the silicone dildo's shaft as well as the bunny portion. The Tsunami shown above also has a bullet vibe that fits into its base for extra buzz.

2. You can choose the exact distance between clitoral and g-spot stimulation to fit your body perfectly.

3. You can pop the bunny off and on to convert multiple dildos into a rabbit toy depending on your mood.

4. You can get much more powerful clitoral stimulation than a traditional rabbit depending on the type of vibe you use. (The WeVibe mini vibes are especially strong.)

You can also use a vibrating cockring like the Lelo Bo to make a rabbit, but I find the finger bunny+ strong mini vibe to be an especially winning combination.

You can purchase the Silicone Finger Bunny at EdenFantasys, awesome retailer of vibrators, dildos, and other fine sex toys! School For Scandal readers get 15% off all purchases when you enter code TZZ at checkout!

I feel pretty #7: High tech mindful eating

I feel like it's appropriate to include diet in this series in the "eating well as a form of self care" sense, but no "GO ON A DIET TO BE THIN" crap.

Communing with nature. Photo by Stricknine

I actually don't hate going to the doctor, except for the inevitable (and usually unrelated to the reason for my appointment) discussion of my weight, which invariably throws me down a dark well of shame for the next few days. I've written about how to work with this, but the reality is my doctor bagging on my weight strips away all my layers of body positive HAES armor and reduces me to a self-loathing twelve year old again. (I already wore a size 12/14 in junior high, and thus have never NOT been fat, even as a tiny child, and I have the accompanying baggage, even if I've worked really hard to deal with it.)

I am guilty of bringing up my weight gain myself this last visit, because my last blood sugar test was higher than usual (though still within normal range) and I definitely don't want to become pre-diabetic. My doctor suggested losing 10% of my weight to be "healthier." I pointed out that I lost 10% of my weight 2 years ago and then gained it all back about a year later, and asked her if she had any suggestions that would lead to lasting weight loss so I dont fuck up my metabolism through yoyo dieting.

She suggested I download a smart phone calorie counter.

Really, doc? Fuck you. (And my blood sugar test came back perfect, to boot.)

Anyway. After having a major meltdown, like I always do, I decided to go into the app store and see if they had something to help me with a food strategy that I find is actually more productive and helpful than calorie counting, though still challenging: mindful eating. And I did! It's called "SlowEater" (I use the Android version, they may have it for Iphone too?) and it costs about $1.60 to download. The premise is very simple- a green screen counts down about 20 seconds to allow you time to take a bite of food, then makes a noise or vibrates. Then an orange screen counts down another 20 seconds or so to tell you to wait for a bit (at my current "easy" setting, I think my eat and wait screens are about the same duration), during which time you can chew, ponder, whatever, but you don't put any more food in your mouth until it buzzes. Then you can take another bite, buzz, wait a minute, buzz, etc. until you feel full. You can set the length of the orange screen to "easy," "advance," or "expert," depending on how slowly you want to pace yourself.



I recently read Geneen Roth's "Women, Food and God" (and I really like her approach to eating), but I still struggle to slow down and pay more attention when I eat alone. Trying to eat slowly with no distractions when I'm alone feels like fucking torture. So in a weird way, although using an app kind of goes against the idea of eating without distraction, but at the same time, it's a productive distraction that really helped me focus.

This app really works- even while watching tv while eating (so sue me) with the app to cue me, I still paid way more attention to my food than usual, and it probably took me about three times longer to finish my meal than typical. I experienced an interesting emotional response- having just enough time to take one bite, when I wanted to take three, then having to wait to take the next, made me feel initially rushed, deprived and upset. I had to keep reminding myself that if I waited the 20 seconds, I could have another bite, and  keep eating as much as I wanted to, as long as I paced myself. Sometimes my brain would drift, and I'd accidentally start eating during the orange screen, but then the buzzer would put me back on track. It reminds me a lot of how the mind has a way of drifting during mindfulness meditation, and you just reign it in over and over. So its bizarre to do a food meditation with an electronic device, but fuck it, it works. And I am not only learning to work with food differently, I am learning to work with time differently. Why do I rush when I don't need to?

The way I felt after my meal was different too- instead of feeling full, numbed out and sleepy, I felt really light and alert, just not hungry. It was kind of weird, but the whole point is to train your body/brain to not chronically overeat and re-wire the rhythm of eating and feelings of satiation. I am not crazy about the way it is marketed as a weight loss aid, but at the same time, that's kind of how they have to market it for it to sell. :/

I think this app is something I'll use primarily when eating alone (like I said, it's easier to pace myself with other people), and not with every meal (for example, I didn't use it while enjoying my post-dinner glass of wine and almond milk ice cream- I'm more likely to savor a treat anyway). And I don't know if it's something I'll use forever, but I am curious to see if this actually does cause lasting shifts in the way I eat, even if I don't use the app with every meal.

Ms. Behaved and other new stuff!

Hey kids! I'd like to introduce to you a new and amazing ladycentric site founded by fellow XOJane alum Sarah Saxon: Msbehaved.com. I have decided to part ways with XOJane for reasons I'm choosing to keep private for now (buy me a few drinks and I might dish...) and am very excited to help build Sarah's site from the ground up with awesome content.


Check out my  Ms. Behaved article "Prisoner of Love Hotel," about the time I got locked into a Japanese love hotel with a cute boy who didn't speak any English, and my rant about how Bra Fitting is a F*cking Scam.

If you check out the site and like what you see, consider contributing writing as well! You can send pitches to submissions@msbehaved.com. 


Also, I'm very proud of my new article on SexIs Magazine, "A Journey Into Self Love." Learning to break out of my cycle of unhealthy relationships and learn to love myself was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I've done as an adult, and I'd like to share my experiences with readers, as well as some tips for how to love you more!

Edu-Porn Review: Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide To Pegging

Believe it or not, I don't watch a lot porn. However, I will ALWAYS go out of my way to get my hands on anything with Tristan Taormino's name attached to it. In addition to being Thomas Pynchon's niece (sorry, that bit of bizarre trivia will NEVER fail to entertain me), she's one of the best sex educators and pornographers on the scene. She creates films that are sex-positive and women oriented while avoiding the irritating "porn for women" tropes of the 80's and 90's (blowing curtains, luxurious mansions, romantic storylines...gag!) Instead she focuses on choosing interesting performers with hot, authentic, chemistry, and isn't afraid to push the envelope with films like the "Rough Sex" series, that focuses on women's real raunchy, hardcore fantasies with no apologies.

 I was VERY excited to check out her Expert Guide to Pegging (previous topics covered by TT in this series include oral sex, anal and female orgasms), which came out this past Valentine's Day. As a person who loves pegging, I thrilled when VividEd sent me a review copy to review. Tristan Taormino is following in the footsteps of  sex education videos produced by Nina Hartley and Carol Queen (Bay Area represent!) in the 80's and 90's, notably the latter's "Bend Over Boyfriend" series, and I think she's doing a fantastic job of providing fresh, relevant education on these topics for a new generation!

The day my DVD arrived in the mail, I brought it over to my lady pal Stricknine's house with a 6 pack of vodka infused red velvet cupcakes, and enjoyed the film with a pitcher of Sangria and thai takeout (and yes, some serious pegging was going down onscreen when the delivery guy arrived). We enjoyed watching it Stricknine's adorable gay roommate J. provided some amazing running commentary:

On Mickey Mod: "He is SUCH a pretty man! He looks like an Egyptian pharoah in an old Hollywood movie!"

On Christian XXX: "Oh, you know I'd be rubbing all up on that bald head!"

Seriously, I kind of wish I'd live tweeted the event.

TT's Expert Guide to Pegging starts with a 45-minute educational overview. Tristan that covers the important nuts and bolts of pegging, illustrated with snippets from interviews with the performers, and clips from the full length sex scenes. As a sex writer and pegging enthusiast for over a decade, I personally didn't learn anything new from the educational section, but I realize that pegging is still a pretty controversial and even taboo sex act for a lot of straight couples. In this regard, this DVD does a fantastic job of making pegging both accessible and hot, and would be indispensable to any couple new to pegging.

The educational portion is followed by three full-length sex scenes featuring six incredibly hot  performers: Dylan Ryan paired with Wolf Hudson, Jada Fire and Christian XXX, and Jiz Lee with Mickey Mod. Pegging veterans less interested in the educational aspect will find this DVD is worth buying for these scenes alone.  I love that Tristan chose such a diverse mix of performers for this video, including people of color, and a range of gender presentations, including genderqueer Jiz Lee. More importantly, it's clear that all the couples have genuine chemistry and seem to be truly enjoying their scenes. Each interview is precluded by an interview with the performers, and the pegging is presented in the context of a full length sex-session for added realism. The non-pegging sex varied from Wolf Hudson switching by fucking Dylan Ryan's ass after she's given him a good pounding, to Mickey Mod enthusiastically cunt punching Jiz Lee, and a strap-on blowjob (both acts you'd almost never see in mainstream porn). A variety of pegging dynamics are explored through the scenes, as well: Dylan and Wolf's scene has a sweet "couple experimenting for the first time" feeling, while Jada exudes dominant energy as she pegs the clearly experienced Christian, and Mickey and Jiz's scene has a strong emphasis on queer sex and gender play. It really displays different ways couples can use pegging to explore different types of fantasies to suit a variety of tastes.

Dylan and Wolf's opening scene is very sweet and romantic, and because Wolf is less experienced as a bottom, they dedicate a fair amount of time to showing how anal warm up can be sexy, something that is often sorely (haha) missing from porn. This couple has a kind of cute 1950's butch-femme dynamic about them: Dylan is a post-modern pervese Doris Day, pairing a  retro swing dress and pearl earrings with a curly blonde fauxhawk and a baby pink double dildo, while Wolf has an irresistable tattooed, greasy haired "leader of the pack" look. This is probably the least "intimidating" scene for pegging newbies: it's shot with natural sunlight illuminating a beautifully appointed room ("don't get santorum on that $50 decorative pillow!"), and seems almost sort of sweet and innocent, like a teenage couple "going all the way" for the first time. This is my first time seeing Dylan Ryan perform, and her sexual intensity is INCREDIBLE- she is able to get off by strap-on fucking Wolf, and I was able to empathize with her pleasure  to the point that I found myself yelled "grab that Hitachi, girl!" literally two seconds before she indeed grabbed the Hitachi while Wolf was fucking her ass.

Jada Fire and Christian XXX's scene had the strongest D/s power exchange feeling of the three scenes. Christian is a big, bald, and butch strap-on power bottom, and high femme Jada has a sizzling, naturally dominant presence. I couldn't get over the fact that she'd color-coordinated her hot pink lingerie and hair extensions to match her black and fuschia dildo! She's like the Nicki Minaj of strap-on porn! Jada fucks Christian so good that he sort of curls up in fetal position and appears to be drooling on his pillow in pleasure as she takes charge. It's incredibly hot to see a tiny femme woman completely own this Mr. Clean lookalike with her pretty pink strap on, and Christian's submissive pleasure is superbly erotic and authentic .

Jiz Lee and Mickey Mod's scene has a distinctly queer feel, with a strong emphasis on genderfuck. Mickey and Jiz wear matching smoky eyeliner, men's briefs, and tank tops at the beginning of the scene, like sexy androgynous twins. I've been a fan of Jiz Lee's underground queer porn for a while now, and holy shit, Mickey Mod IS a pretty man in all that eyeliner! Jiz makes Mickey suck their strapon before he straddles it lapdance style, and the scene winds down with a shower sex scene featuring the aforementioned Kathy Acker-style cunt punching. Adopting a masculine persona while wearing a strap-on may not be a fantasy for all women who enjoy pegging, but it was fun (and brave) to see this genderqueer dynamic explored in a video geared towards straight couples.

The DVD included some useful extras as well. I forced myself to sit through the safer sex reel for posterity, expecting yet another lecture on the importance of using condoms, but was pleasantly surprised by  the inclusion of safer techniques for choking your partner during rough sex!

 The DVD also features a guide to selecting and wearing a dildo and harness, a section on male anal self-stimulation (featuring the delectable Christian again), and a guide to enemas. The enema portion was probably the most interesting and and useful for me (albeit a bit ridiculously porny, as an actress is shown attempting to give herself an enema while wearing high heels and lingerie). Tristan's suggestion of buying an inexpensive Fleet enema, dumping out the solution, and refilling the bottle with warm water, seems like great advice for enema beginners, and she also explains how to use a more complicated enema bag.

If there's anything I felt was missing from this film, it's that I would have liked more information about pegging for different body types, particularly in the "how to select a harness" featurette. Pegging can present unique challenges for larger bodies or people with physical disabilities. For example, fat folks may find that a more full-coverage harness like the Spare Parts works better than a strappy one, and personally find that I need a dildo with a longer insertable length to compensate for my chubby belly (this can also be helpful when pegging someone with a big, juicy butt). I would have loved to see a BBW porn star like April Flores or Kelly Shibari in one of the sex scenes for added body diversity. It would have also been cool to see some of other types of harnesses used in the scenes as well (like thigh, face and and palm harnesses). Nevertheless, I get that there's a limited amount of information that can be presented in one DVD.

In closing, this is an incredible DVD for pegging lovers of all experience levels- even if you're less interested in the educational section, the sex scenes are incredibly hot, authentic, and a lot of fun, and the bonus features include a lot of useful information as well.

My grade: 9/10. BUY IT.

Sex Toy Spotlight: Stricknine Takes on The Tentacle

I am very excited to have my good friend Stricknine as a guest toy reviewer this week! She's going to be reviewing a very unique toy made especially for people with hentai tentacle porn fantasies!

The Pocket Fisherman's Wet Dream, courtesy of the inimitable Geoff Carter

Stricknine's Review of Whipspider Rubberworks' "Tentacle" Dildo!

Do you love cephalopods? Do you have hentai fantasies? Well, I sure do, and had been lusting over this guy for a long, long time. I wanted to feel the nodules and suckers inside me, twisting and turning. My timing was always so bad, though. I'd have the money, but it would be out of stock. My amazingly beautiful and wickedly awesome ladypal Bianca gave me this gem for my birthday in February. Needless to say, my ladypals are rad to the max.

Bianca brought this over to the house along with some red velvet cupcakes spiked with chocolate-whipped cream flavored vodka and a pegging video. We had a fantastic evening eating cupcakes and watching said video with my fantastic gay best boyfriend roommate. I used the tentacle the next evening when I had some time to thoroughly investigate and enjoy it, and let me tell you. I really REALLY enjoy this toy each time I use it. By far, one of the BEST birthday presents I’ve ever received.

Now, as I stated above, I have a serious thing for tentacled creatures. Krackens, cuttle fish, octopuses. If it’s got tentacles, I probably think that it’s evolutionarily amazing and bound to replace humans after the apocalypse...


(in case you needed proof!)

If I were a mermaid, bet your paycheck I’d be with a half-man, half octopus. Because, damn. Those tentacles would be able to hit everything I need. So this one pretty much lives up to the fantasy..

I’m going to say this at least once, and I feel that it’s important enough to put in caps. I LOVE TO BE FILLED. Yes, I do. Thick, weighty dildos/penises/rolling pins/cocktail muddlers in my vagina make me incredibly happy. This tentacle definitely fulfills that need for me. I also love texture. If penises were made to have the texture of bubble wrap, I’d be sitting on them way more frequently than I already do. I’m a whore for nubbins, nodules, pits, nooks, and crannies. The tentacle definitely has some of this going on, but my only true complaint about the toy is this: the textured suckers are only on the left side of the toy. I wish with all my vaginal walls that the entire thing were textured. I get it... It’s an art/realism thing. But if I’m into sticking a tentacle into my pussy, then I’m pretty much over realism at this point. The g-spot stimulation that can be achieved with this is pretty sufficient considering this toy is soft, pliable silicone. It offers me a nice amount of pressure, and when coupled with clitoral stimulation, gets me off in my most favorite way. I suppose if you’re daring, you could try this beast anally. But beware. There is no technical flared base. Although I’d be impressed to meet the person that can get it that far in.

I must say, this piece is absolutely beautiful. It's made of 100% silicone, and has a beautifully firm yet flexible, cushy feel. The colors are striking and lovely, varying from a light minty green and to light blue, dark metallic blues and deep metallic purple. The suckers, which are mainly the light, minty green, also glow in the dark for night-time fun. I admit that I was apprehensive about the glow in the dark part, but it's done incredibly well and is very tasteful. It has a "bioluminescent" feel to it, like so many deep-sea creatures. There's no smell or taste, either. I have a really sensitive nose, so smell is incredibly important to me. If something smells funny, it’s not coming near me. This smells like nothing. Except me, when I’m finished.

The design of this toy is really fantastic. It's really a piece of art when not in use, but it functions just like you'd expect it to for play, based on its shape. As far as silicone g-spot stimulators go, this one was pretty on-the-money. The stimulation was very noticeable, but not as intense as the stimulation would be from a glass or steel toy. It is no where near as intense as the NJOY Pure wand, but offers a lot more than a standard dildo. The suckers provided really great texture and fun, especially when rotated back and forth. The size of this toy is really great, especially considering how much I like to be filled up. It has girth; the tip is approximately 3.75 inches in circumference, and it gradually widens to being about 9 inches at the base. What I'm calling the "main body" lies in circumferences between 5.75 and 8 inches around.

I'd say this toy is pretty discreet. It obviously looks nothing like something that would normally be inserted into a vagina. It's too beautiful to hide it away in a drawer, so I display it on top of my dresser! And yes, guests in my bedroom often pick it up and know immediately what it’s for. (That's because Stricknine hangs around with perverts like me -Bianca).

Cleaning the tentacle took a little extra time. The suckers are actually quite detailed, and there are a lot of small areas to get in and clean. Just take some extra care while cleaning the suckers. No biggie, and totally worth it for the beauty and texture of this piece. I use antibacterial soap and water for my silicone toys, but you can boil this bad boy or throw it in the dishwasher with no soap. Unfortunately it does have a tendency to collect lint, as most silicone toys do, but a quick rinse will take care of that!

Getting off with this toy by myself was fantastic and surprisingly fast. The combination of my cephalopod/hentai fantasy being "fulfilled" paired with the wave cycle on the Nea vibrator gave me orgasms in no time. The g-spot stimulation this dildo provides is really enjoyable without being overwhelming, and the textures offer for really nice variety.

You can purchase your own Tentacle at EdenFantasys, awesome retailer of vibrators, dildos, and other fine sex toys! School For Scandal readers get 15% off all purchases when you enter code TZZ at checkout!

52 Pickup: Queen of Clubs "Ritual"

Modeling for painters and photographers is one of my primary creative outlets along with writing. My amazing collaborator Mim Art and I performed an amazing 5 hour photo ritual in honor of the Queen of Clubs for her "52 Pick Up" art series. We both shot and modeled for this photo series which was a celebration of the feminine divine sexuality, luxury, and manifesting prosperity. She had posted some of the photos from our collaboration her blog, so please check it out here (safe for work). I've also posted some sample images and excerpt from my essay on this page.

Photos by Mim Weisburd

Photo by Bianca James

"We planned the shoot to coincide with my trip to the Bay Area in March. My suitcase was packed with jars of gold body powder and glitter, swathes of gold fabric and lingerie, a bellydancing hip belt covered in gold coins, and a pair of gold glitter encrusted stiletto heels I had purchased especially for the shoot. We stopped by the Farmer’s Market for jars of local honey, pastries glistening with glazed fruit and caramelized sugar, bright calendula blossoms and tulips, and mandarin oranges so fresh that the green stems and leaves were still sprouting from the fruit." -Bianca James