school for scandal

I feel pretty #2: Obsessed with Brushes

2012-01-27T11:01:00.004-06:00

In part two of Roman Scandal's personal style guide, I want to talk about something important: brushes for every part of your body.


My babies

I am going to admit that I still don't own any decent makeup brushes (I've been using the same cheap ones for years), so I am going to talk about other kinds of brushes today: tooth brushes, face brushes, and body brushes!


I'mma bite you.

First off, I need to give a shout out to my Phillips Sonicare electric toothbrush. This puppy will run you about $100, but if you consider the thousands of dollars I've poured into dental work, that's not a bad deal. Especially given my love of chocolate and coffee. (I have maybe half of my real teeth left). The first time I used one of these (at a boyfriend's house, he was classy and had a spare head for me), I proclaimed "I FEEL LIKE MY MOUTH HAS BEEN FUCKED CLEAN!" Because yeah, this is like a dental sex toy. (Don't get me started about dental fetishists, it's a thing.) It's great for idiots like me who can never figure out the proper "brush in a circular motion at a 45 degree angle for 2 minutes" thing with a manual toothbrush. The great thing is you just pop the electric toothbrush in your mouth hole, and it does its thing with perfection and grace. And you really will have better checkups if you use it in tandem with flossing and mouthwash. Speaking of, Oral B Glide Pro-Health is the only floss I use, and I do floss everyday. My crazy ex who actually was a dental fetishist turned me onto it, and it's so slippery and easy to use, and never shreds. Totally worth the extra money. I should probably look into some whitening products too, given my love of coffee, but people with suuuuper white teeth gross me out, so I'll probably stick to whitening paste for now.


Not my booty!

Next up, is my Fantasea Natural Bristle Body Brush. I got sucked into reading some hippie propaganda about dry brushing, and how it helps your skin detox, is great for exfoliation, reduces cellulite etc...You use a natural bristle brush (Which will run you anywhere from $5-$30, depending on what you buy) all over your dry body before you shower (to wash off any dead skin). I don't know if the health benefits are real, but it feels really amazing. I was expecting it to hurt, but it actually feels really nice and tingly, and I feel good all over after doing it. Plus my skin does seems noticeably smoother. I'm going to try it for a few weeks and report back. I also want one with a handle for my back!

The Clarisonic Mia. Any coincidence that Lelo makes a vibrator with the same name? And how many housewives abuse this for "alternate" uses?

My friend who is getting married (and hence, wants awesome skin) talked me into getting an electric face brush too. Clarisonic is the best known brand, but Olay makes a version that's a third of the price. I have no idea if the Clarisonic one is truly better, but the Olay one works pretty damn well. I am super obsessive and vain about my skin, ever since a brief stint working at Lush in my late twenties. My office's bathroom has RUTHLESS lighting, and I am guilty of spending a lot of time examining my pores, since I have an OCD obsession with blackheads and excising them. My skin is actually pretty nice, but it can ALWAYS BE BETTER! You put cleanser on your face, turn this thing on, and soft bristles oscillate over your skin, gently exfoliating and digging crap out of your pores. I enjoyed using this thing for the first time last night, since like the electric toothbrush, it's kind of like a vibrator for your face. I am also looking forward to hopefully having more obsessively perfect pores, since everyone I know who has one swears by it.

Now, I need to know your skincare and dental hygiene obsessions! TELL MEEEE!

I feel pretty #1: Contacts Vs. Glasses

2012-01-25T10:41:00.001-06:00

I don't do a lot of product reviews on here besides my sex toy reviewing, but let it be known that I'm also into clothes and beauty products, and that comes up here and there. (I recently wrote a piece for XOJane about my obsession with men's fragrances. You should also read the unrelated piece I wrote about Capoeira too). So I've decided to do a series of posts about my style and beauty regimen. And I want to hear what you do too! So let's talk vain shit today, shall we?

TOPIC #`1: Contact lenses vs. glasses!

I had perfect vision until my late 20s, when I discovered that I have an astigmatism and I'm slightly nearsighted in both eyes. (I still get away with not wearing glasses most of the time, but it's impossible for me to read far away signs or menus that are posted on walls). I am still on the fence about contacts vs. glasses. I just ordered new glasses from Zenni Optical (I love Zenni, even though the last two pairs I got from them broke).
I like that wearing glasses makes me look like a smart blonde, but they also make me look even more like an andro lesbian that I already do.(Oh, stereotypes!)

I'm a "gay man trapped in a woman's body," not a lesbian. SHEESH!

Also, I feel like glasses actually make my vision worse when I wear them a lot. And it creeps me out to see all the pores on someone's face. They feel like a weird kind of barricade when I'm talking to someone, so I tend to take them off in short range vision situations, but then I stick them on top of my head, and they get oily, or I have to find the case, which is a pain in the butt.

OTOH, there's contacts. Brazilian Maik accuses me of talking about my taxes and contact lenses too much, but whatever. I wear Focus Monthly Soft Colors, and vacillate between the three shades: Royal blue (which makes my blue eyes darker, Dune blue), Aqua (which makes my eyes vivid turquoise) and Evergreen, (which makes my eyes startlingly green). I like my natural eye color fine, but it's fun to mix things up, and these lenses have just a sheer layer of tint that tweaks your natural color if you have light eyes. Fun fact: the Optometrist that did my lens exam was named Dr. Glasscock, and was suuuuuper gay. He doesn't work at my Target Optical anymore, though.

The spice must flow.

Is it weird to have schizophrenic eye color? I guess I need an additional cosmetic factor to make contacts worth the price and bother for me. But I'm also super lazy about wearing them, so I develop the same complex I get when I pay for a gym membership and don't go very often. I wore my last pack maybe 10 times out of 30 days, so I am thinking I will take a break from them for a few months to save money. Another thing that annoys me about these lenses is it's really hard to tell which side is up, and sometimes both sides hurt. It took me literally an hour to learn how to put my lenses in for the first time because my eyeballs were literally like DO NOT WANT and rejecting them! It was way worse than losing my anal sex virginity. And then sometimes I rub my eye and it gets bunched up under my eyelid and I'm on a crowded train or something. So yeah, I'm not 100% sold on contacts either.

Which do you prefer, my blind friends?

The Mythical Vagina

2012-01-22T17:37:00.000-06:00

A crayon diagram I made for a a workshop I taught on G Spot orgasms, which are REAL, dammit.

Huffington Post ran this thing a few days ago: "G-Spot Does Not Exist, 'Without A Doubt,' Say Researchers." Actually what the research indicates is that there isn't a distinct structure that can be labeled the "G Spot" other than a cluster of clitoral nerves, prostatic glands, and the urethral sponge. In wholly phallocentric terms, the front wall of the vagina can be viewed as the undescended penile shaft, with the clitoris as the head of the penis (since, after all, both genital structures start out the same), with the prostate located on the front wall of the vagina. Imagine if the male prostate was located on the underside of the penis. Voila, G Spot! It is most likely this combination of nerves, glands, and erectile tissue that creates sensitivity in the "G Spot" and other internal sensations. The problem is, not all women have the same concentration of nerves and glands there, so YMMV. Some women may not have any G Spot sensitivity, but that doesn't mean it's "not real." (I swear by this toy for G spot exploration, incidentally- it changed my life.)

Why is female sexual health still so grossly misunderstood? (That's a rhetorical question). I get horrified when I read surveys that indicate that the majority of women don't understand basic vaginal anatomy and have yet to have an orgasm. I want to scream at the researchers who claim that the vagina is totally numb, and the G spot doesn't exist. I am frustrated with the well-meaning sex educators who promote the idea that oral sex is the be-all and end-all of for female orgasm. (It's nice, and should be considered a standard menu item, but I usually need my vibrator and some G spot stimulation to over the edge with a partner.) In addition to the bermuda triangle that is the G Spot, here's a few more vagina myths that drive me nuts.

1. The non-existent hymen.
So, on the topic of parts of the vagina that may or may not exist...
I consider myself something of a sexpert, but my mind was blown when I read this article by Swedish researchers on Scarleteen, a sex education site for teens. Guess what? There is no such thing as the hymen, and there never has been. They have dubbed the structure at the opening of the vagina as the "vaginal corona," which is a more apt description of what it looks/feels like.

Yoinked from Scarleteen.com for educational purposes.

These findings are interesting to me, as I never perceived any hymen-like membrane to exist on my on body (and yes, I was down there with a mirror as a teenager). Furthermore, my first sexual intercourse was not painful, and I didn't bleed. I attribute this to the fact that I had experience with masturbation prior to partner sex. I do believe that everyone's first sexual experience should be with themselves, and that one should understand their body to some degree before attempting sex with another person. I also think that teens should have access to sex toys (the hand alone never worked for me) though maybe Laura Berman's suggestion that parents buy a vibrator for their teenage daughter is a little creepy and patronizing. However, I don't think teens should be restricted from using their allowance to pick out their own toys from sex-positive feminists sex toy retailers like EdenFantasys, Good Vibes, Pleasure Chest, Babeland, and so forth. Teenagers are sexual people regardless of what their parents would like to believe, and having a vibrator seems like a pretty healthy and safe sexual outlet to me.

Anyway, back to the hymen. Like I said, I never perceived that I had a hymen and I believed that I'd somehow demolished it by using tampons or riding a bike or any of that other crazy bullshit about how the hymen mysteriously disappears prior to penetration. And guess what? Almost every other woman I've talked to has told me the same thing- they never seemed to have a hymen either. Granted, first intercourse is still painful for many women, but I imagine it has a lot to do with one's individual body and experience level. You probably won't bleed if you're using adequate lubrication and have spent some time on foreplay. Bleeding is a sign that your doing it wrong. What really blows my mind that the concept of the hymen is still so pervasive and important, and that bleeding is considered a sign of legitimacy, glorifying painful and unpleasant sex for women. That so much value is placed upon a structure that DOESN'T EXIST, across history and different cultures. I know the importance of the mythical hymen is tied in with control of women as property, but I'm glad someone (god bless the Swedes) is calling bullshit on this fallacy.

2. Female orgasm and its discontents
I have on several occasions had people express shock when I told them my real weight. At "morbidly obese" 250 pounds, they expect me to be confined to bed, gorging myself on cheese puffs as I slowly die of diabetes. Instead, I'm working out at the gym and wearing form-fitting clothing. I'm currently bigger than I'd prefer to be, but I'm also not a sexless, immobile cautionary tale. And the reason people are shocked by my weight is because we LIE ABOUT OUR WEIGHT. Nobody knows what 250 pounds looks like, or even 150 pounds, because we all think we should be 115 pounds.

This is what "morbid obesity" looks like. I am lounging quite comfortably on my death bed, thank you.

This is not an excuse to talk about my weight, it's an analogy. My point is- women have been faking orgasms for so long that nobody really knows what a real orgasm looks like anymore. I have mixed feelings about the whole faking orgasm phenomenon. Why can't we just admit that we're tired and ready to wrap up a sexual session? There have been many times where I had sex and didn't have a clitoral orgasm (which is kind of hard for me to have), and I still REALLY ENJOYED THE SEX. Orgasms are great, but if orgasm was truly the only objective of partner sex, we'd all stick to masturbation. I want to have the option of an orgasm, but not the obligation.

I guess what bothers me is the idea that women are "supposed" to have orgasms , but they're supposed to be convenient orgasms that happen under somewhat unrealistic circumstances. We're not supposed to pull out the vibrator, or ask our partner to do something differently, or accept the fact that it might take us an hour to get there. We're supposed to have an orgasm from penis in vagina intercourse, but it's somehow supposed be a clitoral orgasm, or a G Spot orgasm that feels like a clitoral orgasm? G Spot orgasms are very real, but they are a very different animal than clitoral ones.

The bottom line is we're supposed to have this amorphous mythical orgasm that's super loud and ego-validating to one's sexual partner, but it's not entirely clear how or why this orgasm is happening.

I recently wanted to watch something dumb while taking a bubble bath, so I put on Natalie Portman's trashy casual sex romcom "No Strings Attached" (which features Greta Gerwig saying things like "TEA FOR YOUR 'GINA!"). There's a scene where Natalie and Ashton Kutcher are having a quickie, and she tells him he has 45 seconds to cum because she has to get to work. He goes for it, and SHE MAGICALLY HAS AN ORGASM TOO.

Ok, I tried to contextualize this as "maybe she's getting a contact high." A contact high is the sort of mini orgasm I get when my partner is coming. I can usually tell when my partner is about to get over the edge, and it usually sends me into a sort of mini climax as well. I wouldn't call it a full blown clitoral orgasm, though. But, the thing is, I don't think that's what's happening here. I think she's faking it, and it makes me sad. Maybe she is that magically orgasmic 1%. But I kinda doubt it.

So let me esplain to you the kind of orgasms I tend to have on any given sexual sessions to give you an idea what it's really like:

1. The Tantric orgasm. Ok, this is kind of vague, but it's the sort of orgasm you get from pure energetic connection, when doing stuff like eye gazing and synchronized breathing, playing with your sexual energy. This may seem confusing if you're not into Tantra, so don't worry about it. It's incredible, but it's not the exact same as the sort of orgasm you get from physical stimulation.

2.The power surge. This tends to happen the first time I hook up with someone. I can have these when simply making out, or during foreplay, or over and over during intercourse. Sometimes people assume I have had my be-all, end-all orgasm when this happens because I am loud and responsive, and then I get pissed off if they stop. Not to be confused with faking, because the feeling is very real, but it is not the same as a clitoral orgasm. This tends to be tied in with very intense arousal for me.

3.The purely clitoral orgasm. I don't have these very often, and when I do I am either A. extremely turned on and B. using my Hitachi. These tend to be super intense and quick, and very physically localized, followed by involuntary contractions. I imagine this is the closest feeling to male orgasm.

4.The G Spot orgasm. This comes about as a result of intense G-spot stimulation and is an equally intense but very different type of orgasm that is deeper, more diffuse, longer lasting, and more of a full body sensation. This may or may not be accompanied by squirting. I can usually induce these much more easily than clitoral orgasms.

5. The blended orgasm, aka the mixed episode, aka the circuit breaker. This usually happens when I'm on the edge clitorally, ramp up the G spot intensity, and have a g spot and clitoral orgasm at the same time. This is usually accompanied by squirting. When this happens during partner sex I am usually exhausted and need a break afterwards because my arousal completely dissipates. When I am playing solo, I can usually do it 5 times in a row because once I've had one, I can usually have a bunch more if I'm running the show for some reason. These tend to require a lot of precise stimulation.

So there ya go. FIVE KINDS OF ORGASMS (six if you count the contact high). I'm not bragging, I'm just saying that the notion of female orgasm is fucking complex and seriously misunderstood. So you ask me if I've come yet, I'll probably say yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm done yet.

Relatedly, here is a short list of things you should NEVER say to me when I'm on edge: 1. Come for me! 2. How many times have you come? 3. I can't wait to hear you come! (Sometimes I have quiet orgasms, even though I have a reputation for being loud.) 4. Are you getting close? 5. Let's come together! Seriously, anything you say to put pressure on your partner to have an orgasm is just going to encourage faking. It is the HUGEST buzzkill for me. By all means, talk dirty to me. But don't make your dirty talk hinge on how you're going to make me come SOOOOOO HARD. No, you're not. Not by telling me that.

So yes, there's a reason I'm writing about vaginas and my orgasms on the internet, because I think these things are misunderstood and need to be talked about more to gain better understanding for the better of everyone. If the research coming out of the scientific community is bullshit, we need to do our own research. It doesn't have to be this scary, politics riddled thing. Sex should be fun, and our bodies are awesome.

Solo Sex Toy Smackdown: The best $85 pillow you'll ever buy.

2012-01-10T07:58:00.002-06:00

You may remember that I was underwhelmed by Liberator's pricy "Fascinator Posh Throe" a while back. To be fair, I still use it a lot, just don't think it's well-designed enough to be worth the $85 price tag. However, I was willing to give Liberator a second chance, and took a chance with their famous Wedge pillow. The Wedge is the same price as the throe- $85- although shipping is about $20+ extra because of its large size. It's definitely an investment, but I'm actually really glad I took the plunge with this one.

This picture reminds me of an ergonomic cheesecake pinup!

I've admittedly been craving one of these for a while now. My last relationship was with a man who was a full 12" taller than myself, so certain positions were tricky for us. There was a lot of using multiple pillows or re-purposing household furniture to get things to line up properly. I had the predictable "WHY SHOULD I SPENT $85 ON A FUCK PILLOW, I'LL FIND SOMETHING CHEAPER THAT WORKS" attitude that most people have prior to trying the Liberator Wedge. Trust me, I never found anything cheaper than has worked as well, and I really should have just sprung for the Wedge there and then.

Still not convinced? Here are my reasons why spending the $85 on the Wedge is way better than propping your butt on a stack of regular pillows:

-The foam is ultra-dense and supportive. I have an impressively big ass, and I have had no problem with it supportive my weight/width.

-The elevation is just about perfect at 7", not too high or too low for most purposes. If you want even more elevation, there are other a multitude of alternatives like the Ramp (the basic model will run you about about $150, but it's SRS BIZNIS).

-The cushion has a waterproof cover, and an zippered, washable velvet outer cover, which means that is you get stuff on it, you can throw the cover in the washing machine, or even rinse it out by hand.

-It's helpful for a vast multitude of sex acts- oral, fisting, doggy style, missionary (for people who have height differential), even for giving foot rubs! It's also great for masturbation since I find the elevation makes it easier to angle my toys. And it can even double as an in-bed laptop desk or yoga prop (it's great for stretching your lower back, hips and hamstrings). Yes, the potential uses are endless.

Seriously, I love this thing. Yes, it's pricy. Yes, it's worth it. It's extremely well designed, and makes even the most pedestrian sex acts a billion times more comfortable and pleasurable. If I were Oprah, I would give one to every audience member. That's just how good it is!

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys (all opinions expressed are my own), awesome retailer of vibrators, dildos, and other fine sex toys!

The art of the post-undergrad angst film

2012-01-09T16:06:00.000-06:00

For some reason I've been drawn to media pertaining to post-undergraduate angst, for reasons unclear to myself. I'm 31 years old, actually work full time in the field I got my bachelors in (though I'm going back to grad school to change fields), and have done quite a lot of amazing shit in the ten years since I graduated. Lest you think I'm bragging, I'll admit that I've also had the requisite shit jobs, the existential angst, and ill-advised relationships. So I'm not quite sure what inspired me to re-watch Reality Bites other than this article on Jezebel:

It was remarked recently that you know when you're a grown up when you no longer find Ethan Hawke's scruffy, smart-ass character in Reality Bites charming, but see him as the dirty hipster he is.

I'm officially a grown up, I guess. Though, to be fair, I didn't find him attractive the first time I saw the movie, when I was 14. I was too busy crushing on clean shaven, manorexic goth dudes I guess.

I see the value of this movie, but much like the Catcher in the Rye, the first time I saw it I was too young to understand it, and the second time I was too old to relate to it. I mean, what the hell was so wrong about Ben Stiller's character, anyway? Maybe he had a corporate job (though it really could have been a lot worse) and a cell phone (omg, early adopter!) but unlike Ethan, he actually treated Winona like he cared about her instead like some manic pixie dream boy. I didn't buy the happily ever after shit at the end, either.

Besides marking the death of Winona Ryder's acting career, this film kind of makes me think that despite all the Gen X vs. Gen Y kerfuffle, post-undergraduate angst is one of those things that is always kind of the same. It's part of the reason the Graduate is still enjoyable 45 YEARS (WHAT??!!!) after it was released in 1967.

Case in point: Tiny Furniture.

I watched this indie (NOT MUMBLECORE!) film Friday night after going home sick from work. There is no specific reason I watched this as a follow-up to reality bites, but it's eerily similar in many regards. Young female filmmaker Aura graduates college, hangs around with friends, gets involved with bad men, can't find job, alienates family. This film is kind of Lena Dunham's vanity project- she wrote the screenplay, directed, and starred in it (one assumes it's loosely based on her own life, as her IRL mom and sister play her mom and sister). She could collaborate with Vincent Gallo and create the most narcissistic film known to humanity. This movie is full of sadness and fail, eliciting a mixture of disgust and pity as Aura wears mini sundresses with bike shorts (at least Reality Bites had the excuse of actually being set in the 90s), begs to sleep in her mom's bed, constantly looks like she needs to wash her hair (but not in the salon-styled faux dirty hair sense), and has bareback sex in a junk yard with a creepy weasel who can't even show up to mooch drugs off of her. Yes, this movie is realistic rather vulnerable, but it also kind of made me want to throw up. I guess I like seeing movies about real people who actually look like real, but movies about real people being pathetic and cringeworthy makes my soul bleed. The whole time I kept thinking of this goth chick I knew in college who left the room during an early Todd Solondz film because she "didn't find ugly people to be entertaining." That seems like a horrible assessment of this film, but I swear it's not directed so much at Aura as just the entire film being as kind of uncomfortably stale and sweaty as Aura's sheets.

The final item in this trifecta of angst is this song from Kanye West's "The College Dropout" which I downloaded last weekend:

(Yes, I realize that this was his first album, but Graduation was actually my first Kanye album. I'm kind of disappointed that the last one wasn't called "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Post-Doc." But I digress.)

Working at the Gap was a major theme in Reality Bites, too. But this song captures the sheer misery of working retail with astounding accuracy, in the context of an album with themes about how college is probably overrated.

But yeah, where the hell is that spaceship, anyway?

Why meditation might be a better idea than dieting.

2012-01-06T11:26:00.001-06:00

I apologize that the updates have been few and far between these days, the holidays were cray-cray and I have grad school essays to write.

So, 2012. I am not quite ready for it to be a new year. 2011 was about making positive transformations and letting go of things that were no longer working. That felt amazing. 2012 is about embracing new things and watching them manifest. That is by far, much more terrifying. (For the record, although the American empire is clearly falling apart, I'm not particularly concerned about the world ending. The Mayans themselves don't actually believe that crap.)

My only new years resolution is to have my important conversations off-line. I have blogged a fair amount about how upsetting internet flame wars can be, especially when related to causes (like queer rights and feminism) that matter a lot to me. I get IRL upset when someone who has no idea who I really am flings accusations at me. Unfortunately, I spend a lot of time behind my computer with my day job, and my limited time/energy to be social so it's a convenient venue to discuss important issues, but again, not an ideal one. I guess this is part of why I'm returning to graduate school: to conduct intellectual discourse with warm bodies. So anyway- I'm doing my best to stay away from internet drama in 2012, which is semi-challenging given that I'm a regular blogger for several websites, and I semi-regularly write about touchy issues. I'm going to do my damndest, though.

So the classic New Years resolution is weight loss, yes?

I've been meaning to write another angsty fatty post for a while now. I gained about 20 pounds in the past 8 months. Not coincidentally, this was the exact same amount I lost 2 summers ago during the highly effective if involuntary broken refrigerator diet. Not coincidentally, this weight gain correlated with a number of stressful/intense factors in my life, most of which are too private to talk about here. This was kind of psychologically devastating for me after over 2 years of either maintaining or losing weight. I think this maintenance was largely attributable to going to the gym a lot, and doing a lot of demanding yoga and pilates classes. Exercise has never enabled me to lose weight, but for some reason it keeps me from gaining new weight. I decided to apply for grad school last April, and suddenly things like volunteer work and conferences papers were sucking up my gym time. I think this is mostly what led to the weight gain, though I notice that if I gain more than 5 pounds there's a sort of snowball effect.

I recently read this article in the New York times that is vastly depressing. It spells out a lot of things I already knew- that dieting wrecks your metabolism, that it's incredibly difficult to maintain major weight loss, and that a lot of why our bodies are the way they are is genetic. The message it seems to leave is that it's important to eat healthy and exercise, but that these things won't necessarily lead to a major or permanent weight loss without drastic measures and constant vigilance. I certainly have found this to be true. I have never dieted perse, though I tend to go through phases where I am more careful where I eat, and phases where my dietary choices are largely dictated by stress and exhaustion. I have lost weight about three times in my adult lifetime (50 pounds in Japan, and 20 pounds twice in Chicago). Every single time it has come back. Every single time it comes back, it is harder to lose.

So here's the thing. I really do feel like I do the best I can given my circumstances. I have a gym membership, and I go as often as my schedule permits. (Unfortunately sometimes it's a choice between working out or some other, equally important lifestyle thing.)I cook at home and eat plenty of fruits and vegetables and protein and whatnot. I understand nutrition. And sometimes I don't fucking know why I get fat. Yes, I drink wine and eat cookies on a regular basis. But I did these things for those two years that I didn't gain any weight as well.

The hardest part is having my doctor make assumptions about my lifestyle and tell me that I'm an unhealthy weight when all my tests indicate that I am, in fact, healthy.

The hardest part is thinking about it every day. Wondering what my fatness has cost me as a member of society- not in terms of dollars, but in terms of discrimination. Feeling torn by my fat positive politics, and the constant external pressure from everywhere. Feeling depressed when my old clothes don't fit. Feeling unattractive and self conscious, and out of control because my body won't behave, and because I can't maintain the extreme lifestyle I'd need to actually lose a significant amount of weight, and keep it off against the odds.

This shit is exhausting, y'all.

I got into it with my gynecologist the last time I had a pap smear. She did her best to be compassionate, but I still felt seriously fucking judged. Her reasoning was that she used to be overweight but then went to Weight Watchers and had managed to stay magically thin ever since.

I think it is hard for people to empathize when they don't have the genetic pre-disposition for being fat (I only have to look at my family to understand that I do), when they aren't biologically wired for food addiction. For the record, being eating disordered is NOT the same as having a drug or alcohol dependency. It is harder on a certain level because you can't quit eating cold turkey. (Well, you can, but it's not a good idea.) And it is hard because our society is just so completely fucked up about food. It's true that people in Japan and Europe are generally thinner than Americans, but they also care a lot more about eating food that isn't total shit. And believe it or not, many of those enviably thin French and Japanese women are legitimately anorexic or otherwise eating disordered- I've observed it first hand. I know that part of the reason I lost so much weight in Japan was the overwhelming social pressure. I was treated so much better when I did.

So, I am also trying to move away from narcissistic OMG MY LIFE IS SO FUCKED type rants, and be pro-active about what I can do to make things better. So here goes.

So yesterday I went to see a nurse practitioner (not my usual doctor) to have a burn looked at (ironing accident, whee!) When she got around to the "let's talk about your general health" part of my visit, I bristled. "I know I've gained weight recently and I know why." I told her defensively. "I wasn't even planning on bringing it up," she said, a little put off. "But is there anything you want to change?" And I broke it down for her, that I exercise and generally eat pretty healthy, but that I'm also biologically wired for fatness, and that I eat to cope with stress. The funny thing is this isn't necessarily learned behavior. My mom says that as a baby I wanted to nurse until I would literally puke. I was born an overeater. Awesome.

I'm also person who is pretty much never stressed out- that's another major health challenge for me, is that I am very susceptible to anxiety and burnout. Some of this is physiological, some of this could be attributed to the fact that I was hospitalized with severe asthma attacks as a small child and put on serious stimulants(including one that is no longer used because of the side effects) to keep me alive. I'm glad to be alive, but I'm fairly certain this might have fucked up my nervous system to no small degree. It doesn't take much for me to get stuck in fight or flight mode.

Anyway, the cool thing about this nurse was instead of telling me to go on diet (least helpful advice ever), she told me that I should consider working on managing my stress. And this actually was helpful advice. If stress is the underlying factor for my bad food choices (which, apart from the fat issue, affect my health in general), then maybe treating the stress directly is more productive that beating myself up for my emotional eating as a response to stress. Yesterday was the final day of a week-long staycation where I managed to keep myself perpetually stressed out by trying to catch up on a massive backlog of personal tasks ranging from house work to grad school essays to freelancing assignments. It wasn't really relaxing or fun. So I went home, and blew off the gym and working on writing, and I spent two hours away from the computer, stretching and meditating and re-building my altars.

I think the hardest part for me is that putting aside time to deal with stress often means neglecting other things- but if I'm calmer, I can probably get more done. Doing yoga or even just lying on the floor twenty minutes is generally less appealing than the dopamine laced physical dissociation of dicking off online for an hour, but I feel a whole lot better afterwards. This should be obvious, but I tend to forget it. It's not going to happen unless I actively make it happen.

I actually attempted to sign up for a weekly meditation class today to this end, but it was full. So instead I'm going to see if I can set my timer for an hour every day to spend an hour offline, getting back into my body and reality after being locked in the desk job and commute cage for ten hours every day. The truth is, I FORGET to do this. I'm in denial of how stressed out I get, or I get self-defeating and hopeless, convinced that nothing I do will make it better, longing for escape. But I'm giving myself permission to neglect other things I could hypothetically be doing to take this time every day, in the hopes it will become habitual.

Your assumptions are killing me (don't fucking tell me what to do!)

2011-12-24T10:53:00.002-06:00

Ok, this is a wack post where I rehash something that someone did on the internet that hurt me, but I need to get it off my chest.

I am currently feeling kind of upset because someone called me a "straight woman" to justify their opinion that I am dehumanizing my gay friends by referring to them as "my gays" in this article I wrote for XO Jane about enjoying men's fragrances.

Initially the commenter claimed that I'm treating my gay male friends like "dogs or handbags" by calling them "my gays." I replied that that's a super fucking demeaning slant that they're projecting onto my words, that has nothing to do with me. As far as I'm concerned, saying "my gays" is my equivalent of saying "my girls." My gays ARE my girls. We get together and paint our nails and drink cocktails and listen to records and gossip. And they were able to offer me some wonderful insight into the psychology behind selecting a perfume that I doubt any of my other friend demographics would be able to provide.

Then comes out the big guns of the Oppression Olympics:

Commenter accuses me of objectifying gay men because I am a "straight woman."

Readers, you know this already, but I DO NOT identify a straight woman.

If they had actually paid attention to the article there are hints that this may not actually be the case. But clearly this assumption is based on the fact that I'm FAAB (female-assigned at birth), and sleep with men.

In simplest terms, I am genderfluid/androgynous person who is pansexual, with a preference for masculine or androgynous people. I also identify as girlfag, an identity which is very fucking real, and also very fucking misunderstood. I am ok with having female or male pronouns used to describe me, (I am not a fan of zir or they for myself), and I will not get upset with you either way.

I've already written a bit about how PC policing in online communities (and IRL to some degree) is sometimes seriously counter productive. I do care about being sensitive to people's feelings, nor do I wish to be hurtful/hateful. But there also some ways where I feel that it's inappropriate to "call out" strangers, especially around controversial issues like reclaimed words (such as slut, fag, fatty, etc.) You don't know what that word means to that person, and telling them they can't say something because you perceive it as subjectively offensive feels a bit controlling and hostile. Personally, I LOVE reclaimed words. A lot of people hate them. I respect an individual's disdain for reclaimed words, and their choice not to use them. However, I DON'T think that gives them the right to tell me not to use me not to use them. Because guess what- my personal politics are also valid in this case. I am not a frat boy saying "THAT'S SO GAY" for funzies. If I want to call myself a girlfag, that's my FUCKING IDENTITY, and not an attack on anyone else. The people who attempt to online white knight for the rights of the queer community need to realize that I'm also member of the queer community, and I have rights, too.

Maybe the problem is it's too difficult to explain the nuances of these issues in online communities, but unfortunately it seems like this is where a lot of these discussions happen. A friend described me as being on the "bleeding edge" of queer identity, and that's going to lead to a lot of misunderstanding/invisibility. Trust me folks, I tried being a straight girl- it didn't work. I am not, in fact, a straight girl, even if you think I look like one. Nor am I a lesbian, which seems to be the other thing that people I assume I am.

I don't really care that much if people I assume I am a straight/lesbian woman based on my appearance if they are not an asshole about it. If it's a situation where I feel that it's important to explain that I'm not, then I will. What is 100% not cool is to use your assumption that I am a straight women to justify attacking my choice of language.

I'm a writer. I write like I talk. If you don't know me, you might misconstrue some of the things I say. I'm happy to explain my intent, if you're actually willing to listen to me. But I am not going to contort my voice to the point of extinction to attempt to avoid offending your easily-provoked sensibilities. Mutual respect is the name of the game. If you really think I'm truly being an ignorant asshole, call me out on it, but don't fucking attack me based on assumptions about who I am when you don't know me, and accept that I may have a totally different (and valid) take on things.

I have come to the conclusion that the Oppression Olympics is just another form of trolling. My New Year's resolution is to stop feeding the trolls.

What's in your ho-liday ho-bag?

2011-12-18T20:13:00.006-06:00

I admit it, "ho" is one of my favorite reclaimed words. Theoretically short for "hooker" or "whore," ho can imply not a sex worker but a sexually adventurous individual and seems more playful than "slut." Today we are going to reclaim the word "ho bag." Ho-bag is historically an insult, but today I am going to show you how to make your own ho bag, a very useful thing to have around this season when people are getting drunk at ho-liday parties and ho-oking up. Don't be caught unprepared- carry your ho-bag with you at all times!

Step One:
Find your ho bag. Cosmetics pouches work well for this purpose. If you just want to carry a few condoms and single serving lube packets, you could get this incredibly discreet and swanky condom compact. But if you hoping to throw in a vibrator or a toothbrush as well, go bigger- this silver snakeprint pouch by Devine Toys has an elegantly slutty vibe, and is big enough to tote some serious swag!

All the better if your ho-bag resembles an actual vag.

Step Two:
Stuff your ho-bag with safer sex stuff! I personally love the Beyond Seven studded condoms, and consider carrying some extra large condoms if you're a size queen. (While we are on the subject of Magnums, I'd like to publicly ask men with average sized cocks to STOP INSISTING ON USING MAGNUMS IF YOU DON'T ACTUALLY NEED THEM. Buying Magnum condoms does not magically make your dick bigger, but it does increase the risk of the condom slipping off during sex. Your dick is perfect the way it is, buy condoms that fit it properly.) Also gloves, female condoms, dental dams, whatever your barriers of choice are.

My favorite porta-lube! Pic courtesy of EdenFantasys.com.

You'll also want some lube. I dislike single serving lube packets (too messy and hard to use), but I love the 1oz bottle of System Jo Agape lube. It's tiny but holds a decent amount of a fantastic water-based lube, has a convenient and leak-proof snap top, and is refillable! At $6 what's not to love?

Step Three:
Sleepover stuff. This might include a travel toothbrush- they have those teeny tiny pre-toothpasted disposable ones now, though I havent tried them yet. A pair of clean underwear is always nice, too. These ones are cute, and available up to 3X! If you're not the sleepover type, pack a $20 for cab fare!

Step Four:

Fun stuff! A small vibrator is always nice. Jimmyjane makes an inexpensive yet totally classy bullet vibe that runs on watch batteries and is the perfect size for your ho-bag. If you're a luxury addict, the Lelo Nea or the We Vibe Salsa (shown at left) are two tiny but powerful, rechargeable options! Toy/body wipes are nice, too!

Depending on your tastes, and the size of your ho-bag, you could also pack a butt plug, a nipple clamps, a cock ring, etc...

What do you put in your ho-bag (if you have one?) Have fun and play safe!

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys (all opinions expressed are my own), awesome retailer of vibrators, dildos, and other fine sex toys!

Menstrual Mutiny! (Or: I still don't miss having a period.)

2011-12-15T09:44:00.000-06:00

Photo courtesy of Sputniko!

I am having my period for the first time in over a year. An actual period, not breakthrough bleeding (for the record, the periods most people get on the pill are called “withdrawal bleeding” triggered by hormonal withdrawal, they aren’t true menstruation). I take continuous birth control pills, so I usually don’t bleed at all. It got to the point where even if I skipped four days to induce bleeding, I wouldn’t bleed. So I got complacent about always taking my pill on time. Last month I forgot to take a pill, and I got breakthrough bleeding, so I took a break from my pill until it was over. I started taking it again, forgot another pill a few weeks later. Then- get this- I GET SYMPTOMS OF OVULATION. I am in denial, think that is must be something else that’s causing my spiked sex drive and change in vaginal climate. Then I get cramps. “Well, maybe it’s my lower back and abs cramping from the workout I did at the gym last night,” I think. Nope, I’m bleeding, and suffering the inconsolable depression that led me to start taking the pill in the first place. And this time it’s a real live period, not the wimpy fake periods you usually get on the pill. I’ve been bleeding for over a week now, and though it’s not as horrifyingly heavy as my pre-pill periods, it’s still a lot of blood. It’s a damn good thing I don’t use the pill for birth control, because this counts as an epic fail.

I seriously don’t know what caused this shift from menstruation-resistant vag to ACTUAL MENSTRUATION ON THE PILL. I mean, the forgotten pills are logically to blame, but like I said, I used to be able to skip four pills and still not bleed. I know diet, medications, sexual activity, etc. can all shift your hormones in ways that will make the pill less effective. I’ve gained about 20 pounds recently. I’ve been alternately super sexually active, and celibate. I’ve started exercising a lot more. I’m sure any of these things could be factors. I will definitely go back to religiously taking the pill at the same time every day in order to stabilize my hormones (hopefully) once I stop bleeding. But, agh!

So here’s the thing. Back when I was writing my conference paper on menstrual suppression, I was reading all these anti-suppression books and articles where women were claiming that menstruation is this wondrous feminine lady thing that should be celebrated and that to suppress your menstruation is to DENY YOUR TRUE WOMANHOOD (I’m genderqueer, so I’m already pretty guilty of that). There were even women that claimed they enjoyed the way they felt on their periods. I started second guessing myself- I’d always experienced my periods as being horrible and interfering with my ability to function, but maybe I’d been wrong? It had been so long since I’d had one that I couldn’t remember.

Well, now I can tell you with confidence- FUCK THIS SHIT. Hemmorhaging blood for a week so my body can make my uterus a comfy breeding ground for an unwanted fetus is bullshit. Nonstop cramping and nausea and headaches and severe depression are bullshit. Telling me I’m a bad feminist for wanting to avoid this nightmare altogether is BULLSHIT. I’m going to pull the non binary gender card here and say that biology is not destiny, and if medical science has a (usually) effective way of making my period go away, then that’s an awesome thing. I just wish I knew what was screwing with my hormones enough to give me an actual period.

All is well in the Roman Empire

2011-12-13T23:42:00.003-06:00

STUFF! and THINGS!

Two new pieces of mine went live last week:

An article about pubic hair politics on Eden Cafe. I still haven't broken out the blue and purple Betty dye, I should get on that.

The joys of buying accessories during international travel for XOJane. I find it amusing that I was accused of being a privileged whitey in my article about medical advocacy, but not in this article about shopping while on vacation in foreign countries, which is TOTALLY about being a privileged whitey colonizing foreign lands with consumerism! Why must people on the internet be so inconsistently judgy?

Now, let me tell you about my FANCY NAILS.
I am a devotee of Sally Hansen Salon Effects nail polish strips which are easy to use, and last almost as long as a no-chip manicure, so I was curious about Sephora's "Nail Bling." I had an order that was $5 short of some free samples, so I added a set of the "Black Rainbow" stickers to my order. I liked them because they look sort of new wave, and Black Rainbow reminds me of this CocoRosie song:

(I just outed myself as a freakfolk fan, it's cool.)

Ok, so these are cheaper than the Sally stickers, and it's because they're realistically more like press on nails. You're supposed to file them into shape, but they are way too thick for that to work, so I wound up trimming them off with nail clippers. The texture is neat (teeny tiny rhinestones), but the rainbow pattern is kind of too broad, and doesn't really fit on one nail very well:

There's another big problem. Unlike the Sally strips, which completely bond to your nails until you use polish remover, these are basically vinyl pieces backed with press-on nail glue. Which meant when I started to put lotion on my legs (I was all up in the Saturday morning beauty ritual cut) they started peeling off. I wound up taking all of them off, 5 minutes after applying them, because it was clear they were not up to the task.

So I did this vaguely holiday/Sally Bowles inspired manicure instead:

It's a coat of Sinful's San Francisco over a coat of OPI's Russian Navy. It's sparkling deep green, and bitchen.

IN OTHER NEWS:

Listening to: Pnau (amazing), Robyn ("automatic booty applications"?), White Lies (cheesy, love it), M83, Barn Owl (which is equally great for sex and yoga), In Bed With Susie Bright (<3 Susie!). I found out today that there's a genre of Hip Hop out of Alabama called "Cloud Rap"(!!!) and I am really hoping that G-Side gets Elizabeth Fraser of Cocteau Twins to guest on a track, because OMG. I also won Kate Bush's new album on vinyl at a party last Thursday (technically Barrett won it, kept the included CD and gave me the LP, but that works for me), so I need to get my turntable set up again!
I don't celebrate Christmas, which means I'm spending my holiday bonus on patterned tights from Forever 21 and eyeshadow from Aromaleigh. This was apparently a sound investment, because I spent 15 minutes this morning applying fancy yet tasteful eye makeup and people were markedly nicer to me all day long, which is simultaneously awesome yet depressing.
Got to try my Liberator Wedge this weekend. Expensive, but so totally worth the money, I promise! Review forthcoming, eventually.
I watched Heathers for the first time in ten years last weekend, and re-discovered where my taste for sociopathic men comes from. MMMM, crazy. JD is kind of a poor man's Holden Caulfield by way of Jack Nicholson (JD= intentional Salinger reference?) IIRC, chaos was not, in fact, what killed the dinosaurs. (It might have been a meteor, though.) Unfortunately Christian Slater aged about as well as the leggings and ankle socks fashion combos in this film, but damn he was hot in 1989.
My pretend girlfriend/exotic doppelganger Amber Rose is shilling for whipped cream and marshmallow flavored vodka. I kind of love her for it, since I secretly loved terrible flavored vodkas as much as I love Amber Rose.

Now, you tell me a story in the comments! How is your holiday season going, friends?

Sex Toy Smackdown #3: Purple G, Part Two

2011-12-06T10:56:00.001-06:00

Prince also has a suit that matches the purple Ola!

Welcome to the second installment of the Purple G Smackdown. In this battle, I am comparing two high-end toys that have three major things in common: they're purple, they vibrate, and they're designed specifically for G-spot stimulation. Part One put Jopen's loopy Vanity VR9 to the test, this episode will explore Minna Ola, a toy that has generated a lot of "buzz" (teehee) amongst sex toy fans.

I let my awesome friend also named Ola christen this toy (at a play party) because I figured she deserved it. (She was also helping with an educational demo of mine.) This is Ola with the Ola:

Two great Olas, together at last.

Anyway, I still want Ola to review it, but I can't bear the thought of loaning out the toy yet, so it will happen...eventually? But here's my take on it for now.

Retail price: $165ish

Specs: 7.75" long, 5.5" insertable length, 1.25" diameter (at widest point), 0.75#

Image courtesy of EdenFantasys.com

Appearance: Ola comes in two shades of purple: magenta, and a darker royal purple (which is the one I bought). The insertable end vibrates, and is a slightly curved, tapered, bulbous shape that is neither too big nor too small (and I believe it would be a good size for a wide variety of bodies).

There are two buttons at the top of the insertable portion, where it meets the handle. The lower button turns the toy on, the upper button is used to record vibration patterns. (More on this later). The handle end curves back like a cobra head, and has an air cushion you press on to trigger vibrations. Press harder, and the vibration intensifies. Release, and vibration stops. The idea is you can "record" a pattern with the second button which the toy will play on a loop, since it would take a lot of hand strength to manually manipulate the toy for an extended masturbatory session.

The toy is made of soft matte silicone, so it's easy to clean with warm water and soap, and doesn't pick up lint or dust. There is a waterproof charger panel on the upper underside of insertable portion of the toy, the charger cord attaches magnetically to this panel, and plugs into the wall (the toy conveniently rests on the charger as a "stand" to boot). When you press the power button it will blink up to three times (full charge) to indicate the power level. The toy is fully charged in 3 hours, and should not left plugged in for 24 hours or more. The air pad has a tendency to deflate during plane travel, but you can unplug the jack from the charger, and insert it in a hole at the top of the handle, which will reinflate the pad!

Special features: Rechargeable, waterproof, programmble vibrations, incredible design! Comes with a pretty grey satin pouch for storage, and a Minna sticker (which I stuck on my laptop, next to a good luck sticker from this shrine in Kyoto, and the reading mudflap girl DDD sent me!)

Minna sticker is the one on the bottom left. Achtung!

Orgasmic Factor: I recently became acquainted with the concept of "rumbly" vibrations vs. "buzzy" vibrations (kind of like sting vs. thud in kink!) Buzzy vibrators tend to give more surface sensation, whereas rumbly ones are more intense and penetrating. The Minna definitely falls into the rumbly category, which I prefer. There is a LOT to love about this toy. The shape is perfect- a decent length, filling, without being too big or too small, and the curve hits the G spot well. It's also strong enough to get me off clitorally in a pinch, though I'd probably still default to my Hitachi in most cases. I tend to like to program a pattern, stick it in and leave it there rather than thrust with this one, as the handle inconveniently faces away from the front of the body when the insertable is curved towards the g spot, though this does leave the clit accessible for using a second vibrator. The buttons don't accidentally switch on/off very easily (you have to hold them down), which is a plus as well.

I generally prefer a consistent "buzz" with my vibrators and skip the special patterns that many high end toys are programmed with- I find them annoying. So I was somewhat dubious about the custom-programmable pattern function- what if I just want it to buzz? Well, you can make it do that too, but I discovered I actually enjoy variable patterns if I create them organically! You turn on the toy, then hit the second button to start recording. At this point you can press the air pad soft or hard, start or stop, pulse, etc. until you've established the pattern you want. Hit the second button again, and it plays your pattern on a loop. (It's less complicated than it sounds.) If you want a consistent straight buzz, just hold the air pad down hard for a few seconds and record it. But I found I really enjoyed experimenting with making my own patterns. While the pre-programmed variable patterns on my other toys tend to be annoyingly predictable- I found if I make my own pattern that alternates between straight buzz, pulsing, and pauses, it's exciting and delicious! It feels more authentic and human somehow- like the natural variations of partnered sex. So I am a huge fan of this programmable function. The only downside is you can't "save" your patterns, so you have to start from scratch each time, but I guess that's a bit much to expect from a sex toy that isn't computerized. You could also control it manually without the patterns, but I imagine your hand might get tired pretty fast.

I only have one major complaint about this toy- the seam that runs all around the edges of the side of the toy. This was pronounced enough to be irritating when inserted, and will hopefully be addressed in future editions of the toy. I don't know if it's safe to file down silicone or not, and would be worried about damaging the toy.

Overall Grade: 9/10
There are admittedly a few downsides to the Ola- namely the high price tag and annoying seam. In spite of all this, I'm still giving it a 9, because it really delivers. Intense, deep vibrations, can be used clitorally or internally, the programmable function, and so many brilliant little design details! It is currently the only toy on the market that allows you to program custom vibration patterns, and I think this innovation is worth the extra cost. If you're going to drop some big bucks on a rechargeable g-spot vibrator, I would recommend the Ola over the Vr Vanity 9. I am sure some folks might disagree, as both are pretty great. This is definitely a worthwhile sex toy investment for any serious sex toy collector!

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys (all opinions expressed are my own), awesome retailer of vibrators, dildos, and other fine sex toys!

Bullet points

2011-12-01T12:08:00.001-06:00

Lots of things I've been thinking about lately, but haven't committed to a full post yet:


My favorite kind of horse meat

The repeal of the horse meat ban. I understand that there are reasons why it's fucked up, but the entire meat industry is fucked up (and I say this as an omnivore). Mostly I am annoyed by the "OOOOH NOOO THEY'RE KILLING THE PRETTY PONIES!!!" sentiment, because I don't understand what makes the life of a horse more valid than the life of any other animal that we presently eat as food. I apparently missed out on the "horsey girl" stage of adolescence (Lisa Carver dedicated an entire issue of rollerderby to this phenomenon) though I did have a few super fancy acrylic horsey figurines left over from my big sisters. I ate horse meat a few times in Japan, and initially had the whole "NOOOOO HORSES ARE NOT MEAT" reaction, but I got over it. Horse meat is tasty- it's pretty similar to beef. A lot of countries around the world eat it. I've heard a fair amount of "We're not barbarians like the Chinese!!!" Dude, racist. People around the world eat different stuff than we do. That doesn't make them barbaric.

The recent uptick of calling people out for using reclaimed words. As someone in my third decade of life, I feel really "been there, done that" about this topic, and maybe it's the new generation that's freaking out about this. We already went to battle over whether it was ok to call each other fags and dykes and sluts and fatties and trannies and queers ("we" being people in the community who have context on the issue) in the 90s, didn't we? I totally understand why some people don't want to reclaim, but I don't think that gives you the right to tell other people that their choice to use reclaimed words is inappropriate and wrong. I get this a lot around calling myself fat, or a fatty. These words literally describe a body type. They are not intrinsically hurtful unless they are used that way. I like referring to myself as curvy or thick, but I don't view these things as euphemisms for fat. I AM FAT! It's ok to call me fat, as long as it's not meant in a mean and judgmental way- I am fat like I am blonde and blue eyed. It's a physical attribute! I recently have a friend be like, "you're not fat, you're large." Yes, I am large, but how does that negate my fatness? Anyway. I'm team reclaim all the way and I will not tolerate people policing my identity because it's not what they would choose for themselves.
XOJane is running a ton of amazing content lately. I especially enjoyed the Real Girl Belly Project (though I neglected to submit in time) and Michelle Tea's series about trying to get pregnant (I love Michelle Tea because she once took me to a strip club in Hollywood called "Jumbo's Clown Room," amongst other reasons!) Some of the confessional addiction pieces on the site are a little painful for me to read, but the bottom line is this site has an amazing array of perspectives and is very queer-friendly and fat-friendly, which I am digging, and I'm excited to be writing for them.
The imminent death of Filament magazine. This makes me incredibly sad, because this British magazine, which focuses on on cultivating the female gaze and a sense of female sexual agency through intelligent journalism and erotic images that sexually objectify men, is SO necessary. And the men they photographed were legitimately hot- fey, glitter drenched, gothy dudes, etc. I will miss this magazine very much and all that it stands for, and definitely want to devote a longer piece to the female gaze.
I decided to pull my paper on the concept of Queer Heterosexuality from a conference I'm attending in March. I admitted to myself that I didn't have the time and energy to give it my all, and this is a topic that would need my all. It's something I'm very sensitive about that is viewed by an appropriative joke by a lot of people, and I'm just not willing to make make myself laughingstock/martyr in this way right now. I do want to write more about the concept of queer heterosexuality, period, in the interest of clarity for folks.
I just found out that the hymen doesn't exist. My mind is officially blown.
I'm digging the heck out of Sex Nerd Sandra's podcast, as I am also a sex nerd! Also, today is the first time I actually listened to a podcast on my ipod! I'm such a frontrunner.
Catching up on Dexter! Season 4 was incredible, Julia Stiles owned Season 5, the jury is out on Season 6.
General feminist rage. This was related to shoes last night, and kind of made me sad that I skipped Genderqueer Chicago's shoe discussion last night (but I was EXHAUSTED). Somehow I wound up on the webpage for Tieks last night, which are foldable "designer flats" meant for women who wear heels who need a break. Practical, yes, but they cost $200+. Ok, so here's the thing. Women still make less money than men in many cases. Yet, we're supposed to buy $200 ballet flats to carry in our purses because the "sexy" "professional" shoes we're supposed to wear completely fuck up our feet. (I speak as someone who has chronic, horrible pinched nerve pain as a result of wearing heels constantly for a few years). I'm sorry, but can you imagine if men were expected to go through this shit? It's supposed to be cute and fun, but we're talking about hundreds of dollars and ruined feet (and feet are fucking important). I love shoes as much as the next femmedrogyne, but...argh. I work in a bit trendy shopping neighborhood where I see 90 pound women in their fur coats, leggings as pants, and $1,000 Leboutins tottering around at 9am in the morning and all I can think is WHY. Heels are fun, but I am not wearing them to work. They are staying next to my bed, for sexytimes, when all my weight is on my back!
These are NOT the shoes you should be wearing in bed.
The Betty Beauty product line. So I recently grew out my bush and pits and have been enjoying dyeing them fun colors. The only problem is the color fades pretty fast and then I'm left with SCARY WHITE BODY HAIR. WOOOOO....ghostly!
The kink scene is like high school some times, and it's kind of exhausting. Then again, so are most scenes.
There's a bedbug outbreak in my apartment building, which is freaking me out, but I haven't caught them yet, and am trying to prevent this from happening. I am buying a mattress cover, which is also practical because I'm a squirter.
Lush owns my soul. I am really grooving on this vermillion lipgloss that tastes like white chocolate and cayenne, and this jasmine scented gold body powder. I am all about looking bronzed and glowy these days. I also just ordered some more metallic Kat Von D lipstick and a Stella gift set from Sephora, because winter is all about hiding indoors and hoarding beauty products even though I'm too tired to show off my fierceness. I don't celebrate Christmas, which means I can spend all the money I want on myself, and it's awesome.
The Skweel is unexpectedly my new favorite sex toy! It's like the sex toy equivalent of a funny looking, socially awkward person who is fantastic in bed. I will be reviewing it sooner or later...

That's all for now. What's new with you, readers?

Especially for DDD!

2011-11-25T17:21:00.001-06:00

My pink pit hair!

I have a rather modest pit bush, but it still looks awesome. I grew out my armpits for the first time in years, and decided to live it up with it a Fun Betty kit, which is designed for dyeing pubes (did those too!)

The only downside is the color wears off very quickly, but OTOH it doesn't take long to dye them once their bleached, so I can do it for special occasions, and keep my pits blonde the rest of the time

Thanksgiving Ribaldry

2011-11-25T01:47:00.001-06:00

CocoRosie wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving!

I am stoked to be one of the featured bloggers on Huffington Post's Chicago's "Chicagoans Give Thanks" slideshow yesterday. I was sad that my mayor/secret boyfriend Rahm gave a shout-out to his wife, but ignored his secret mistress, but I'll probably get a diamond apology bracelet out of it or something. (KIDDING). Even though I am currently devising my exit strategy from this city after 5+ years, there's still a lot to love.

I spent Thanksgiving alone this year, and had a minor complex about it partly because the implications of "this is a holiday about TOGETHERNESS and friends and family and I have no one to spend it with in Chicago" made me feel really sad. But once I got over that, it was one of the best Thanksgivings ever. I made exactly what I wanted to eat (a Puerto Rican style pork shoulder roast instead of turkey, acorn squash, chestnut and cajeta flan instead of pumpkin pie) and spent my day doing exactly what I wanted to do (dyeing my armpit hair hot pink, drinking rose, browsing sex toy black friday sales, and watching Dexter). I didn't actually feel lonely or sad, and I actually really appreciated having a day off to chill out, relax, and be selfish.

I am also looking forward to things being open again tomorrow so I can go to the gym (I suck at working out at home), and drink coffee at Metropolis.

Right now, I am grateful for this ancient yet brilliant SNL sketch, probably because there is an actual bootblack culture in the Leather scene in Chicago, and because Evelyn Quince is pretty much my spirit animal:

SENSUAL SMACKDOWN: Smoove me, Baby, Part Two: Lelo

2011-11-23T12:06:00.002-06:00

In Part One, we got SMOOVED by JimmyJane's luxurious Afterglow massage Candle. This time, we're taking Lelo's Flickering Touch massage oil to task!

Lelo Flickering Touch Massage Oil

Price: $38.99

Appearance: The container looks like a bottle of fancy perfume, with a black glass chamber, gold dispenser pump (fyi, it's a squirt pump, not an atomizer) and a removable colored plastic halo (the color depends on the fragrance, I bought the fresh lily and musk scent, so it was purple) that covers the dispenser when not in use. The bottle is gorgeous and discreet (though I don't know why you'd be embarrassed to have massage oil in your bathroom.)

Lelo also makes a gold plated vibrator.

Useability: The oil has a wonderful texture, very silky and light, absorbs easily into the skin, and best of all, is infused with 24 karat gold dust powder (that explains the price tag!) The gold doesn't show up on your skin like glitter, but leaves a gorgeous glow, so you won't want to wash this off post-massage. This is fairly light as massage oils go and absorbs quickly, but it's ideal if you don't want a heavy or drippy massage oil. I really love this as a special occasion lotion, since it feels heavenly and makes your skin look all glowy and beautiful.

There is only one major complaint I have with this product. I cannot perceive the scent, AT ALL, which was a major disappointment (though a benefit if you are fragrance sensitive). The scent I can smell is more of a natural oil smell, kind of like a vitamin e capsule. A friend who smelled it was convinced it was rancid, though I personally didn't think it smelled *that* bad (she's hyper scent sensitive). Although the natural oils used to make this product (apricot kernel, grapeseed, and jojoba)are all fairly shelf stable, this product doesn't have an expiration date, so it's possible that the ingredients have gone a little "off" depending on when it was made. I'd be curious to hear if other people experienced this as well.

Final Verdict: 8/10. Wonderful lightweight shimmery massage and body oil in a luxurious bottle. I wouldn't mind the high price tag if it delivered on the fragrance front as well, but unfortunately it didn't for me.

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys (all opinions expressed are my own), awesome retailer of yes, massage oils, vibrators, dildos, and other fine sex toys!

SENSUAL SMACKDOWN: Smoove me, Baby, Part One: JimmyJane

2011-11-22T13:47:00.009-06:00

Ok kiddos, the Ola post is on hold for the moment, because I am trying to get my friend who is also named Ola to review for me, and it may take a while. Or I may give up and write it myself next week. We'll see.

In the mean time, I am going to review some SEXXXY SENSUAL STUFF made by popular sex toy companies Jimmyjane and Lelo! A friend of mine had raved about the Jimmyjane massage candles, and I was also curious to try Lelo's swanktastic massage oil. So....SMACKDOWN TIME! I have even provided a sexy soundtrack to get you in the mood:

(This is pretty much the best video ever.)

So here's my shameful secret- I LOVE using massage oil as body lotion. I hate the way most commercial body lotions smell and feel, and vastly prefer using natural oils on my skin, especially in wintertime. I've been a fan of cocoa butter massage bars up until this point, but I was definitely intrigued to try some new stuff.

Jimmyjane Afterglow Massage Candle

Price: $27 each, or $57.99 for a 6-pack sampler of mini-candles.

Appearance: I had a hard time deciding on a scent, so I splurged for the sampler. The candles come in a lovely gift box with a pink ribbon, and you could easily give an individual candle as a gift, since each one is sealed in plastic. The gift box scents include Cucumber Water, Pink Lotus, Bourbon, Grapefruit, Magnolia Truffle (truffle the mushroom, not chocolate) and Dark Vanilla, a nice mix of fresh and sweet scents. These are smaller versions of the full size candles, and come in cute white ceramic burners that are tapered on one side to make the wax easy to pour. The full-size candles also come with an application brush. I imagine I reuse the burners once I use them up, as they're really nice!

Usability: You burn the candle for about 30 minutes, put out the flame and then pour the melted wax/massage oil on your skin. I like to burn the candle while I'm taking a bath, because it smells lovely as it's burning. These candles are pretty intensely scented, so I wouldn't recommend them to anyone who dislikes fragranced products. However, I love scented things as long as they don't smell artificial, and these scents are very pleasant and natural smelling. So far I have tried the magnolia truffle (which is a special edition scent and therefore a bit pricier in full size), the cucumber water and bourbon (which is the only one I don't care for, as it reminds me of fruitcake). The wax feels silky and warm going on, which is wonderful in winter. The wax is made from all natural skin-nourishing ingredients (no petroleum products or parabens), including soy wax, aloe, shea butter, vitamin e and jojoba. The texture of the melted oil is not waxy or clumpy at all, and it absorbs into the skin nicely. (The texture of the unlit candle is also much softer and oilier that traditional wax).

The oil is fairly viscous, non-drippy, and long-lasting, making it great for a massage (Jimmyjane also makes some matching white ceramic massage tools!) I have also experimented with using it as a lotion, but I would say this is probably best for wintertime or people with dry skin since it's so thick (it's great for elbows, feet and other areas that need extra attention). It takes a few minutes for the oil to absorb, and it leaves a nice sheen on the skin, so commit to spending some time with this candle as part of a relaxing ritual. These candles will leave you perfumed all over, so select your scent accordingly.

Protip: It's best to burn this candle for a short time and snuff it. I left it burning for an hour straight to generate more melted oil, and used it while it was still burning to keep the oil warm, and found that the scent was somewhat diminished, and it had more of a "burnt candle smell" when I used it this way. Nothing too terrible, but this is not a good candle to burn for a long time if you want to use it for massage oil.

Final Verdict: 9/10. The only major downside to these candles is they're pricy, but the Jimmyjane website says the full sized (4.5oz) ones can be burned up to 32 hours, which isn't bad. And this is hands down one of the most luxurious massage candles on the market.

Part Two: Lelo's Flickering Touch Massage Oil will run tomorrow!

Love letter to my fatties

2011-11-17T10:21:00.002-06:00

My second piece for XOJane went live yesterday: How To: Stand Up to Your Doctor About Fat-Shaming.

Dr. Happy is using a speculum as fat calipers!

I am proud of this piece. I am proud of standing up to my doctor when she fat shamed me and made assumptions about my lifestyle. I am also kind of glad that my next piece for them will be an inconsequential piece of style fluff, because being a health advocacy warrior is hard fucking work. I am ready to take a break from arguing with people on the internet and work on finishing my grad school applications instead (to become a health advocacy warrior with a shiny degree!)

I admit I am frustrated by the sheer number of fat shamey comments posted in reply to this piece, and the ways that people twisted my words to imply that I'm saying doctors should never ever talk to their patients about weight when it has a legitimate relationship to their health. But the whole "you are fat, therefore you are unhealthy, and any health problem you have is therefore a direct consequence of your fatness" shit has GOT TO STOP.

One awesome commenter was kind enough to remind me that it's not my job to change the minds of the people who don't get it, it's my job to offer loving encouragement and strategies for positive change for the people who have been denied compassionate health care their entire lives because of the shape of their bodies.

Keep on rockin' on, my fatty love warriors.

Is glitter bombing actually an effective means of political discourse?

2011-11-15T14:56:00.002-06:00

Ok, so a few weeks ago, I blogged about the ways that marginalized communities attack each other in ways that are seriously counter productive.

Yesterday, this article about Dan Savage's glitterbombing showed up multiple times on my feed, with comments about how he "deserved it:"

According to my source at the event, Savage was in the middle of answering a question from a student who was wondering if her boyfriend was a freak because he watched porn featuring trans women. Savage suggested that her boyfriend was a freak, while freely using the terms "shemale" and "freaky tranny porn." That is when two individuals ran up and threw glitter on him yelling "Transphobe!"

Someone from the MTV tech crew muttered "Oh, not again!" Savage laughed it off and said that being gay he loves glitter.

Later, when another student was asking him about the incident, Savage answered, "I'm used to it."

I chose to reserve judgement until I heard his side of the story, simply because I didn't buy it. There were no direct quotes, no context, and it was clearly phrased in a way to make him look like a trans hatin' villain. I get that Dan Savage says stuff that's problematic for some folks. But reading the transcript of the talk, I don't think he's legitimately transphobic. Here's what was said, from his response:

DAN: [READING FROM CARD] My boyfriend is straight but he enjoys anal sex and he asks me to make love to him in his butt all the time. [ASIDE:] You have no one to blame but yourself. [READING FROM CARD] Also, he likes watching she-male porn. Could you tell me why he is acting like this? [ANSWER:] Um, I'm gunna go out on a limb here and say it's because he likes shemale porn and he enjoys anal stimulation. He's acting like this because he's a very freaky boy. If you're into him, and you're willing to go there for him, there are a lot of straight guys who are into transexual sex-workers, transexual porn, she-males for lack of a better term, although some people think that's very offensive—

I think in the context of the actual statement, it's clear that he's gently poking fun at the questioner rather than PC shaming them right off the bat, which honestly is probably a more effective tactic for relating to someone who doesn't get why these words are considered ooky and offensive in the first place. Maybe it's not the way I would have handled it personally, but as Dan said: It was at that moment—just as I was beginning to address the problem with the term "shemale"—that I was glitterbombed. Ironic, no?

If you actually read Dan's response and still think his response was unforgivably transphobic, then you're welcome to your opinion. At least you took the time to read and consider what was actually said, rather than responding to the "my friend who was there said he said blah blah" version with "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S SO TRANSPHOBIC WTF!!!" There's an expression for this kind of behavior, and it's moral panic. I realize as a genderqueer person I'm expected to respond in horror to this incident, or suffer being labeled a transphobe, privileged, ignorant, etc. But honestly, I'd prefer to think for myself even if it puts me at risk of community alienation.

And here's the other problem with this tale: this glitter bomb didn't materialize out of thin air the second Savage said something that could be considered transphobic. Someone made a point of bringing a glitter bomb, and was looking for an excuse to use it. It would have been nice if Savage could have finished his response before the glamor terrorist attacked.

And admittedly, it's something I worry about as a blogger and sex educator who writes about a lot of touchy issues. Last weekend I taught a class on G-Spot orgasms. I am genderqueer, and there was another genderqueer person in the class, but the majority of folks there were cis. I gave a disclaimer at the beginning of the class saying "In this class, I am going to use what might be considered ciscentric language to describe the genitals belonging to people born with XX chromosomes, in the interest of clarity. I want to make it clear that is not intended to be transphobic in any way." I realize that for me describing a vagina as "female genitals" in a 15-person class is less of a hot button issue than Dan Savage repeating a derogatory term in front of a packed auditorium. However, if someone left that class and blogged that I taught my class in a "transphobic" way without contextualizing it, I'd be pretty upset. Talking about sensitive issues is complicated enough without dumping glitter and flinging accusations in the process.

So here's a few things to chew on:

1. Straight male fetishization/objectification of transwomen and the language that accompanies it is kind of gross and problematic in general.(It doesn't surprise me that the majority of transwomen I know are lesbian identified). You could argue that Dan has a responsibility to comment on how problematic this is, but again- he was glitter bombed right as he was touching on that. Moreover, I believe he was trying to contextualize her boyfriend's interests as non-heteronormative but still straight (which is what I think he meant by saying "freaky") when she asks why he's into these particular things.

2. Reclaimed language is a hot button issue. Not to make light of these discussions, but let's call these raging debates "Voldemort syndrome." For those of you who have read the Harry Potter books, you'll recall that it's a big fucking deal that HP will say Voldemort's name out loud, because he's associated with a lot of horrible, painful shit. Voldemort's name, in essence, is a trigger for people who have been oppressed by him in the past. Replace any derogatory slur for Voldemort, and you see where I'm getting at here. Voldemort killed HP's parents, but Harry is the only one who is not afraid to say his name out loud, and he is ultimately the only one who can defeat him.

Savage Love early adopters might remember that Dan Savage has been pushing people's buttons around reclaimed words for TWENTY YEARS now:

When I started writing this column in 1991, there was a debate raging in hellish homosexual circles about words like faggot. The idea was that if we used these words ourselves — Queer Nation, Dyke March, "Hey, Faggot" — straights couldn't use them as hate words anymore. I chose "Hey, Faggot" as my salutation in joking reference to this lively debate about reclaiming hate words.

Letters to his column opened with the salutation "Hey Faggot!" until 1999, at which point he retired it because "it feels strange to begin every column with a joke about a debate that ended years ago." Except the debate clearly isn't over, it's just that the new generation of debaters were probably still in diapers during the "Hey Faggot" era.

In his response to the glitter bombing, Dan links to an interesting discussion of the T-word on Mike Signorile's website. While the majority of the respondents reply that the word is unreclaimable, Kate Bornstein bucks the trend:

Until you add T to your name, please stop telling me and my people how to perform femininity or masculinity...Through their no doubt kind intentions, GL(noT)AAD acts like protective parents. They believe they have the right to speak for all transgender people. Their nonconsensual parenting reifies the notion that we are as weak and as defenseless as the tranny characters in the film.

Dan Savage and Kate Bornstein are the Harry Potters of the Gay and Trans movements, and they're going to take a lot of flack as a result. As a mainstream organization GLAAD has to take a hard stance against reclaimed speech in order to gain mainstream acceptance, whereas Kate B. has the freedom to be a radical- she always has always been. I used to be in a long term relationship with a transwoman who referred to herself as a "tranny," and I never felt like it was my place to say OMG STOP REFERRING TO YOURSELF WITH HATE SPEECH.

My point is that Dan Savage has never been afraid of discussing hate speech in a frank and open way that makes people seriously uncomfortable. I don't think that openly discussing and even reclaiming these words is tantamount to homophobia or transphobia. The pink triangle is pretty much gay passe these days, but it's useful to remember that it was the symbol that Nazis used to distinguish their gay prisoners. There is power in reclamation and remembrance.

Hate the shit out of Dan Savage all you want. I personally think that anyone who is good at what they do (and he has done a ton of important activism around gay rights and mainstream acceptance and awareness of gay issues, for all his flaws) is going to also face a fair amount of controversy. Hate what you hate, and leave the rest. But respond to the reality, and not the surrounding panic.

I am not your black leather barbie doll.

2011-11-09T11:04:00.003-06:00

Eden Cafe just published an article I wrote about how being a female dominant in a non professional context can feel ironically degrading. Check it out here.

This article is a pretty accurate reflection of my current frustrations with the "scene." Like any subculture there's power plays, politics, and drama. And there's also a lot of misogyny, double standards, perpetuation of rape culture, heteronormativity and patriarchy (no I am not talking about people who do consensual non-consent or male master female slave relationships- I mean the ways people think about and perform kink), and the way abuse and sexism are absolutely taboo to talk about. Reading blogs by MayMay and Kitty Stryker have been helpful in this regard, like finally getting to exhale as they call out some of the very real ways that the worst parts of mainstream life are perpetuated in our subculture. I am powerfluid, genderqueer, and heteroqueer, and I just find myself hitting my head against a wall in terms of the limiting expectations I encounter in a space that is supposed to be liberating and empowering, and often isn't for me.

I am excited that I will be teaching a workshop and hosting a party this coming weekend, but the sheer amount of crap I had to wade through to make things happen makes me less enthusiastic about giving more of my energy in future. At this point I think I am more interested in fostering one on one relationships with kinksters OUTSIDE of the scene and sparing myself the headache, and see if the people I genuinely like and care for are willing to take the effort to interact with me outside the scene. (I find when I leave subcultures...I usually leave alone.) I need a break, at any rate. There is only so long I can bite my tongue.

Sex Toy Smackdown #3: Purple G, Part One

2011-11-08T11:00:00.002-06:00

Welcome to Part One of November's Sex Toy Smackdown. In this installment, I will be comparing two high-end toys that have three major things in common: they're purple, they vibrate, and they're designed specifically for G-spot stimulation. Part One will examine Jopen's grape-a-licious Vanity VR9, Part Two will tackle the much talked about Minna Ola, which comes in TWO SHADES OF PURPLE! Oooh la la!

Prince's suit is the exact color of Jopen's Vanity VR9. Coincidence?!

There were two main reasons I wanted to try Jopen's Vanity VR9. First of all, it reminded me of Prince, with its purple color and the fact that it has "Vanity" in the name. (There actually is a Vanity 6 model, like Prince's girl group but I was less interested in trying that one, since I'm not a huge fan of rabbit vibes.) The other factor is as the queen of G-spot lovin, I've been wanting to try more g-spot vibrators (I've used JimmyJane's Form 4 for this in the past.) The Vanity VR9 one seemed like a great toy to compare with Minna's Ola, which I've also been wanting to try.

Retail price: $146ish

Specs: 9.75" long, 3.5" circumference, 1.175" diameter (depends on which part), about .5lbs

Appearance:
This is a long, flexible, curved, double headed and insertable vibrator in a cornea searing shade of magenta! A friend described it as looking like "A pattern you might see in 1960's textiles" and that's not too far off. One end is thick and bulbous with a gentle G-spot curve, the other end is more flexible, with a small knob for pin-point stimulation. Both ends vibrate, there are two buttons at center to control either end. Press down on the button to turn it on, hold down to increase intensity, press again to turn it off. You can "lock" the toy by pressing both buttons simultaneously. The toy is made of soft matte silicone, so it's easy to clean and doesn't pick up lint or dust. There is a tiny hole in the base for charging from a wall socket, it's fully charged in 4 hours, not sure how many hours of use its good for, but I have no complaints thus far. (I am starting to wish there was a universal charger for sex toys, since I'm having a hard time keeping my Jopen charger straight from my Lelo and Jimmy Jane ones). The Vanity V9 is not exactly discreet looking, but it's definitely a fun and "arty" looking toy, which I like!

Special features:
Comes with a pouch for storage. Waterproof. One year warranty (you can purchase a longer warranty as well.)

Orgasmic Factor:
I have come to the conclusion that I really prefer hard toys (steel, glass, etc.) for G spot stimulation, so I had to use this one a few times to get into the groove of using a softer toy for G spot stimulation. The smaller end gives a more intense g-spot sensation, but is so thin that I actually prefer it for clitoral stimulation. (For the record, these more diffuse toys never seem to work to get me off clitorally- I need my hitachi or silver bullet).I preferred the bigger end, it has a nice girth, stays in place nicely when inserted and is great for doing kegels. The flexible shaft/skinny end and position of the on/off buttons means it can be kind of tricky to use this toy for rhythmic penetration, but feels great for G-spotting once you get the hang of it. Also, even though it has two separate motors, you can feel the vibration all the way to the other end if one side is turned on, so if you are annoyed by gripping a buzzy toy, this could be an issue. I could see this working as a vaginal insertable during anal sex. I am not sure if this is something that should be used anally- it's quite long, but doesn't have a flared base, so use your own judgement in this regard.

This toy is great for getting down down in the tub or shower, as it's waterproof. (Semi-related rant: silicone lubes are best for use underwater, but you can't use silicone lubes with silicone toys, and I imagine putting a condom on this for underwater use might be incredibly cumbersome. If anyone has any tips for this, please let me know.)

My main complaint about this toy are the power buttons- it turns on/off too easily, and I may just keep it in lock mode when not in use. I accidentally turned it on with my butt when it was lying on my bed, and I've repeatedly accidentally turned it off or on while using it because the buttons are so touch sensitive and located on the same part of the toy you grip for thrusting. It used to annoy me that my JimmyJane was so cumbersome to turn off, but I'm starting to realize that's actually an advantage!

Overall Grade: 8/10
There are a few minor design flaws, but still totally awesome!

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys, awesome retailer of vibrators, dildos, and other fine sex toys!

How real are our online friendships?

2011-11-07T14:28:00.000-06:00

This is me with my "online friend" R. We've hung out in person once. She's one of my favorite people.

A few weeks ago, I went to post something on my friend's facebook wall, and noticed we were no longer friends. My brain immediately went to the OMG I'VE BEEN PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY FRIEND DUMPED, felt like shit, and wondered what was up. I sent them a message along the lines of "did I do something wrong?" feeling vaguely pathetic. To which they replied "Sorry, my account got deleted by facebook and it limits the number of people I can re-add per day. Send me a friend request!"

DER.

So yes, I wigged out over something that turned out to be a technical difficulty. Before you dismiss me as being an juvenile drama queen, I'd like to point out that a former friend of mine once used this tactic with me. She was an epic gossip hound, and when I refused to participate in trash talking a close friend over some perceived slight, I discovered I had be quietly defriended after three years of in-person friendship- and she was someone I spent time with in meatspace on a regular basis. I was not the first nor the last person she friend dumped this way, either. If she expected me to confront her about it, she was disappointed- by that point she had proved to me she was not worth my time.

Social media is a hot topic these days, with angst a-plenty. Facebook allows us to stay in touch with everyone we've ever met ever, exploit them as a marketing demographic for out latest novel/record/blog, rediscover long lost friends only to realize we have nothing in common with them anymore, and keep in touch with people we love who are too damn far away.

I am going to take a number of unpopular stances in this post. #1: I like Facebook, although it is definitely not without its flaws. #2: I think our online relationships are real-er than we want to admit they are. #3: I think online interaction is more important than we want to admit it is. #4: I refuse to give up my Livejournal account, and miss the golden days of LJ because Facebook simply can't replace the role LJ had/has in my life.

Topic #1: I like Facebook, even though it sucks sometimes.
How do I love Facebook? Let me count the ways. 1. It's how I get my news. Sorry. 2. I have an office job where I have to sit in front of a computer all day in an isolate cubicle. FB keeps me from feeling horribly alone/deathly bored. 3. Fun stuff that people post. I enjoy consuming media curated by my friends. 4. It helps me maintain existing friendships, and foster new friendships. Say I meet someone new at a party, and think they're cool enough to add as a facebook friend. This is an easy way to kind of get to know them better, and possibly facilitate a closer friendship in a very low maintenance kind of way. 5. It's way easier to create an event or promote my writing through Facebook than email.

Yes, there's a lot about Facebook that sucks. I hate the endless re-designs, privacy issues, data mining and so forth. And I hate the awkwardness around being facebook friends with someone you're dating. I have a fakebook wife to spare myself the drama around changing relationship statuses. And then there are the "lurkers"- the (in my case) women who leave flirtatious or inappropriate comments on the wall of the person you are dating, often exes or possessive friends, sometimes for the express purpose of attempting to sabotage your relationship. And then there's the temptation to snoop on exes, which NEVER ends well. Facebook is like a petri dish for drama in certain ways. Facebook allegedly plays a role in about 20% of divorces these days. This is not always a bad thing- I know someone who found out her husband was cheating via Facebook. But when Facebook is used to intentionally breed jealousy and suspicion, well, that's just creepy.

For the record- I don't friend anyone I'd need to "hide things" from (ie a boss or a relative), as I enjoy being openly queer and kinky. And I promptly defriend people who feel compelled to stir up drama about religious or political issues. No thank you. Also- the hide button is your friend. Learn how to use it.

#2: Online friendships are real, even if they're different.
I would say that the majority of close friendships I've made in the past ten years were either directly or indirectly brought about by the internet. I have met countless friends through Livejournal. (Facebook less so, I tend only to add people I've met in real life there). Of course, a lot of folks dropped Livejournal when Facebook made it big, so my reading audience there (and I keep my LJ very private) has shrunk considerably. I don't mind, though, it's like a tiny private club with cool regulars who I can be absolutely honest with.

There are a handful of friends in my life who are people I've met through Livejournal, and hung out with in person only once, but they're people I love like crazy, and I know I'd hang out with them constantly if we lived near each other. After reading the details of their lives for years, meeting them in person was absolutely comfortable and natural. When traveling, I've always made a point to meet up with LJ friends in different places. Almost all of my best friends that I made while living in Japan I found through LJ. These days I don't really find myself meeting new people through LJ, because I'm not adding new people much- like I said, the site is very quiet these days (though supposedly very popular in Russia). But I simply cannot say that the "online" friends I met on LJ are not "real" friends. These people matter to me, and I am blessed to have met them!

I don't even have to begin with how much easier sex and dating has become with the advent of dating and hookup sites. I actually liked online dating better before it was trendy, though, because back then boring vanilla people were scared to use it, so I mostly met interesting, offbeat people through OKCupid because the site wasn't so flooded with idiots. Not so much anymore.

#3: I think online interaction is more important than we want to admit it is.
Admittedly, it is easy to misinterpret things that are said online, without the benefit of face to face interaction, body language, inflection, etc. But it's easy to misinterpret things we say in person as well. I actually don't think it's cowardly to initially break up with someone over email, because I am generally more eloquent and assertive in writing, and I also think it's better to put issues out in the open in a semi-detached way so that both parties can process it and allow emotions to cool before talking in person. While I think it's important to take online interaction with a grain of salt, I absolutely don't buy the idea that if it happens on the internet it's not "real." Again, Facebook plays a role in 20% of divorces. I think that's pretty damn real.

#4: I refuse to give up my Livejournal.
I think I pretty much covered why in #2. I also like to have a detailed journal of my life that I can use to reflect on the past (I've had my LJ since 2003, and had 2 diaryland blogs prior to that, so my entire 20s are exceedingly well documented). And I like the way I relate to people on LJ on a deeper level. I never want to give that up.

Incredibly meta phone pic of me writing this blog post.

Big Boobs, Genderqueer and BCAM

2011-11-02T10:27:00.000-05:00

I am cutting back on posting for a bit because I'm working on grad school apps. Yay!

However, Eden Cafe just ran a rather rambling article by me on the last day of Breast Cancer Awareness month. Basically, I talk about how my boobs have become this really confusing part of my identity in a love-hate kind of way, and how while I wouldn't have a reduction, if I had to undergo a mastectomy (hopefully I never will), I'd probably just transition to male. Yes, really. Enjoy!

On the prowl...My XOJane debut!

2011-10-26T14:58:00.000-05:00

My essay about becoming a cougar for the summer is on the front page of XOJane today! Check it out!

Sex Toy Solo Smackdown: Popsicles, Icicles

2011-10-26T08:00:00.001-05:00

First off, listen to this song while you read this review because it's fucking awesome:

Can you believe that Pipedream's "Icicles No. 17" is my first ever glass toy, and that it took Brazilian Maik suggesting I get something in glass? I've come to realize that I like hard toys best for G spot stimulation, and after some research (i.e. reading a review that compared this one to the Pure Wand) I decided to go with Icicles 17. And I am so glad I did!

There's a lot to love about this toy. First off, it's affordable: $45.99 (and 20% off if you buy it on Eden's before 10/28!) I would really recommend this to folks considering the Pure Wand who want to try a similar toy before making the big investment, or as a less expensive toy with a similar feel. It is not entirely identical, but the smooth, rounded head and G spot curve does create a sensation that is not unlike the Pure Wand, and might make you squirt if you apply firm pressure!. This toy is fantastic for G and A spot stimulation (Also nice for rubbing on your clit, and would probably work well for anal too, as it has a flared base.) Moreover, this toy is simply beautiful, and not as "head shoppy" looking as some glass toys. The 8.5" glass shaft (did I mention I like longer toys?) is deep indigo blue, and the 1 5/8" diameter ball-shaped head is clear, with a blown glass buttercup at its center. Really simple but pretty toy, and would make a nice coffee table ornament to boot. Glass is a really nice material for a toy, because it is hard and smooth, but lighter than steel (for those of you who find steel toys too weighty). It also retains heat and cold nicely, so you can stick it in the freezer and make a twatsicle (oh, the Murmaids would be so horrified)! If you like #17, there are 23 other Icicles styles, that are all very affordable!

This post was sponsored by EdenFantasys, awesome retailer of vibrators, dildos, and other fine sex toys!

Sex Toy World Cup Round Three: Russia Vs. France (Part Two)

2011-10-23T11:09:00.005-05:00

Yesterday, Russia did its thang with the Split Dildo. Now it's time for France to step up its game in the Sex Toy World Cup!

Team France: Wet For Her's "Two"
Retail Price: $39

Specs: Matte silicone. Available in white, light pink, fuchsia or black. 5.5" long, 1.5" wide, finger well is 3" deep.

Photo by Brazilian Maik

Appearance: Muppet fingers! Go team! Ok, this rivals the pink banana vibrator for sheer ridiculousness of appearance. This toy was allegedly designed by a pair of French lesbians who wanted a penetrative in design but didn't resemble a cock, but rather fingers, so it's basically digital sex on steroids. The "Two" is partly hollow so you can insert your fingers (kind of like a cock extender for your hand), and it kind of suctions on, so it stays firm regardless of the size of your fingers. I would not recommend these for anal play because they don't have a flared base (or an "ass eating preventative" as one reviewer once put it.)

Special Features: A perfect marriage between fingering and dildoing!

Orgasmic Factor: My platonic male lesbian lover Brazilian Maik and I hang out at the Chicago Pleasure Chest store a fair amount (partly because the staff are awesome and give me eye makeup tips)and we became enchanted with this bizarre toy. A staffer claimed it was awesome (she knew someone who had used it as just a dildo without inserting her fingers), and Maik finally gave in and got it for me as a birthday present! It has since been nicknamed "Fingarz" or the "French Lezbian Fuck Fingarz" just because "Two" is much too understated a moniker for such a ludricrous toy.

This is ok as a solo toy- you kind of have to crank your hand to use it with your own fingers inserted, which is not ideal. However, I discovered that a bullet vibe easily fits in the finger well, and you can use it like a regular vibrating dildo this way. It's uniquely shaped and feels nice on the G and A spots, as well as the clit.

However, where this toy really shines is in partner play. The finger sheath is thin enough that you can actually feel you partner's vag squeezing you as you fuck them! So you have more length and girth than with normal fingering, yet you're still in tune with their body in a way that is more difficult than with using a dildo with your hand or a harness. So I think this really does excel as a toy for anyone who enjoys fingering women, or people who want a penetrative toy that doesn't look like a penis. As ridiculous as they look, it really is a neat ideas that is versatile and works well!

Overall Grade: 8.5/10

FINAL VERDICT:
Team France emerges victorious! Both of these toys are great in concept, but "Two" simply delivers better on the idea, and is easier on the wallet.

I'm not sure who will compete in the next round- I got a new dildo from German Fun Factory, purchased a Japanese Tenga Fliphole for Brazilian Maik's birthday, A Swedish Lelo cock ring, and my friend Amy said I could borrow her German Mae B. vibrator, so we shall see...

Stuff I've loved reading recently

2011-10-21T12:17:00.000-05:00

This post is long overdue. Here's a roundup of some stuff I've really enjoyed reading lately.

First off, shameless plug: check out my Guide to having fuckbuddies for straight women on the Huffington Post. It got picked up by the Style vertical, and is doing a pretty good job of horrifying the Hoi Polloi.

"iGive Up: Even in death Steven Jobs provides distraction" on SFS sister blog Sex Or Television: "In the span of one week, we saw the deaths of two civil rights pioneers, one of whom defined the modern gay rights movement, and the other a cornerstone of the last century's fight for racial equality. In that same week, a former CEO of a tech company died. Two gave hope and voice to millions. The other marketed shiny tech toys." YES!

Here's a great piece by Mo about being genderqueer AND fat on Original Plumbing. I can relate.

Everything Kitty Stryker writes for Good Vibes Magazine is fucking amazing. Especially this piece that intelligently iterates why it's damn hard to be a female dominant sometimes.

There's lots more, but that's probably enough for now.

Sex Toy World Cup Round Three: Russia Vs. France (Part One)

2011-10-21T10:56:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Round One of School for Scandal's Sex Toy World Cup, a part of the Sex Toy Smackdown Series, which compares two toys to see which emerges victorious. For this series I am pairing similar toys (in function, price range, etc.) from different countries in a battle to get me off!

Photo by Daniel Butler

Round three brings us a pair of eccentric, rare and exotic toys: Stimulative Innovation's "SplitDildo" from Russia (and it LITERALLY comes in a box from Russia, with love, no US retailers carry it yet to my knowledge) and Wet For Her's "Our Way Two," which was allegedly designed by French lesbians in Paris, though the company is now based in the US. Wet For Her products are a little bit tricky to find- half of their models out of stock on their own site, and not many retailers carry them. (I received mine as a birthday gift, and my friend purchased it from the Chicago Pleasure Chest store.)

The funny things about these two toys is they have almost identical dimensions, but are very different in design. Both of these toys are bubblegum pink (although available in other colors) and unlike any other toys on the market, which is probably why they are a bit hard to find. As an intrepid sex toy tester, I am here to try them and report!

Team Russia: The SplitDildo
Retail Price: $49.95

Specs: Matte silicone. Available in Pink, and Blue (they used to have other colors on the site, but not anymore). 5.5" long, the solid part is 1.5" wide, the split is 4" at its widest point.

Photo by Daniel Butler

Appearance: This dildo looks like a pair of bunny ears! It has a flared base (though I wouldn't advise using it for strap-on play), about an inch of solid dildo, and then it splits into two curved "stems." You press the stems together to insert it, and they spread internally, putting pressure on the top and back walls of the vagina. It can be used sideways too, though I don't think that would be as pleasurable. Not recommended for anal use, since I'm not sure if would be safe to anally dilate yourself 4".

Special Features: Simultaneous A-spot and P-spot stimulation.

Orgasmic Factor: My friend Sunny recommended this as her favorite A-spot toy, so I took the plunge and ordered one online. A few weeks later, it came in a mysterious box covered in Russian writing!!! (Insert "In Soviet Russian, you make sex toy come!" joke here.) It doesn't come with a way to store it, which is not actually something that I care about, but I know some folks like it when toys come with a nice pouch or box.

When inserted, the toy does create some interesting internal pressure. To be honest, I didn't enjoy the downward pressure so much, I would have preferred a "half split" so to speak. My main complaint about this toy is that at 5.5" it's not long enough- when you move it in and out, it has a tendency to pop out, and it's a pain to put back in. The website says it's a bit longer than my measurements (6.25" IIRC) so it's possible that they've changed the design a bit. But I think this would need to be at least 7" with at least 2" of solid dildo to be good for solo play- there's not enough to hold onto and keep it anchored. I tried using it with a partner to see if that improved things, but she had the exact same problems with it. It's a shame because it's otherwise a great idea for a toy, and the G and A spot pressure is quite nice. I think it's a unique concept, but they would benefit from a slight redesign (making it longer) and more stateside distribution.
Overall Grade: 6.5/10.

Stay tuned for part two: FRANCE!

Reality check yourself.

2011-10-18T13:52:00.003-05:00

Ok, today I want to talk about some shit that I think about a lot, but is hard to discuss in a sane fashion.

I'm talking about the way that people in feminist/queer/other marginalized communities constantly assume the worst of each other, attempt to "educate" each other in ways that are at times petty, condescending and inappropriate, and even verbally ATTACK each other over words and ideas they can't see eye to eye on.

If you participate in these communities, you probably know what I'm talking about.

Look, we all have stuff we're sensitive about. We all have words and ideas we think are important, or aggregiously offensive. That's our individual baggage, and not a community standard. We're all really burnt out by being treated like shit. We have a party line, sort of, that we are expected to adhere to, but line that is constantly shifting. For example: when I worked for my college's queer resource center in 2000, the emphasis was on legalizing gay marriage. I went to Japan for a year, came back, and all of the sudden we weren't fighting for gay marriage, we were were fighting to eliminate marriage as an institution. Who decides how we are supposed to think, as a community? And what happens when we don't think that way?

Confession: I don't read a lot of hardcore feminist blogs, because frankly, they exhaust me and frustrate me and tear at the fabric of my soul. I am treated like shit and marginalized by society all day long, but there's no respite in my communities either, just infighting. I pretty much quit reading Jezebel when I had someone tell me I am "appropriating black women's sexuality" for being a white woman with a big ass. I am not kidding.

So here's my theory. We have all this fucking baggage, and all these unique experiences and opinions and triggers. Yet, we're all supposed to kind of conform to a somewhat standard set of ideas of what it's ok to talk about and how to say it, when these ideas are actually kind of amorphous and wildly subjective. Reclaimed words are a perfect example of this- for some people identifying as a dyke, fag, tranny, slut may be an integral part of their identity. Other people may feel these words are unreclaimable hate speech. So who is right? If my identity offends you, should I change it to make you comfortable? Now think about the bigger picture: If my non-conformist identity is offensive mainstream society, should I change it to make people more comfortable? Which is more important at the end of the day- the need for personal truth, or the need to placate the offended?

Extreme political correctness can feel like moral panic. We rally against policy brutality and totalitarian brainwashing, then find ways to perpetuate it in our own communities.There's suffocating pressure to conform, to be sensitive to everyone's needs when it's not always clear what these needs are. Sometimes it feels like you are walking on eggshells, never good enough, you are always offensive because no matter how hard you try, people are looking for something to feel offended by.

I can think of several instances where my art and writing or another person's art or writing came under attack because someone projected their bullshit onto it without letting the artist have their say. A friend changed the photo on her album cover because an acquaintance decided it was racist (her face was painted silver, her partner's was painted pure black, but it was NOT "blackface" in a racist sense). She scrapped her art because someone deemed it offensive, when the art had nothing to do with that person's baggage in reality. A butch friend was attacked as "transphobic" for blogging about her sense of isolation in remaining butch as transitioning became the dominant trend. I was verbally assaulted by a white man, accused of being "racist" and "appropriating culture" when I performed a burlesque piece where I stripped out of many layers of a kimono, after formally studying kimono in Japan. My Japanese friends didn't have a problem with this, but he told me my performance was offensive to people of color. This was his opinion, as a white man, the white knight of oppressed peoples. He couldn't stop belittling me long enough to let me speak, explain, provide context. He left me crying, half-naked and humiliated on the street. What did he achieve by "educating" me, objectifying me as a racist without letting me speak? I am still angry about this, 6 years later.

Our communities have become these suffocating little microcosms of oppression and enforced conformity. I am all about fair and reciprocal discussions and education, but this holier than thou privilege-checking, "I'm more oppressed that you" dialogues, being told I am offensive when the accuser won't engage me in non-hostile discussion, refusal to view things as nuanced or contextual, or and telling me I am a BAAAAD queer/feminist because I REFUSE TO CONFORM TO THE PARTY LINE bullshit has GOT TO STOP or I am picking up my toys and going home. I am not interested in you policing my speech/art/thoughts because of your need for power and control. I am not cool with you labeling me a bad person as you project your triggers and baggage onto me without making any attempt to SEE ME as a human, your ally and your peer. It's ok that you have triggers and baggage, we all do, but OWN YOUR SHIT. If I'm doing something that bothers you, politely explain it, but also give me a chance to say my side. And accept that I may not agree with you, and I may not conform to what you think is right, and that doesn't make me a villain.

So enough ranting, THIS is why I think this bullshit happens:

1. When you feel systematically disempowered, the need to regain some sense of power and control becomes very strong. If you are denied power in your macrocosm, you wind up acting out in your microcosm, essentially perpetuating a cycle of abuse.

2. Most of us put up with ignorant, offensive, crazymaking bullshit all day long at our jobs, with our families, the media, etc. and a lot of the time, it's not safe to talk back even when horrible and legitimately offensive shit happens. So we go to our communities where we CAN safely talk back, and then we take our anger out on our peers, blaming, shaming, and policing them, because they understand our issues in a way mainstream society can't. But wait, what? I get it- we're burnt out, we're scared, we're constantly on guard, we have the PTSD of a million little papercuts and a few real fucking big knife wounds. We are all scared of being hurt and judged to the point that we start to expect it, and seek it out in places it doesn't exist. But look-we CANNOT keep alienating our peers and allies this way. Maybe some person has a different perspective than you, or they lack education about why something might be hurtful, or they have their own damn baggage. It doesn't make them wrong, or a bad person. Talk about it like an empowered individual, not a victim.

2. There is no gold standard for what is and isn't okay, because everything is subjective and contextual. You may expect a certain type of behavior that's not a part of someone else's personal or cultural lexicon. So if you tell someone they're not okay based on your personal experiences/baggage about something, you're ignoring their personal context and needs. That is a form of oppression.

3. NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE 100% INCLUSIVE OR PERFECT ALL OF THE TIME, THAT DOESN'T NECESSARILY MEAN ITS BASED IN HATE. Lee Harrington once wrote a blog post about a male masturbation workshop taught by a cisman, and some transmen got offended because the techniques taught were not workable for transcocks. It was not the presenters intent to alienate anyone, but he was there to teach a workshop for people with ciscocks, and didn't have the time/resources/qualifications to modify the workshop to work well for men with transcocks. That does not make him intrinsically transphobic. Aaaaand of course a bunch of people got pissy at Lee (who is a transman) for defending the presenter.

5. Sometimes there's just a lack of perfect language, sometimes there's a lack of perfect education, sometimes we can't fucking keep up with what's de riguer, sometimes we make human errors. So let's not get hostile about it, and let's not assume the worst of people.

I am tired of trying not to offend people, because it's a losing game. Folks, please: stop taking yourself so seriously. Stop trying to be perfect, and stop expecting perfection from others. Be kind to yourself and others. Stand up to REAL bigotry and the big problems, and don't waste your time with judgemental nitpicking. Stop obsessing about the dirty cracks in the pavement and stare into the infinite space and beauty that is the sky. Actually LISTEN to what other people have to say, and understand that your way is not the only way. Love and support the people who are playing on your team, instead of hurting and alienating them by projecting your ideas of how they "should" behave onto their lives and identities. Foster positive change and laugh and love and enjoy each other. Quit wallowing in pain and anger and festering negativity and do something that makes you feel good. Throw a party for a good cause, and fill your heart with fun and passion, take your power back in a way that doesn't involve judging and oppressing other. Focus on WHAT IS GOOD, recognize that it is PRIVILEGE to be surrounded by people who understand you and care about you just the way you are. It is a privilege be able to talk about life and identities in such nuanced, complex and postmodern terms and have other people GET IT. Be a shining light of growth and hope, be a brave love warrior for yourself, for others, instead of a perpetual pain in the ass.

That's real talk.

Sex Toy Solo Smackdown: Throe me to the wolves!

2011-10-13T10:45:00.002-05:00

I promise that I am working on another INCREDIBLY AWESOME Sex Toy World Cup piece, but I was totally blitzed by going to that conference last week, so it's not ready yet. However, as an unrepentant toy addict, I seem to acquire stuff faster than I can review it sometimes, so I figured I'd play catch-up this week!

THIS WEEK'S PRODUCT: The Liberator Fascinator Posh Throe, in Black.

I was initially dubious of Liberator's series of sex "throes." Was it just an $85 glorified cum rag? Moreover, the spelling of "throe" annoys me (as well as some ooky copywriting I once read that described the product as "slurping up" sex juices. Ewwww.) Yes, my fussy editor side is showing.

The epitome of luxury, or an $85 glorified cum rag?

Nevertheless, for those of us who like, um, "squishy" sex, protecting bedding and mattresses can be a bitch, and rubber sheets creep me out. I was over a playmate's house who had one of these throes and just threw (throed?) it on the floor for party time, and it worked pretty well, so I was willing to give it a chance.

I ordered Posh Fascinator Throe in black (shown above) from EdenFantasys a few weeks ago. It's a decent size (60" x 54"), though not really big enough to pass as a comforter, so I tend to fold it up when not in use rather than keeping it on the bed. I am not really crazy about the material- the flocked part is a bit chintzy and picks up lint like a magnet, which looks terrible on black fabric- I would suggest ordering the leopard one to camouflauge anything the fuzzy side "picks up." The satin layer has a bit of a crunchy synthetic feel to it, and the two layers are not quilted together, which means the blanket tends to shift and bunch up a fair amount when in use. Annoying. I've pretty much stopped trying to use it to protect the sheets on my bed, because it lacks the traction to stay put for very long. I am going to attempt to tack the layers together on my sewing machine in the hopes that this will resolve this issue. Another problem- it's not actually waterproof. It is possible to soak through it if you're a heavy squirter, which kind of defeats the purpose of the blanket.

However- there is one thing that this blanky is really great for, and that's playing away from home (like I said, it worked great on my friend's carpet). I hang out at my neighborhood dungeon a fair bit, and it's nice to have a portable blanket to put on surfaces before sitting down/sexy play. And the best part is you can wipe your hands on it too, since it's pretty much just going to be thrown in the wash afterwards (and it's small enough that it's not a hassle to wash).

So I think this is actually a pretty great product in concept, and it does have some practical applications, but I don't feel like it's a great value for the money, and I think the design could be improved somewhat. For $85 I'd like nicer quality or at least WATERPROOF fabric (esp. on the fuzzy side), thicker layers that are stitched together so they don't bunch up, and better traction- the satin looks pretty, but it tends to slip and slide a lot. Hell, if they designed a fitted waterproof sheet based on this concept that would STAY PUT, I would happily pay the extra money for it. But I don't know if I can put my 100% endorsement behind this product as it stands. (That said- this product has a 5-star review on EdenFantasys, so a lot of people clearly do love it and think it's worth the money.)

BTW: Eden Cafe recently ran a piece I wrote about sex toy shopping angst, check it out!

36 Hours in Phoenix: Moral Panics of Sexuality Conference Recap!

2011-10-12T15:45:00.004-05:00

Miss Kenna's menstrual panic social experiment at an Arizona mall!

I got back from the Moral Panics of Sexuality Conference at Arizona State University on Saturday, which means I have time to blog again, take a yoga class, tackle a pile of grad school apps, and work on paid writing work. (YAY). I will hopefully be publishing my paper somewhere soon, so I'll keep y'all posted on that. Anyway, here's a play by play of the conference:

Thurs, Oct. 6th

7pm: Arrive in Phoenix. Drink read wine and finish Pamela Des Barres' classic groupie memoir I'm with the band on the plane (best airplane book ever?)

9pm: Arrive at the Sheraton. Lounge in hotel jacuzzi until gang of frat boys show up and I am suddenly not comfortable anymore. Pass out in comfy hotel bed.

Fri, Oct. 7th

7am: Get dressed in what I've deemed "slutty academic" attire: understated but form fitting black dress with cleavage peephole, red lipstick, and what I call my "orthopedic stripper sandals." Consume yummy hotel breakfast with copious coffee and bacon.

8am: Shuttle to conference. I meet a presenter who also lived in Kyoto (I lived there for 3 years) and apparently had a way more awesome, arty, and queercentric experience there than I did. Sigh.

8:30am: Register for conference, drink more coffee.

9:00am: Keynote lecture by Dr. Deborah Tolman of the Graduate Center of CUNY: "'Prostitots, Gyrating Tweens and Teenage Sluts, Oh My!': Navigating the Moral Panic of the Sexualization of Girls." Presents some interesting points about how the "teen pregnancy epidemic" never happened (ie there was never an actual increase in teen pregnancies, it was just marketed that way), the freak-out around urban legend-style "rainbow parties," which she dubbed "bullshit," and the "Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls," which she helped compile. She presented her organization SPARK (Sexualization Protest: Action Resistance and Knowledge) which involves young women and girls in fighting the sexualization of girls, and apparently Michelle Obama and the Girl Scouts won't touch it with a ten foot pole because it has "sex" in the name. Yikes.

10:00am: Media Panics Session. The presenter on Larry Clark's "Teen Lust" is awol, too bad. First paper tackles Ang Lee's "Lust Caution," best line: "The way to a woman's heart is through her vagina." YOW. Second paper discusses the moral discourse of Glee, as a Gleek I am all over this shit. Is Santana an archetypically racist depiction of a promiscuous woman of color (nevermind that Brittany is depicted as equally sexually voracious in Season 1, more about her later) or is it all just a front for her suppressed lesbianism? Inquiring minds want to know.

11:00 Media panel wraps up early, so I head over to Menstrual Panics undergrad student presentation panel. A very brave girl named Kenna is presenting her menstrual panic social experiment. She walked around a mall wearing tight white pants with a fake period stain on the crotch for three hours, feigning obliviousness, while a classmate surreptitiously videotaped mallgoers reactions. It's fucking fantastic- she blends right in at the mall (see photo at top of post) except for her scarlet stain of shame, and she succeeded in freaking people the fuck out. Passerby were shown snapping phone pics, whispering their disapproval, and even yelling insults. This presentation was one of the absolute highlights of the conference for me. (Ironically I found out later that K., like me, uses hormonal menstrual suppression to treat a disorder. So double kudos for rocking the bloody pants.)

11:40 Body Panics Session! (My panel!)
First Paper: ASU Women and Gender Studied Professor Breanne Fahs (who is awesome and apparently reads my blog!) presents on the panics surrounding body hair: she had her female students grow out their body hair as an extra-credit assignment, while male students shaved theirs. This weirds me slightly as I perceive it as a form body policing (I am a feminist who shaves, that doesn't make me less of a feminist) but I come from a cultural context where body hair isn't a huge deal (raised in Northern California, currently involved in kinky and queer scenes where body hair is not considered weird). Breanne talks about how in some cases growing body hair can cause these women to lose jobs or relationships, be labeled as lesbians or even targeted for hate crimes, and the squicky ideas people have about body hair being dirty, smelly, or "filled with bugs." I guess as a 3rd waver (whatever that means) body hair politics have never been a priority for me, but in Arizona it's still a big deal. Everything is relative.

Second paper: Masturbation and gender discourse. Snooki's views on masturbation are prominently featured in the context of female masturbation discussions in popular culture (as a not-so-closet Jersey Shore fan, I love this). Presenter thinks giving vibrators to teenage girls (as advocated by sexologist on Oprah) distances them from their bodies. (As a person who couldn't regularly have an orgasm until I got a vibrator, I disagree, and feel like it enforces the stigma that "real women" don't need toys to get off.)

Third paper: ME. Yeep! My paper is entitled "No to the flow: Rejecting feminine norms and the reproductive imperative through hormonal menstrual suppression." I'm nervous, but I don't think I fucked it up too bad. Got some interesting feedback from folks, including a girl taking the pill who didn't realize she could skip the "period" part. Breanne says my paper gave her some fresh insight on the issue by presenting things from a queer/transgendered perspectives. WIN.

Fourth paper: Vagina Dentata and its many pop cultural manifestations. "Today I am going to talk about a lot of toothy vaginas." OH HELL YES. Did you know that the Starbucks logo is descended from the Sheela-na-gig and is totally a fucking vagina dentata? I will never look at coffee the same way again.

1pm: Lunchtime! I somehow manage to sit with Breanne and both of the keynote speakers and make an elegant first impression by talking about my $300 dildo. I engage Dr. Tolman on the subject of Slutwalk, which results in a minor tiff about whether or not "Slut" can be a reclaimed word. (I think it absolutely can be and is, she says no way.) I've learned to be very careful about bringing about Slutwalk because it's apparently an insanely polarized feminist landmine. Hey, future paper topic! (To detractors: I suggest attending a Slutwalk before tearing it down. You'd be surprised.) I buy a copy of Breanne's book "Performing Sex: The Making and Unmaking of Women's Erotic Lives" which talks about faking orgasms and other quandaries, and get it autographed.

2pm: Keynote Presentation the Second! "Sexuality early and late in life: The impacts and limitations of 'age-appropriate' frameworks," presented by Dr. Sarah McClelland of University of Michigan, Ann Arbor (one of the schools I'm applying to, incidentally!) Interesting that both keynote talks focus on notions of age appropriate sexuality to some degree, though with very different focuses. Dr. McClelland discussed the problems with the intentionally vague and subjective notion of "age appropriate," how this impacts ideas about "appropriate" sex ed, the desexualization of older people, people with terminal cancer, etc. She makes a very good point that it's very difficult to talk about childhood sexuality and sex ed without launching into pedophilia panic. Interesting counterpoint to show how much cultural attitudes have shifted in the past 40 years: in Pamela Des Barres book, in which she mentions two of her famous boyfriends left her for 14 year old girls, (Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith, Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin and junior groupie Lori Maddox). It was illegal at the time, but condoned. Nobody called child protective services. Can you imagine the scandal this would have caused now?

3:10 Postmodern Panics panel. I was looking forward to this panel perhaps most of all (even though it guiltily forced me to miss my roomie's Literature panel.) Unfortunately the presenter on hustling and Craigslist is a no-show. Fantastically well-presented paper on moral panics surrounding gay barebacking porn, which Dan Savage has deemed a form of "snuff film" akin to child pornography. Presenter discusses the weirdness of certain PSAs and other advocacy against barebacking porn, and asks if porn viewers can be trusted to separate fantasy from personal reality, and why unprotected straight anal porn doesn't receive the same negative attention. Second presenter talked about disability and sexual surrogacy, a topic I find incredibly compelling (read this awesome article in Filament magazine about an organization that helps facilitate healthy sex lives for differently-abled people), though there was less in-depth examination of surrogacy than I'd hoped for (though I am assuming it was an excerpt from the paper and not the whole thing). She examined the role of the caregiver, whether they should be involved in the sexual needs of their client and whether this could be realistically legally regulated (especially in the context of a cultural legacy of sexual abuse by caretakers), and also argued against medical availability of sexual surrogates in hospital settings because of the "war on terror and anti-muslim sentiment." (Didn't quite get that part. Should have asked for clarification but didn't want to hog the mike.)

4:45pm: Final keynote presentation: A performance/installation piece called The Wendy House (ironically also the name of a famous goth club in the UK). Two women performing the roles of Wendy and Tinkerbell in undershirts, tighty-whiteys (one with a shower pouf sewn to the crotch), spanx, and stripper heels, crawl around in Cheeto dust in a junk-food laden blanky fort, imbibe various substances, and issue slurred diatribes about Peter Pan's racist, misogynist ways off of color-coded index cards. I had to sit on a bare concrete floor in heels and my hips were fucking killing me, which might have detracted from my appreciation a little bit.

6pm: Conference is over! Cheesecake lollipop and iced tea reception! I sit in the lovely Arizona sunset with my roomie Ellen (who presented on Sheridan LeFanu's les-vamp classic "Carmilla") and Kenna, the lesbian feminist beer model (yeah, really!) who gave the period pants presentation. She invites me to go two-stepping at a lesbian cowboy bar! I'm exhausted, but wild horses couldn't keep me away!

7pm: Redwine and chitchat back at the Sheraton with my roomie. More swimming and spa-ing under the palm trees, no frat boys this time.

9pm: Kenna and her friend pick me up from the hotel. Kenna is an amazing ensemble of red sequined suspenders, booty shorts, and glitter-encrusted tap shoes reminiscent of the emcee from Cabaret. I need dinner so we stop at a Mexican drive-through where I get CARNE ASADA AND GUACAMOLE TOPPED FRENCH FRIES. Probably the best thing I ate in Phoenix (Arizona poutine?) Then it's off to Cash Inn Country Bar in Phoenix's "Fruit Loop" gay distract.

9:30pm: Cash Inn is totally awesome because it's so different from any lesbian bar I've ever been to. It's huge, a dedicated women's bar all week long (I think?), and it's a country bar! I know there used to be (still is?) a campy gay male country bar in Chicago, but this was the real deal. Kenna's not an Arizona native, but she knows how to dance like one, and is a fierce two step lead and accomplished line dancer. I awkwardly pranced around the dance floor a bit (and the line dancing was such a joy to watch!) I also enjoyed the mildly-uncomfortable "I'm not actually a lesbian, I sleep with men, but I'm queer identified" pomosexual coming-out conversation a few times over the evening, and accidentally provoked ire for using the word "dyke." (I feel like "lesbian" is considered kind of quaint and passe in Chicago, everyone's "queer," or a "dyke." I think about Dorothy Alison talking about "those fancy French lesbians, I'm not a lesbian, I'm a dyke" at a lecture I attended in undergrad.) Interesting to talk to a blue collar Arizona lesbian who considered the term "dyke" to be synonymous with "scary militant lesbian" (Hothead Paisan, perhaps)? Again with the cultural context.

At one point Kenna and I were bonding about how nobody "reads" her as a lesbian because she's conventionally pretty and femme, and how everyone assumes I'm lesbian because I have short hair (even though I wear dresses more than pants). "You should get a belt that says 'I love pussy'" I told her, as a dancer wearing an "I love boobs," belt waltzed by. "No, they'll just think I'm a cat lady. I have 27 kittens at home," I panicked for a moment, worried that she was an animal hoarder, until she explains that she's an "Elf Cat" breeder, adorable hairless kitties with curved ears:


One of Kenna's babies.

I know that lots of people are weirded about by hairless cats, but they are kind of an obsession for me, and I plan to adopt a pair some day. This was the point where I kind of decided that the universe had sent Kenna into my life ON PURPOSE. God had a plan for us, and it involved late night diner food and feminist theory.

12:30am Coffee and more intellectual discourse at Denny's.

Sat, Oct. 8th

9:30am: Crawled out of the bed for bacon, coffee, more lap swimming.

12:30pm Exhausted at the airport. Snapped at the server at Chili's who wanted to seat the suburban family before the single woman. (I try not to abuse people in the service industry, but it was a perfect storm of stupid.) Sitting at the gate, watching an episode of Glee on my laptop, I glance up and see Glee's Heather Morris (aka bisexual cheerleader Brittany) walk past. (She's from Scottsdale). Perfect surreal end to my trip.

This was my first academic conference, and I almost wish it was longer than one day, because I had a great time! Looking forward to presenting TWO papers (eep!) at the Southern Sociological Society's meeting in New Orleans in March!

It's OK to be out.

2011-10-11T13:39:00.003-05:00

In honor of the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell and National Coming Out Day, I would like to present a very special edition of "It's OK," a series that re-examines potentially problematic identities.

Photo by Daniel Butler

Today I would like to talk about being out. I will preface this by saying that I realize that being out is a privilege for many of us. A lot of us can't be out about whatever "secret" makes us different/potentially stigmatized- whether that's being GLBTQI, kinky, genderqueer, spiritual or religious, poly, have a chronic illness or mental illness, a hidden disability, anything- it can cost people their jobs, their family, relationships. I am very lucky in that I CAN be out about various aspects of my identity in most arenas in my life. My friends and family are supportive and open minded, and even my coworkers are pretty cool. If anything I think I can be too honest about my sexuality, gender identity and so forth- after all I write and blog about these things in numerous forums, and I talk about it in real life, too. I am the queen of TMI at times, but it's because these are the things I think about the most, and the places where people seem to have the most baggage.

I think there are a lot of things many of us aren't "out" about because we're afraid, and sometimes that fear exists to protect us. But I also think it's important to find some safe place in your life where you can be your most authentic self and not a sanitized, publicly acceptable shadow of that self. We spend so much time trying to meet other people's expectations, performing our work identities and our relationship identities to please others, that it's easy to forget who we really are.

It's ok to be out. First and foremost, and if nothing else, be out to yourself. And hopefully you can be out with your partner, if you are partnered. Find people you can be out with, and safe places where you can be yourself without fear. And don't be afraid to be out in ways that challenge other people's notions about how you should or shouldn't be, as long as you don't put yourself at risk by doing so. Write about it and publish under a pseudonym if you have to. Be brave. The more you hide and repress these core aspects of your identity, the more miserable you become. The more you allow yourself to be that authentic self, the more you create a safe space for others to be out.

I think for National Coming Out Day, my personal challenge is coming out as a queer-identified "woman" (at least in appearance) who dates men (heteroqueer or girlfag for short). In queer spaces I tiptoe around my "problematic" sexual identity, justifying it, protecting it like a defenseless baby bunny. I "pass" as queer, and feel like an asshole and a poser sometimes. It's ironic, isn't it? I've written about this extensively in the past, my struggles with feeling like an imposter, an infiltrator. Fuck it, this is me, I can't NOT be this. I don't know how to make other people feel comfortable with my convoluted sexuality and gender identity, and maybe I shouldn't bother, but I can at least work on feeling comfortable with it myself.

Making Reading Sexy the Roman Scandal Way...

2011-09-30T11:45:00.002-05:00

Last Sunday my friend Zaana and I did a photo shoot on the theme of "Sexy Grad Student" which I'm not yet, but I've been spending a lot of time getting my paper ready for the Moral Panics of Sexuality Conference next week, so I am feeling a bit like a bookworm. My style concept was glasses, comfy sweater, sexy stockings, and lots of books. The books I posed with ranged from tomes penned by Germaine Greer to Susie Bright to JWoww (Yeah, really. Does that count as 4th wave feminism?). These are all books I consider sexy, written by sexy women! Unfortunately the light was bad (rainy day) so not all the shots turned out as planned, but we got a few good ones.

My sister says I look like my mom in this one. My mom is beautiful, but bite me.

I'm rather sleep deprived, and it shows. But that's part of grad student chic.

I think the John Waters quote above pretty much nails it, but I think we also have to make reading SEXY. If PETA can get Jenna Jameson to pose for their ooky campaigns, why isn't the ALA recruiting Nina Hartley and other super smart porn stars to pimp reading? (God, how amazing would that be?) I guess they'll have to make do with my nerdy pinups for now.

Couple other things:

2011-09-27T12:10:00.001-05:00

I'vegot a new essay about preferring G Spot stimulation to Clitoral stimulation on Eden Cafe. IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND. (Maybe.)

That's all for now...

I'm bringing Hanky back....

2011-09-27T11:00:00.028-05:00

This is how to flag as a femme. Photo by Daniel Butler.

My friend @mutilato and I recently had a discussion about the Hanky Code and whether it should be brought back. (I don't think it ever went away in some circles...)

To the uninitiated, the hanky code is a system of wearing a colored handkerchief in the back pocket of your pants to indicate sexual preferences and top/bottom status to facilitate cruising at a bar or club. This started out in the gay leather scene, where this sort of sexual shorthand was probably easier and sexier for tricking in loud, crowded bars than trying to have an elaborate conversation with a stranger who may or may not share your interests.

The hanky code works like this: each color symbolizes a fetish or sex act. Wear the hanky on right side, and you'll bottom for that activity, wear it on the left and you'll top for it. If you switch I guess you have to wear a hanky on both sides, which seems a little tiresome to me.

This code was adapted by leatherdykes in the '80s with some new colors added (maroon= menstruation fetish!) and kinky pansexual players as well. I personally find flagging very exciting because it helps me get in touch with the gay male aspect of my genderqueer identity. (Or call it "appropriation," I don't give really a shit.)

Femmes have specific challenges for flagging if you prefer skirts and dresses to skirts. I saw one lady Domme tuck them into the back of her leather skirt, and I like to wear a belt with dresses or blouses that I can tuck my hankies into. I was thrilled when someone at a club told me they "had to meet me" because "I'd figured out a way to flag while wearing a dress." My friend T., who looks like a grown-up, kinky version of Rizzo from Grease, showed me these clever hanky barrettes on Etsy, and T. has been known to flag by tucking aptly-colored chiffon scarves into the neckline of her dresses.

The main problem with the hanky code is that it got way too complicated. Who can remember fifty+ permutations of colors, fabrics and patterns. The early hanky codes started with ten basic colors (mostly my selections listed below) and then people started getting creative. Red and white gingham for picnic table sex fetishist! Five shades of purple that all mean drastically different things, replete with pantone color codes to help you make the distinction! In a dark bar, how can you be sure whether someone is flagging yellow (watersports), mustard (size queen), or gold (threesomes)? (What next, sea foam for Martha Stewart roleplay? This is rough trade, not interior decorating, bitches!) I don't want to be hierarchical about which fetishes are more important for flagging, but seriously, if there is anything more than ten colors and various shades of the same color, and there's too much potential confusion. So let's bring back the OG, simplified hanky code!

These were my proposed color selections for the hanky code revival:

1. Black- S&M

2. Grey- Bondage and restraints

3. Red- Fisting

4. Orange- Anything, Anytime, Anywhere

5. Yellow-Water Sports

6. Kelly Green- Hustler, play for pay (more relevant in some scenes than others)

7. Light Blue-Oral Sex

8. Dark Blue- Anal Sex

Mutilato says the following colors should also be included in addition to what's mentioned above:

9. Purple- Piercings- piercing fetish, or play piercing

10. Brown- scat play. I left this out because I am admitted squicked by this and can't imagine it has a huge following, though I might be wrong. OTOH, if you're a member of this small majority it might be hard to meet others that share your interest (and bringing it up in conversation might scare off tricks) so maybe it would be useful for scat fans to flag for tricking.

11. Teal- Cock and Ball Torture

I think flagging should be considered a general stepping off point for tricking in public. Having this shorthand makes it easier to spot who is available for play, their power orientation and whether their interests match yours. Also it's a fun piece of leather history, and a great conversation starter even if you don't wind up playing.

The only wildcard that flagging leaves out I think, is sexual orientation. Flagging has a distinctly queer history, but you don't have to be queer-id'ed to flag! As a heteroflexible woman who looks like a lesbian but loves playing with men, this can be tricky for me...Though I've come to realize that if a man is attracted to me, he'll probably hit on me even if he thinks I'm a lesbian. I guess male privilege works in my favor sometimes?

A Sentence of Sorts in Kongsvinger

2011-09-25T17:00:00.002-05:00

This song came on my itunes while working on my paper today, broke me out of my sleep deprived funk:

"I spent the winter on the verge of a total mental breakdown while living in Norway

I felt the darkness of the Black Metal Bands

But being such a fawn of a man I didn't burn down any old churches

Just slept way too much, just slept"

This made me smile, because it reminded me of my unrequited crush on Scandinavia post, and how truly miserable I'd probably be if I were actually there instead of here.

I love all Of Montreal's songs about living/traveling in Europe:

"I fell in love with the first cute girl I met who could appreciate Georges Batailles
Standing at a Swedish festival, discussing 'Story of the Eye' "("The Past is a Grotesque Animal")

(I am embarrassed to admit what an epic role "Story of the Eye" had in many of my relationships in my twenties...So much so that I had a loaner copy that is ironically still in the clutches beautiful/smart but crazy girl of Scandinavian extraction.)

Heck, I just love Of Montreal.

Sex Toy Solo Smackdown: !1!!1Eleventy!!!11!!!

2011-09-23T00:03:00.008-05:00

Be very afraid. In a good way!

Ok, I'm taking a brief break from the sex toy world cup to review the Eleven. Think of this as the half time show! The Eleven is not going to battle with another toy because this bitch is $300 and 11" long, and while Lelo's Olga has similar specs, I can't afford to buy more than one $300+ sex toy at once simply for comparison's sake!

Have I told you how much I love Njoy's Pure Wand? Yeah, I think I have. (Fine, I'll shut up about it already!) The Eleven is the biggest, baddest bitch in the Njoy line. Eleven inches of weighty solid steel, a modest $300 price tag, and it comes with its own leather clutch purse that's nice enough that you could bring it to a club and pretend it wasn't a sex toy storage bag. Or maybe you could brag to people that it is, and they'll want to sleep with you because you own this terrifying and super elite sex toy! IDK!

So, the Eleven. I am a little bit of a size queen, so of course I was lusting for this thing from the moment I saw it. It really is incredibly beautiful, like a cross between a chrome art deco coffeepot and and an HR Giger painting. And it's double ended, with one very thick, tapered bulbous end, and a slimmer end with convenient ridges for clitoral stimulation. Both ends feel awesome with a smooth glide and curves to hit the right spot, but this is definitely not a toy for the timid- it takes up some serious real estate.

If I have one complaint about this beast, it's that it's heavy, and therefore inconvenient to work with one hand while using a vibe. You can't ever really let go of it, because gravity will do funny things with it. And your arm is going to get tired, and it doesn't have the uber convenient ergonomic curve of its little sister, the Pure Wand.

However! If you have a partner to use it on you? AMAZING. It has a weight unlike any other toy I've ever used, and feels incredible when someone else is doing the heavy lifting. It's just not ideal as a solo toy.

This toy is admittedly a big investment, and it's not for everyone. If you have the bucks and enjoy big, heavy, smooth toys (and want a purse/piece of modern art/blunt weapon in the deal), by all means spring for this baby. I think you'll know if it's for you. And it is very likely to make you popular with kinky people who've been dying to try it out.

Update: I discovered last night that this beast ALSO makes an excellent massage tool! (For sore backs, pervert!)

For the general populace, I maintain that the Pure Wand is STILL the best money you can spend on a steel toy, and definitely something to try before committing to the Eleven.

And of course, you can purchase all of Njoy's amazing steel toys from EdenFantasys!

More Menstrual Suppression...

2011-09-20T13:08:00.000-05:00

This is stuff I've already written about before, but Eden Cafe recently ran another article I wrote about Menstrual Suppression that's getting a lot of good feedback.

I'm still in the throes of cranking out my paper about Menstrual Suppression and Moral Panic, which I will present in Phoenix on October 7th!

The Girl and the Röyksopp

2011-09-20T11:28:00.004-05:00

I've had an unrequited crush on Scandinavia long before I got into Denmark's pants. (Unrequited, I say, because while living in Japan, I had some awkward encounters with Swedes who enjoyed informing me how horrible my country was, to my face.) But for as long as I can remember, the Danish branch of my family tree was the thread most revered by the Geneaology nerds of my clan (and indeed, how I ended up meeting a distant Danish cousin while visiting Copenhagen). I clung to that little bit of cultural heritage with the unwavering devotion of an American mutt who desperately wants to identify with something other than "white." (A lot of us do this. My Dad is obsessed with his Native American roots. Half of Chicago goes batshit for St. Patricks Day if they have even a drop of Irish blood.) Being an American, particularly a White American is such a vague, amorphous identity that can mean so many bad things, it's not surprising that I've come to idealize the land of stylish furniture, socialized health care, impeccable pop music and beautiful people.

I always knew, even when I was a kid, that I'd be an expat when I grew up. (I spent half my twenties living in Japan, and am currently applying to a grad school programs in Bergen, Berlin and Amsterdam.) I spent my summers in cultural immersion day camp, learning French and Italian and eating Nutella and folk dancing. I used my first paycheck from my part-time job to buy "teach yourself German" cassette tapes. I wanted to be a polyglot, and by the time I graduated from high school I was speaking, reading, and writing French semi-fluently. I went on to get a bachelor's degree in Japanese, and once I acquired fluency in the Kansai dialect, hired a tutor to teach me Portuguese. I wound up as some sort of culturally confused linguistic jack of all trades, which is ironically so very American of me.

When I was eight or nine, I had this Scandinavian languages phrase book- I think I made my mom buy it for my birthday. It was the size of a small phone book, as it covered Swedish, Danish AND Norwegian, but I carried that damn thing around like it was a security blanket. I was a bookish, chronically bullied, socially awkward twit with terrible fashion sense even by 1980's standards. My trump card was that I was the smartest kid in my class, which just made my peers hate me more. I didn't have many friends, but I did have my muthafuckin' Scandinavian phrasebook, because someday I was going to grow up, move to Europe, and be so much cooler than the assholes who listened to Boyz 2 Men and thrived on making my life a living hell.

I know now that even if I still owned that phrasebook it would not do me a lot of good, because Danish phoenetics are a bitch for native English speakers. Odense, where my cousin lives, is pronounced something like "Oh-NN-suh," not "Oh-dense." I still am not sure how to pronounce Købnhavn. And that is one of the hard lessons you learn as an expat- sure, you escaped America, but you're still a fucking American, and your pronounciation blows. Their English is so much better than your Danish will ever be. (Japan, interestingly, was the inverse: the language is very easy to pronounce, and the majority of Japanese nationals struggle with English. So Denmark was like a cold bitchslap of linguistic inferiority to my pride.)

The week I spent in Denmark shook a lot of shit loose in my heart and in my head. It was the first time I'd left the USA since moving back in 2005, and it made me realize how grey and rote my life in the States had become. My first day back in Chicago, I sobbed. The food was bad. The buildings were ugly. There weren't any bike lanes. The people were lumpy and infuriating. Life was easy, but I wasn't really living it. It was literally shocking how ugly the city I'd fallen in love with six years ago had come to look in just a week's absence. It was like coming home to an estranged wife after a passionate week-long love affair with a stranger who was intimately familiar.

I couldn't put my finger on it. It wasn't so much that I wanted to move to Denmark- even with one week of summer vacationing I could tell that Copenhagen might quickly become a lonely and disillusioning place, not to mention the massive challenges of getting a visa and finding work when I don't speak the language. As an American, I could proudly claim my Danish ethnicity, but in Denmark, it didn't mean jack shit- I was an American, very far removed from my namesake Danish Great Great Grandmother.

But there was something magical about visiting this place where everybody looked like me (but thinner, in spite of their delicious pastries) and where there are tiny hearts stamped on the coins and half the candy in the 7-11 is black licorice, my favorite. It struck me, my first night in town, as I offered my Danish friend a sip of my Pernod and soda with the caveat "You might not like it, it tastes like licorice," that I didn't HAVE to say that, because of course he loved licorice. It was like this amazing alternate universe where my peculiar tastes for smoked fish and licorice and rye bread and bitters were considered normal. I have no idea if a penchant for licorice is genetic, but my mother and sister love it too. I bought a ton of candy, rationing it carefully and as it dwindled, feeling a little sad with the passage of time taking me further and further away from Denmark.

I have every intention of visiting again next summer (along with Iceland, Sweden, Germany, and the Netherlands), and it's possible I will go to grad school in Europe, depending on where the chips fall. (Tuition is free in Norway, and about 5k a year in Germany. Can't argue with that.) But for right now, I'm in the US and facing another long, horrible Chicago winter.

2 weeks ago I downloaded three albums by Norwegian electronic dance pop duo Röyksopp after a friend recommended them to me. Since then it's all I've listened to, escaping into my Scandinavian fantasies once again. My ipod has become my grown-up version of the phrasebook. I feel like Robyn in the Girl and the Robot video, staring numbly into a very distant and unrealistic fantasy that is all the more alluring for its unattainability. When the snow falls and the days grow shorter and darker, I will pretend I'm in Trømso, and it will get me through the day.

New Huffpo Blog: Alternative Alternative Relationship Models

2011-09-19T13:28:00.000-05:00

(This post also appears here at the Huffington Post Chicago website.)

Recently I attended a workshop presented by Dossie Easton, co-author of The Ethical Slut. To the uninitiated, TES is the bible for individuals participating in the Polyamorous lifestyle -- i.e., the idea that you can have multiple romantic, committed relationships simultaneously (not to be confused with swinging, where a committed couple engages in casual sex without emotional involvement, cheating, or good old-fashioned random fucking around). Polyamory is wildly popular in the queer and kink communities, to the point that people who prefer monogamy get sometimes funny looks.

I dabbled in polyamory in my youth (when I actually had the time and energy for multiple relationships) and while I respect it as a valid lifestyle for others, it's not a relationship model that works for me at this point. It's easy enough to have a little black book full of numbers, but having to actually remember birthdays and anniversaries for these numbers? That's another story entirely.

So what do you do when you're not really up for polyamory but are too unconventional for traditional committed monogamy? You come up with alternatives to alternative relationship models.

Unrequited Polyamory: Although I cannot handle IRL polyamory, I am a champion at unrequited polyamory. This is when you are secretly "in love with" (read: doomed crush on) multiple unavailable people, such as coworkers, clients, roommates, people who flirt with you for an ego boost but aren't really into you, people whose sexual orientation doesn't include your gender, people already in monogamous relationships, people your friends are dating/have dated, that girl you see on the train every morning, exes you're still not over, people you hooked up with on vacation who live on the other side of the world, and friends you made out with once when you were drunk and agreed it should never happen again, except you secretly hope it will happen again. The difference between unrequited polyamory vs. normal unrequited love is the sincere belief that all twelve of these people could be the love of your life, simultaneously, if they'd just give you a chance.

Casual Monogamy: One of the best parts of being in an ongoing relationship is (hopefully) you are having lots of fantastic sex with someone who gets to know your sexual ins and outs (teehee) well enough to get you off every time. But you know what the best part of monogamy really is? LOTS AND LOTS OF BAREBACKING (assuming you're both STI-free). You can theoretically be in a polyamorous situation where you are fluid-bonded with one or more partners, but the risk of exposure to STIs is still way higher when all parties are fucking multiple people, even if you're using barriers. Sometimes you can't handle being in a real relationship, but you miss that unlimited sexual freedom to fuck without a condom/dental dam/whatever. And that's where casual monogamy comes in.

When I first moved to Chicago, I spent six months in a non-committed relationship with a much older divorced man I nicknamed my "casual husband." He cooked me pot roasts, we sat around in our underwear watching TV, and had lots and lots of consequence-free unprotected sex. It was seriously awesome, and legitimately emotionally uncomplicated (I went through an awkward "BUT WHAT IF I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?" phase but got over it fairly quickly.) Also, he gave me a deep fryer for my birthday. That is what casual monogamy is all about.

Platonic Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Genderqueerfriend: This is sort of the inverse of casual monogamy. You are clearly in an ongoing, emotionally involved relationship with a person, and you do stuff like cook dinner and go to IKEA together, but sex is off the table. The difference between this and a normal friendship is one or both partners is "secretly in love" with the other, but sex is not a viable reality for one of the reasons described in "Unrequited Polyamory" above. Not to be confused with a "hetero life mate," where there is not underlying romantic tension.

Did I miss any important alternative alternative relationships styles? Leave a note in the comments if I did.

Revisiting The Rules

2011-09-14T09:53:00.000-05:00

(For posterity, here is my first HuffPo Chicago blog in it's entirety. Visit the original post here, and be sure to click "like" if you like it!)

I recently read that Blake Lively of Gossip Girl hooked Leonardo DiCaprio by manipulating his affections with that old chestnut of female wiles, The Rules. (Does anyone else think that LD kind of looks like one of those babies that look like tiny old men? But I digress.) Clearly none of his attraction to her was based on the fact that she's a youthful blonde starlet, because no heterosexual man would EVER want to date Blake Lively unless she tasered him into submission with extensive mindfuckery.

I've never read the rules. At the point that it came out in 1995, I was fifteen years old and had no particular desire to trick a man into marrying me. I'm 31 now and still have no desire to trick a man into marrying me, but as a blogger who writes a lot about sex, dating and gender, my curiosity got the better of me, and I looked it up on Google Books.

I often wish that I felt a stronger sexual attraction to women, because I feel my cultural identity and personal politics are most likely much better suited to queer dating than attempting to conform to hetero culture. As I wrote in my essay "Passing," there are ways that I do have an accidental lesbian identity, at least on the basis of appearance. Deep down inside, I identify much more as a transgendered gay man than a straight woman or a lesbian, but having chosen to stick with my female body, I'm pretty much stuck dating straight (or bisexual if I'm lucky) men. I generally refer to myself as "heteroqueer" in order to make the distinction that yes, I like boys, but I can't wrap my head around mainstream straight culture at all.

The Rules have always been a part of heterosexual woman lore that I could never wrap my head around. It was the first in a long line of books on the theme of "YOU CAN'T GET A MAN TO COMMIT BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG SO DO WHAT THIS BOOK SAYS AND IT WILL FIX ALL YOUR PROBLEMS." Then asshat "Pick Up Artists" like Mystery and Style responded by writing their own "Rules" for manwhores -- Rules of the Game to be precise, on the inverse theme of "YOU CAN GET ATTRACTIVE WOMEN TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH YOU IF YOU JUST INSULT THEM PROPERLY!"

If The Rules built a better husband-catching mousetrap, then the Rules of the Game built a smarter, sleazier mouse. The end result is a lot of creepy, desperate people obsessing about how much energy they should invest in playing mind games with potential marriage/sex partners, because it clearly worked for the authors of these books!

I went ahead and read the first few chapters of The Rules (which is hilariously outdated to the point of telling you how to behave at "singles dances") until Google cut me off, but you can pretty much figure out the system by reading the introduction and skimming the chapter titles. There are aspects of the program that make a lot of sense, mainly that you should have an interesting life of your own as a single person and not spend all your time obsessing about crappy dudes.

But the problem is the book also advocates styling yourself as narcissistic, game-playing, emotionally unavailable manic pixie dream girl (aka "creature unlike any other") who is never allowed to initiate a phone call, pay for anything, "talk too much," reveal personal information, or make out on the first date. That sounds kind of awful, actually, but these are still tropes that still haunt single heterosexual women 16 years after this dumb book was published.

Fun fact: The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work came out around the time that co-author Ellen Fein was getting divorced, so apply these principles at your own risk.
I am an abject failure by the standards of The Rules, but I'm kind of okay with it. My two longest relationships were with men that I chased (to be fair, they were shy boys who probably wouldn't have made the first move on their own, but that didn't mean that my aggression was somehow revolting to them). The first one was a sleazy college hook-up that turned into a four-year relationship. The second one I had sex with on the second date. I had TRIED not to, and explained to him that I didn't want things to "get weird" between us before we wound up having sex anyway. Things didn't get weird, and we stayed together for almost year before I decided it was time to move on. You know what's wrong with me? I keep settling for egalitarian, feminist men who don't ostracize me for being sexually aggressive and honest!

The relationships I've had that have most closely followed the "Rules" archetype have been kind of awful. If a man aggressively chases you, it's most likely because he has some fantasy version of you in his head that you most likely won't be able to live up to. Sure, it's nice to be wooed with expensive dinners and fancy presents, but not when these things are ploys for control.

The reality is no matter how hard you try to psychologically manipulate someone into committing or having NSA sex with you (depending on which version of the "Rules" you follow), there's no guarantee that it will actually work. And if it does work, what do you have? A person you psychologically manipulated into dating/fucking you. Hot. There will always be dudes who want chase women they perceive as unattainable. The Rules will probably work on these dudes, but then (according to this book) you have continue acting rulesy even after you've married them. Isn't the whole point of a committed relationship that you feel comfortable enough to be genuine and vulnerable with your partner?

The reality is that dating sucks. You will probably get burned. You will probably get rejected. You can try to protect the defenseless moosh that is your aching heart or throbbing genitals with an arsenal of mindfuck tricks, but if this shit truly worked, we'd already have a nation of happily married straight women and sexually gratified straight men. (Never mind the fact that there are plenty of straight men seeking commitment, and straight women seeking casual sex only.) These books exist solely to sell you bullshit and false promises so that the authors can get rich and then charge you even more money for seminars and spin off books.

So seriously, straight ladies: call dudes. Make out on the first date. Hell, fuck on the first date, if you want to. Pay for dinner on occasion, especially if you make more money than he does (and studies say that a lot of us are these days). And if these things scare him off, is this really a person you'd want to be dating anyway? Congratulations, you just dodged a bullet.

Sex Toy World Cup Round Two: Sweden Vs. Japan (Part Two)

2011-09-10T11:22:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I reviewed Sweden's Ella, a g-spot dildo that left me cold. Today, Japan's Vibratex Silky puts the smack down!

As featured in "Burn After Reading"!

Vibratex is an old school Japanese company best know for pioneering the "Rabbit Pearl" design which has been subsequently ripped off a bajillion times. Coincidentally, Lelo also has an entire line of "rabbit" style vibrators, that aren't as cutesy, but feature the same all-in-one clit vibrator and penetration combo. (I personally don't care for rabbit style vibes. I owned one when I lived in Japan that looked like an eskimo and oscillated, but I prefer keep my clitoral and internal stimulation separate.) Anyway, I got to try Vibratex's non-rabbit "Silky" dildo at a strap-on product testing party (yes, really) and although I thought is sort looked sort of like a gross jelly dildo at first glance, it turned out to be incredibly awesome on many levels, so I decided I needed one of my own!

Team Japan: Vibratex's Silky

Retail Price:$45ish

Specs: Blue, black or pink latex and phthalate free Elastomer. Soft, squishy yet firm texture with a bendable insert. Pillowy, veined, skin-like texture with a pronounced head. 7" long, 1 5/8" diameter, lightweight with flared based (harness compatible). Good for vaginal or anal play, though make sure you use condoms if you use it for both, as it's non-disinfectable.

Appearance: This literally looks like a dildo made from bubble gum (especially the pink one!) The powdery surface has an almost unchewed bubble gum-like texture. It also feels a LOT like Japanese mochi daifuku (bean paste filled pounded rice cakes) which is oddly appropriate. The elastomer is as soft as cyber skin or vix skin, but has the advantage of being firm yet yielding, making it ideal for anal penetration as well as vaginal. Despite the unrealistic colors scheme, the cock is otherwise fairly realistic with a pronounced head and veined texture. There's also a smily face on the underside of the cock head. Yes, really. By law, Japanese sex toys have to have a face or some kind of anthropomorphising aspect in order to be legally qualifiable as "toys." Yes, Japan is weird about sex in certain ways, but that's partly General McArthurs fault for telling them to censor genitalia from porn, which is why tentacles have emerged as a viable substitute for penises. The soft texture and flexible core in this dildo means you can totally use it for pack and play, which is awesome! You can also bend it to create a nice g-spot curve, and it will keep its shape as you use it!

Orgasmic Factor:
I didn't get to use this toy to strap-on fuck anyone, but everyone who fucked with it/was fucked by it reported it was fantastic. I did fuck myself with it (well, Sunny helped!) and also loved it.

The greatest thing about this toy is it offer a lot of features that have *sounded* great but been executed poorly in other toys, such as flexible bendability, pack and play capability, and skin-like texture. Unlike other toys, this one actually delivers on all these promises (I've always said the Japanese are the champions of building a better mousetrap). It's delightfully soft and silky, but firm enough to properly fuck with, actually holds its shape correctly when you bend it, and maintains the integrity of its smooth texture with repeated washings (unlike the old cyberskin dildos that tended to get grubby/sticky/pill-y with time). It's wonderful for strap on play, because of the large, firm base, and it's on the big side of average, but soft and yielding enough to adapt to a variety of body types without discomfort. And it looks like a real cock! (Apart from the color and smiley face...) My only complaint is that it's not disinfectable, so always use with condoms if you plan on sharing. On the other hand, that means you can use any kind of (preferably non-oil based) lube with it, although you have to store it separate from other plastic/vinyl toys to prevent the material from degrading. (Silicone should be ok.)

One last thing- a sticker on the box says "As featured with George Clooney in Burn Before Reading." Yep, it's the dildo from his fuck chair. (They also brag about the Rabbit Pearl being featured on Sex In The City, so maybe product placement is their main marketing strategy?)

Overall Grade: 9/10 (it would be a 10 if the material could be disinfected.)

FINAL VERDICT:
I was expecting a tie based on Lelo's reputation, but the Silky won by a long shot. Lelo is a great company with beautiful aesthetics (and anything that makes sex toys more acceptable by mainstream standards is a plus in my opinion), but their designer toys just don't work right with my body, and are better suited to people who want smaller, discreet, entry-level toys. Vibratex caught me off guard, I didn't expect to love the Silky as much as I did, but I'd recommend it to almost anybody. JAPAN VICTORY! (Japan will return in a future match with a Tenga product, guest-reviewed by my dude BFF Brazilian Maik!)

Sex Toy World Cup Round Two: Sweden Vs. Japan (Part One)

2011-09-09T14:05:00.007-05:00

Sweden has an unfair advantage in the boob department.

For round two, I selected a pair g-spot friendly dildos: Lelo's "Ella" from Sweden, and Vibratex's "Silky" from Japan.

My friend K. described the Ella as looking like a "Danish Modern" dildo, and technically it's Swedish, but it does sort of look like something you'd buy at IKEA (Protip: IKEA plastic bag holders double really well as dildo storage racks.)

Unfortunately Denmark doesn't seem to have any sex toy companies of their own (I checked!) so Sweden is left to pick up the slack. Lelo is one of the original high end luxury toy brands, and though I had tried a friend's Soraya at a party, I didn't have any Lelo products of my own, probably because they're friggin' expensive. So I decided to pick up the relatively inexpensive Ella g-spotter as an experimental investment.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN...

Team Sweden: Lelo's Ella

Retail price: $40ish

Specs: Matte silicone. Available in black, rose, or white. 7" long, 1.25" diameter (depending on which end you use, but this is what the website says.) Slender and lightweight.

Appearance: Non-vibrating silicone double ended dildo. One end has a curved knob for G-spot stimulation, the other end is smooth/pointed with a slight ridge towards the top with a slender neck connecting both ends. Beautiful Scandinavian design and elegant packaging. The long black box makes it feel like you're getting a diamond bracelet, which makes sense since Lelo has branded itself as the pinnacle of luxury toys.

Special features: Comes with a white satin pouch for storage. Comes with free Lelo lube if you buy it through EdenFantasys. Either end can be used for penetration.

Orgasmic Factor:
So, as you may remember, I think Njoy's Pure Wand is the BEST TOY EVER, because it hits the G and A spots so well. The only downside is that it's rather heavy, and not good for travel. I was curious about the Ella because it seems to have a nice g spot curve and a decent length. I didn't expect it to live up to the Pure Wand, but I was hoping that it would be good enough to serve as a portable substitute when I go on trips. And furthermore, I was eager to get my hands on some of that legendary Lelo magic, and at $40, the price was right.

Boy, was I disappointed.

To prove that I am NOT biased, I will mention that this toy has an average rating of 4.5/5 stars (based on 624 votes) on EdenFantasys. So clearly, there a lot of people who love this toy. But these people are not me.

This toy was useless for getting me warmed up- I barely felt it. So I tried giving it another go a week later when I was already aroused. It was slightly better this time, but the G spot stimulation was so mild compared to the Pure Wand that I quickly gave up on it. Part of the issue is that it's so light and slender that it just lacks the necessary "oomph" I need to get off. I tried using the straight end as well, and found the pointy tip to be rather uncomfortable when it hit my cervix. Sigh.

I can see this product working well for sex toy beginners or women who prefer smaller insertables. (One of the main reasons I've haven't bought any Lelo insertables in the past is they're all so friggin' short). If you're already addicted to the Pure Wand, this will do nothing for you.

On the upside, the aesthetics, design and packaging of this toy are gorgeous, and I really did want to like it. It's just too bad that the function can't live up to the form for me.

Overall Grade: 6/10

In tomorrow's installment, Japan steps up its game with the Vibratex Silky dildo!

Queer Enough, Again!

2011-09-08T08:34:00.000-05:00

C. told me I look like Geraldo Rivera in this pic. Should I be flattered or offended?

My essay Queer Enough was recently published in a super awesome zine, also called Queer Enough (purely coincidental) which debuted at the "Queer Between the Covers" bookfair in Montreal, Canada. The zine is filled with writing and art about queer heterosexuality, a topic near and dear to my heart. You can buy the zine here, it's only $3.

If you're interested in submitting writing or artwork for the next issue, you can find the call for submissions here. Jamie has set 10/1/11 as the tentative deadline, so get on it!

I'm blogging for HuffPo Chicago now!

2011-09-07T21:28:00.000-05:00

No, this isn't the reason I've sucked at updating recently (you can blame grad school applications and a conference paper for that), but an editor friend invited me to write about sex and dating for Huffington Post Chicago, so I will be both cross posting stuff from here and producing some original content for them...You can see my first post here, about the hangover straight dating culture still suffers from that stupid Rules book that came out 16 years ago! Enjoy!

Weeds in Copenhagen

2011-09-03T11:03:00.002-05:00

This cracked me up after I came back from Denmark and Copenhagen serendipitously became a plot point on Weeds:

Fisting for dummies

2011-08-30T11:08:00.001-05:00

Eden Cafe just ran Part 2 of my Fisting Series (Part 1 is here), dealing with the how-to of fisting. This is a practice that freaks people out- even kinksters, so I wanted to shed some light on the subject, and how to do it properly.

I kind of wonder if the reason that a lot of straight people are freaked out by it is it's historically such a queer sex act. (And duh, woman usually have smaller hands. Even gay leathermen used to enlist leather ladies for fisting.) There are many layers to the fisting onion...

Sex Toy World Cup Round One: Germany Vs. USA Part Two

2011-08-27T19:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I reviewed Germany's Fun Factory's Teneo Duo Smart Balls. Today Team USA represents!

Team USA: California Exotic's Venus Butterfly

Retail Price:$22ish

Specs: TPR rubber or jelly, depending on the model. 3.75" long, 3.5" wide, lightweight. Straps adjust to fit most bodies (including plus size bodies!)

Appearance: Ribbed, rubbery purple or pink butterfly-shaped bullet vibrator sleeve that fits over the clit and labia and is held in place with a pair of adjustable elastic leg straps. You slip the straps around your thighs (or waist, depending) to hold the vibe in place.

Orgasmic Factor:
I originally purchased the "wireless" version which comes with a slim, bullet vibe that runs one AAA battery instead of the traditional corded battery pack. The classic version comes with California Exotics' classic silver bullet vibrator with runs on 2 AA's, so I popped the original vibe out of the butterfly sleeve and put in my bullet instead, although the bullet does not appear to be removable for some versions of the toy (there seem to be about a billion different. Slightly less convenient with the battery pack, but the added stimulation is well worth it! The jelly sleeve considerably quiets the sound of the vibrator, making it discreet for public wear, and also makes the vibrations a bit more diffuse (I also appreciate the cushioning effect that kept the bullet from rattling against my clit hood jewelry, a big reason why I'd stopped using my bullet in the first place.) I like a lot of direct stimulation, so I found the trick to using this toy effectively during partner sex was positions where external pressure is applied to press it against the clit. It works great for grinding on while riding woman-on-top, or while fucking someone with a strap on. I don't think it would do much for me during doggy style, because while the leg straps hold it in place, it doesn't provide enough clitoral stimulation to get me over the edge. I haven't tried it for missionary position, but I suspect a vibrating cockring might be more effective for keeping things in place.

You can also wear this out and about, pairing it with tight jeans to hold it in place while concealing its presence. I imagine it could be quite fun with a remote controlled battery pack!

My main concern with this item is that it's made from not super body friendly jelly, so it can't be shared or disinfected. You can unsnap the leg straps for washing it, but you'd probably want to remove the bullet first, which makes it kind of a hassle to clean.

Overall Grade: 7/10

FINAL VERDICT:
Both of these products had their pros and cons, are both relatively inexpensive, great for public/partnered play, and kind of challenging to clean, so in the end, I'm going to declare this a tie. Germany and or USA will wind up rematching each other or other countries at some point (and this gives me an excuse to try other Fun Factory products!)

Sex Toy World Cup Round One: Germany Vs. USA Part One

2011-08-26T14:09:00.004-05:00

Welcome to Round One of School for Scandal's Sex Toy World Cup, part of the Sex Toy Smackdown Series, which compares two toys to see which emerges victorious.

The ultimate luxury dildo.

For this first round, I selected a pair of "discreet" toys that can theoretically be worn in public while running errands, or in the case of the Venus Butterfly, during partner sex. I pitted Germany's Fun Factory against USA's California Exotics. Fun Factory is an upper mid-range company, a bit more affordable than luxury brands like Lelo and Jimmy Jane, but still features very good quality, high end products. California Exotics is an old guard sex toy company that has re-vamped its image in recent years to include more silicone and glass toys, and produces many classic sex toys like the silver bullet, which was my standby vibe for many years. (Despite the fact that the silver bullet won my first sex toy smackdown, I've switched to team Hitachi since...Oh, I can be a fickle girl!)

Team Germany: Fun Factory's Teneo Duo Smart Balls

Retail price: $30ish

Specs: Silicone. 7.25" long, including string, insertable part is about 4" long. Balls are 1.5" in diameter. Lightweight.

Appearance: Two matte silicone balls connected with a silicone string with a loop at one end as well as an indentation to help with insertion. These come in five colors: red, green, black, pink and violet, all with white contrasting patterns. I picked violet since I seem to have a burgeoning collection of purple sex toys these days. The balls are hollow and contain a small weighted ball that kind of rattles around inside, you can feel this subtle movement as you wear them.

Special features: Comes with a packet of lube (contains glycerine, unfortunately), in case you want to pop them in right away. ;)

Orgasmic Factor:
I got these in the mail from EdenFantasys a few weeks ago, and couldn't wait to try them out. I am one of those freaks who does kegels all the time anyway, so I figured it would be nice to have a ben-wa ball type kegelcisor to enjoy while doing housework and so forth. I had read some complaints from users that these were too big and that the pattern on the balls was irritating, but since I enjoy bigger toys and textured condoms, I figured it wouldn't be an issue. Unfortunately, I find that these don't fit super comfortably if I insert them in a non-aroused state- the second balls rests too close to the vaginal entrance, and can give you an irritated feeling like you get when wearing a tampon too long. They would probably fit better if I was warmed up, but the point was to have something I could pop in any time and enjoy, so I would suggest getting the smaller ones or the single ball instead.

My other complaint was that wearing these while doing mundane tasks made me horny to the point of distraction, and it was actually kind of unpleasant! I could see this annoyance being used to great effect in a D/s situation, I do think they're a bit intense for regular day to day wear.

I also found these can be sort of annoying to clean, as, um, "gunk" tends to get caught in the many ridges and pockets on the balls' surface. The texture does add additional stimulation and aids in keeping the balls in place, but make sure you wash these thoroughly directly after use. They are silicone at any rate, so they can be boiled as well.

As kegelcisors, these are great, and they do feel really good, as one ball hits the a-spot, and the other hits the g-spot. I really liked inserting them and contracting around them during masturbation, and found I have very intense orgasms this way. They are also great as a larger insertable that will stay in place during oral or anal sex, or while topping during strap on play. So I do believe these are a worthwhile purchase, though maybe not for the use I intended them for.

Overall Grade: 7/10

Team USA will compete tomorrow to see who emerges victorious!

Exciting news!

2011-08-23T10:00:00.003-05:00

I am excited to announce that I will be presenting a paper entitled "No to the Flow: Rejecting Feminine Norms and the Reproductive Imperative through Hormonal Menstrual Suppression," at the "Moral Panics of Sexuality" conference at Arizona State University in Phoenix on October 7th, 2011. (Inspired by this blog post!)

I will be talking about how people freak out when ceasing to menstruate is presented as an option for women, how menstrual suppression can be used as a subtle form of transition for genderqueer people, and how rejecting fertility can be a radical choice for feminist women.

ITS GONNA BE OFF THE HOOK, YO.

Roman Scandal Does Denmark

2011-08-22T15:47:00.007-05:00

Hello my babies.

If I've been conspicuously absent for the past week, it was because I was in Copenhagen EXPLORING MY DANISH ROOTS and intentionally ignoring the internet! Also, wifi is not so plentiful there, even when you're paying through the nose for it, it doesn't always work.

I think Denmark (and presumably anywhere in Scandinavia) is a good starter country for European travels because almost everyone speaks English, it's relatively safe (ok, I did get mistaken for a hooker several times), and full of all the good things Europe has to offer: rad shopping, tasty food, beautiful people, gorgeous scenery, and so forth. I wish I'd had more than a week to explore!

Even though I lived as an expat in in Japan for 4 years, this was my first time in Europe, and I learned IMPORTANT THINGS! I humbly offer you ROMAN SCANDAL'S GUIDE TO DOING DENMARK.

Stuff to bring:

Laptop (even if the wifi sucks, you're still going to need internet on occasion, and I could never figure out how to use the @ mark on Danish computers). My American AT&T cell phone had service in Europe, albeit quite expensive (I should have planned ahead with this, but my parents got me set up with an international texting plan while I was there, which helped). Oddly, my Verizon smart phone didn't work, so I used it as a camera instead. (Yes, I have two phones, business phone and pleasure phone, baby). Bring a power converter if you're coming from a non-EU country.

A travel buddy. You'll probably have more fun if you bring someone with you, just make sure it's someone who is fun to travel with! (I was very lucky in this regard, as you can see!)

Ladies with mustaches became a recurrent theme on this trip.

Walking shoes, and a spare pair of walking shoes. Copenhagen is small enough that you can pretty much walk everywhere. My first night in CPH I wore my least comfy heels (for an event), then my comfy-er heels the next day to impress a cute boy, not realizing we'd be walking a lot, and my feet were killing me. So the next day I wore my most comfy walking shoes, and the strap broke, so I went and bought a different pair of comfy shoes by the Danish brand Green Comfort (I had planned on going shoe shopping anyway, Danish shoes are awesome) which gave me blisters. At which point I resorted to wearing flip flops (which I'd brought for the shower) until I managed to track down a shoe repair place near Norreport Station (they did good work and fixed my broken strap in 5 minutes for about $4 USD!)

Awesome, if blister inducing shoes.

My Danish cousin also tipped me off to a line of miracle blister bandaids called Compeed, available at the drug store chain Matas, which is currently running an ad campaign featuring a lady with a mustache (?!) If you need actual medicine, you have to go to another drug store called Apoteke. Go figure.

Cash (to convert to Kronor at the airport) and debit/credit cards (for taking out more cash /paying for things). Bring lots of cash, shit is on average twice as expensive as in the US. Call your credit card company in advance to warn them you're traveling, and more importantly, GET THEM TO GIVE YOU A PIN FOR YOUR CREDIT CARD. I had a kerfuffle at a mom n pop shoe store because they expected me to have a pin for my credit card, which I didn't, and my bank wouldn't give me one over the phone. Bigger stores tend not to have problems with this, but you might as well cover your ass.

All the medicines you need, in bottles with the scrips on them, plus first aid kit with bandaids, disinfectant wipes, and common remedies. I almost never take antiacids or ibuprofen in the US, so I didn't bring any, which by Murphy's Law meant I needed them while abroad. You can get a lot of this stuff at Apoteke, but I was dismayed to discover you can't get zinc throat lozenges, which I swear by when I feel like I'm getting sick (which tends to happen when I travel since it's the only time I ever allow myself to smoke.) Also bring whatever condoms and lube you like if you plan on getting lucky- you can get some stuff at the drug store or sex shops, but the condoms are allegedly bad and the lube full of glycerine. And of course, bring sex toys if you're a perv like me!

Stuff for making your own coffee (I brought Starbucks Via, which I normally wouldn't bother with) if you are a heavy coffee drinker, because a cup of coffee can run you as much as $10. Of course, it's always nice to sit in cafes and drink expensive coffee anyway, so budget accordingly. I found they had good strong drip coffee most places if you are not an espresso fan.

Stuff to do:

Find a cute local to show you around. I suppose you could find a non-cute local to show you around, but historical monuments are so much more fun when you have someone to make out with someone in front of them.

Figure out the monetary system. If you're used to USD, this means dividing prices by 5 to get an approximate dollar amount. The bills come in 50kr (~$10) 100kr (~$20) 200kr (~$50) and 500kr (~$100). I found places were good about making change, I bought a hot dog with a 500kr bill one time. The coins are initially confusing- there are gold coins and there are silver coins with holes in them, and sometimes they'll accidentally give you Swedish coins. Smallest silver coin is 1kr (~20 cents), medium is 2(~40 cents), biggest is 5($1). Small gold coin is 10kr (~$2) and big gold coin is 20kr ($4). There's also a copper 50 øre coin (half a krone, about 10 cents), but you probably won't get many of those. Also, the silver coins have little hearts on them, which is fucking adorable and would totally never happen with US currency.

Figure out the train system. I never did, so can't help you there. But they have English speaking station agents, so you can always ask for help. Whatever, walking is good exercise.

Things to eat and drink: licorice and gummi candy (which they call "winegums"). 7-11s have bulk candy bins! I liked the "Vampyre" bat shaped candies because they have little gummi dicks! Licorice and herbal flavored schnapps like Fisk (wish I had bought a bottle), Aquavit (caraway flavored liquor) and bitters/snaps, all of which are a bit intense, but I have a *sophisticated* palette which means I love things that are bitter/licorice-y/salty. I don't drink a lot of beer, and I found the Carlsberg and Tuborg beers a bit common for my tastes (they're just basic fizzy yellow lagers), but they're definitely better than Miller or Budweiser. Bacon wrapped sausages from the Pølser stands! Licorice and marzipan chocolate ice cream topped with whipped cream, strawberry sauce and chocolate covered marshmallows! Frokost (lunch) buffet, full of delicious meats and cheeses and salads and rye bread and potatoes! Smørrebrød open-faced sandwiches! (Sadly, Ida Davidsen, allegedly the best smørrebrød place in the world was closed due to flooding, but I ate some pretty tasty ones regardless.)

Eat lots of wienerbrød! Lakagehuset is a good bakery chain for breakfast pastries (even thought the counter girl was mean to me), and there's an Andersen Bakery by Tivoli, which is funny because the chain was also all over Japan when I lived there. There are also lots of mom and pop bakeries that have little pretzel signs hanging over the awnings, even though they don't sell pretzels. I ate wienerbrød ("danishes") or kanelsnegl (cinnamon rolls lit. "cinnamon snails") for breakfast every morning, which is how I maintain my girlish figure.

Get a free city map from the tourist center near Tivoli so you can mark it up with a pen.

Go to Tivoli. Corny but adorable, kind of like the old-school rides at Disneyland merged with a beautiful park where you can hear live music. Also, this:

I call this one "The Little Mermaid's Revenge."

Go to a Copenhagen Burlesque event. Cheap it is not, but lots of fun and beautiful people in costumes in a gorgeous old theater! And if you're lucky, this might happen:

Getting my corset tightlaced by three ladies at once? Ooh la la!

Take a train somewhere. I was irrationally intimidated by the train/bus system and wound up walking everywhere, but I did take a 40 minute train ride out to Humlebæk to visit the incredible Louisiana Museum of Modern Art. Even if you're not a big art person, this is a nice place to visit because the expansive grounds overlook the ocean (seriously, I did yoga on the lawn for an hour), and the lunch buffet was one of the best I ate while I was there. If you leave from Central Station you can buy a special roundtrip excursion ticket that also covers the cost of admission for about 170kr (~$30ish). Other potential day trips I didn't do but were suggested to me were Odense for the Hans Christian Andersen Museum, Roskilde for the Viking Ship Museum, or Malmö to say you've been to Sweden. (Apparently Danes tend to go to Malmö on Sunday because more things are open there and some things are cheaper, but I've also heard it's super boring there.)

Go on a canal tour. All the locals I encountered recommended this, and it was thoroughly enjoyable, plus you get a glimpse at the sort of underwhelming Little Mermaid statue (I liked the statue of a bull fighting a sea serpent in front of city hall much better!). It's cheapest if you catch the boat at Holmensbro.

Stuff not to do:

Don't expect to acquire fluency in Danish, or even be able to pronounce anything correctly. This goes against my trying not to be an ugly American, and I did learn some basics (Hello, Goodbye, Yes, No, Thank You, Do you speak English?, etc.) I find when working on pronunciation it is better NOT to look at how it's spelled, because it isn't logical to native English speakers and will melt your brain. I pride myself on being able to pick up foreign languages easily, but Danish HUMBLED me. I was able to figure out a lot of written vocab, however, because of its closeness to German, which helped with buying snacks at 7-11 and whatnot. But here's the deal: most Danes speak fabulous English, and it's kind of an honorary second language because most visitors from even non-English speaking countries will use it to communicate in Denmark. So don't feel too bad about speaking English all the time.

Don't try to hit all the tourist attractions in one day. It's not worth it. Pick one thing you really want to do, then wander aimlessly and eat delicious things. Trust me on this.

Don't freak out if they don't stamp your passport. Apparently some Euro countries are lax about this, and I freaked out (there were not customs agents at the "nothing to declare" line) but had zero difficulties leaving Europe/Re-entering the US. Also, buy all the booze you want at duty free and don't worry about US customs as long as you declare it. I brought back 4 bottles of Danish/Icelandic booze and they didn't tax me for it.

Don't go wandering through the red light district unaccompanied in high heels and a short skirt (It was my first night in town and I was going to a club!) as letchy dudes will assume you are a hooker and try to buy the pussy. (I also had some IRL hookers tell me I looked sexy, which was awesome!) Don't attempt to bring a gentleman friend home to your hotel room in the red light district as the night clerk will assume you are a hooker and make your "trick" pay for his own room. :(

Don't try to go shopping after 7pm, eat lunch after 2pm, and dinner after 9pm. Shit closes early here. (At least it seemed that way, but it could be because I was on vacation and hence running on a later schedule). There doesn't seem to be much to do in the evenings Sun-Weds. Also, very few shops are open on Sunday.

Don't go to the Goth Club Faust. I actually saw it advertised in the tourist center, and it was only a block from where we were staying, so we went to check it out, but it didn't seem to exist. :( If you CAN find it, let me know!!!

Don't go shopping for sex toys. (This is definitely a dil-don't! hahaha) I wasn't that impressed by the selection (there are no Danish sex toy companies, though Lelo is based in Sweden) and it was markedly more expensive than what I would pay in the US. However, there are tons of sex toy shops around Istegade and a woman-friendly place by city hall called Lust that was recommended to me if you want to pick something up anyway.

Don't eat pølser (sausages) twice in one night. I got a late start on a Tuesday night, ate a pølse at 9pm before drinking a bit, then ate another pølse at midnight. My sweat smelled like hot dog the next morning, and the smell of the carts made me want to vomit for the rest of the trip.

Don't expect decent service. Wait staff even seemed vaguely annoyed when I asked for the check. The upside of this is you don't have to tip.

Don't expect strangers to be friendly. I live in a Midwestern city were people are more outgoing and chatty than your average metropolis, so I'm spoiled. Also, I spent many years in Japan, where I was considered an exotic novelty, and random people in bars were eager to grab my boobs and try their English on me. This is not the case in Denmark, especially since I pass for a Dane but don't actually speak the language. People tend to be sort of super outspokenly cranky at times, like the counter girl at Lakagehuset who got really bitchy when my arm accidentally touched the cake sample on the counter. (That said, I encountered some super rude and horrible French and American travelers at my hotel, and an extremely bitter American expat, so there ya go.) The first few days I kind of felt like "ZOMG PEOPLE ARE SO MEEEAN AND FROSTY" and then realized it's kind of just a cultural difference. Most of the Danes I met on my trip were people I'd previously established rapport with on online forums (because I'm a nerd), and were all exceedingly lovely people. This is also why it's a good idea to travel with a friend- you might be a bit lonely otherwise. I have some friends who are really good at traveling alone and linking up with other random travelers on the way, but that's never really been my thing. (And of course, one of these friends found out that the cool guys she was traveling with around Bosnia were heroin smugglers.)

Don't expect lines to move quickly. Everything kind of moves more slowly here. People have a tendency to randomly block sidewalks and entrances while having a leisurely conversation. I spent about 15 minutes waiting to order a drink in a not-so-long line at a club, at which point an American Expat instructed me that I just needed to "push past the Danes" (way to be an asshole, but I kind of understand how the sentiment might develop over the years).

In closing: Denmark is awesome!!! (Although a lot of self-deprecating Danes were like "why did you bother visiting here?" BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME. The end.)

Good things come in 11" packages

2011-08-12T00:33:00.002-05:00

OH MAN.

I got an amazing package of goodies in the mail from EdenFantasys yesterday. I got the Tristan Butt Plug (center), Fun Factory's Smart Balls Teneo Duo (at left), a Sportsheets Leather Blindfold (foreground), and...the new KING AND MASTER OF MY SEX TOY COLLECTION....

Njoy's Eleven.

(It's the big metal one that comes with its own PURSE. I think the purse is a consolation prize for the fact that the toy is $300. I like to pretend I bought a designer purse, and it just *happened* to have an 11" solid steel dildo inside.)

As you may remember, Njoy's Pure Wand is my pussy's new best friend. As a size queen, how could I resist acquiring the Pure Wand's 11" monster of a big brother? This thing is a gorgeous beast. It looks like something a robotic horse otherkin nerd would covet. It's basically a solid steel stallion cock. Of amazingness.

Tragically, I have been extremely busy this week, and am flying to Denmark tomorrow and don't want to risk taking a $300 blunt weapon in my luggage, so I probably won't get to review this bad boy for a few more weeks.

However, I did immediately run to the bathroom and pop the Smart Balls in as soon as I got them. They're even conveniently packaged with a single serving packet of lube, as if they know people with poor impulse control (like me!) can't resist shoving them up their snatch until they get home. I had planned to wear these for the duration of my overseas flight, but became so horny within a few hours of going about my daily business with them that it was borderline uncomfortable. I am definitely using my new blindfold as a kinky sleep mask on the plane, though...

Annnnd, speaking of international travel, I will definitely be checking out the toys (and the boys!) in Copenhagen in preparation for the next chapter of the Sex Toy Smackdown series, THE SEX TOY WORLD CUP. Yes, sex toys from all over the world will be competing to get me off. Round one will pit the aforementioned German Smart Balls against USA's Venus Butterfly in a gripping mano-a-mano of discreet toys perfect for secret pleasures while running errands!

It's OK to be Fat.

2011-08-10T11:24:00.012-05:00

Welcome to part three in the "It's OK" series, which re-examines complicated identities in a transformative light. Potentially triggering for some folks, so read at your own discretion.

Read part one, "It's OK to be a feminist," here.

Read part two, "It's OK to be a drama queen (sometimes)," here.

Last summer, I lost 25 pounds on what I've dubbed the "shit's fucked up diet."

Life was BAAAAD. My crazy ex was stalking me. I moved twice, first to evade stalker ex, then again when my crazy landlord flipped out and refused to give me a working refrigerator. I broke up with my boyfriend in the midst of this hell, but kept fucking him for all the wrong reasons. All my attempts to seek help led nowhere, or made things worse. It was so hot in my apartment that I wanted to die, and I had to walk up and down three flights of stairs to get ice, or even food.

I tried to stay positive, but I was too deep in the muck to keep my head above water. My digestive system shut down, and I could barely eat. My stomach hurt all the time. I lost 25 pounds in 2 months. For the first time in my life, I simply didn't want to eat. The weight fell off me like crazy. And that was the thrilling upside of it all- I could fit my old pants! WOOOHOOO!

Nevermind the fact that I lost all this weight because my life had fallen apart and I didn't have a working refrigerator. I felt guilty about feeling happy about it, but I kind of did.

In fall, everything changed. I moved into a new apartment, with a working refrigerator. I broke up with my ex for good, and dropped some other toxic people from my life. I found the help I needed. Brazilian Maik took me out for a $300 steak dinner, and I enjoyed it. I felt in control again, and happy.

I managed to maintain this weight loss for about a year by exercising regularly. Then something happened around my 31st birthday. I ate a lot of cake. I went on vacation, and ate some more. I was too busy to hit the gym as often as I used to. Moreover, I didn't want to go to the gym, which was unlike me. And in two months, over half of that weight I'd lost in the summer of horrible misery came piling back on. My pants were tight again. And I panicked, but there didn't seem to be anything I could bring myself to do about it. All of my conscious attempts to lose weight over the years have failed, or been short lived. It's as if my weight loss is dictated by external circumstances beyond my control.

I guess you could say from some weird psychological perspective, gaining back the weight I lost when my life was so horrible was kind of a healthy thing. But I was devastated. It felt like my body had turned on me. But let's get real- it's not like I faced any less prejudice as a size 18 than a size 20. Why did I feel undesirable when I still weighed less than I had during two long term relationships with men who loved my body the way it was?

My body issues are as complex as any American woman's. I am proud of my body. I love doing yoga and lifting weights at the gym. I wear a bikini to the beach even though society would prefer I cover up my rolls and cellulite (I am lucky that there have been lots of gender queer and body positive beach meet-ups in Chicago this summer!) I love dressing up in ways that make me feel beautiful. I self-identify as fat, and I am honest about my weight, because I think people lie about their weight so much that nobody knows what 150 or 250 pounds looks like anymore. I refuse to let being fat stand in the way of the things I want to do.

But fuck, it's hard. My ideal weight isn't 120, or a size 6. It's 190, and a size 14, the weight I was when I left Japan six years ago. But that's still over 50 pounds away from where I am now. 50 pounds that probably aren't going anywhere anytime soon. And even when I was 190 pounds, I still felt like I wasn't good enough in the eyes of society.

So, I am dealing with getting these extra 15 pounds back, and learning to accept and love myself the way I am, instead of feeling like a failure. Feeling bad about oneself is never productive on any level.

Every time I describe myself as fat, people who are not up on fat positive culture will say things like, "nooo, you're not fat, you're just not thin." BITCH PLEASE, I AM FAT. As Marilyn Wann has famously stated, fat is an adjective, not an insult. I appreciate compliments, but I don't need a euphemism to describe my body. I HATE "zaftig" and "rubenesque." I am fat. It is a body type, NOT an insult or an indicator of low self esteem. Deal with it.

OTOH, fuck the label "obese." Obese is a MEAN word, and revisions to the BMI have put loads of healthy, beautiful people in this category of a word that sounds greasy, demeaning, and disgusting. Obese is strangers commenting on what you buy at the grocery store. Obese is being forced to buy a second plane ticket for the crime of being fat. Obese is fat jokes that are still considered socially acceptable when racial slurs and gay bashing aren't.

A label I am surprisingly ok with, however, is BBW (Big Beautiful Woman, BHM is Big Handsome Man, and I'm sure this can be adapted to a variety of other gender identities. I guess I am a BBA- Big Beautiful Androgyne!) I know a lot of people don't like BBW because it seems objectifying or ghettoizing. However, I feel like it is one of the few ways that mainstream society knows how to express positive appreciate for fat women. BBW indicates that a woman is attractive because of, rather than in spite of, her size. Fetishization is obviously creepy, but mainstream society acknowledging that fat people are sexy and desirable instead of disgusting pariahs is important progress, and I think there's value in this term.

Sometimes body-acceptance and body love can feel like a full time job, regardless of size. I believe an important part of activism is acknowledging the issues, but then setting positive, attainable, transformative goals, and speaking about issues in a way that is accessible to a variety of people.

So, I present Roman Scandal's strategies for body positive living:

- Buy clothes that are flattering for your body if you have the bucks, and take the time for self care, whatever that means for you. Look good and feel good. Alter or throw away clothes that are too small or too big (unless your weight tends to fluctuate), or that you don't like wearing. I am fortunate enough to have a day job that allows me to buy expensive, sexy shoes that don't make my feet hurt, fancy body products from Lush, and regularly pick up new clothing pieces (I am shamelessly addicted to Forever 21's Plus Size "Faith 21" line, Ruche.com, and lacy panties from Target). These things are worth budgeting for. I also have various rituals like doing my nails every week, taking luxurious baths, and moisturizing every day because it makes me feel good.

- If you don't have a lot of cash, find or organize a plus size clothing swap, or trade with friends. Learning to sew your own clothes is also a great strategy. This is pretty much how I clothed myself during my broke journalist years.

-If you have big boobs, save up some money if you can, and go to Nordstroms where they will measure you properly and hook you up with gorgeous designer bras from Elomi and Freya. It's worth it.

-Read body positive books and blogs. I recommend Crystal Renn's "Hungry" and Marilyn Wann's Fat?So! as a place to start.

- Make friends with body positive people. Find or start body positive organizations in your area. (Check out this dance party happening in Chicago tonight!)

-Make peace with food and exercise. This is a tricky one, as we're constantly pressured to eat a certain way and exercise TO BE THIN, but the trick is finding a way to enjoy your food, enjoy exercise, and lead a healthy lifestyle without getting caught up in "doing it to lose weight." You can do it to feel good, be healthy, and love yourself.

-Find role models- people whose body looks like your body, that you consider beautiful. This can be challenging if you look to Hollywood, where many plus-size beauties end up caving to dieting pressure.Two of my favorite BBWs are actually porn stars- Kelly Shibari and April Flores. They exist in a niche of an industry where their size is an asset, not a liability. They are also incredible women! There are lots of great Tumblrs that celebrate different kinds of beauty, so that may be a good place to start.

-Get comfortable with dressing sexy and getting naked.This may not be for everyone, but it can be incredibly liberating. I am a lingerie and lipstick lover, but everyone has their personal definition of sexy.

-Don't worry about what other people think about your body. It's not something you can control.

-Have someone take awesome pictures of you that re-affirm your self-image. (The one above was done during a shoot with the fabulous @acameraobscura on Fetlife).

-Only date/fuck people who think you are sexy exactly the way you are. You don't have to put up with no bullshit.

Do you have suggestions for body positive blogs, books, or lifestyle choices? Leave them in the comments!

Fisting for fun and profit

2011-08-04T13:28:00.001-05:00

I've written a two-part series about fisting for Eden Cafe. Check it out here, especially if you view fisting as terrifying and impossible, yet are secretly compelled to learn more about it.

ALSO! Retweet the article on Eden Cafe (there's a little link at the bottom) and you can enter to win some really badass vibrators!

Single Ladies/No Fit State

2011-08-03T12:31:00.003-05:00

I have my own version of Beyonce's "Single Ladies," and it goes like this:

"If you liked it, than you should have put some meat in it..."

I started from a discussion of what kind of pizza to order and devolved into a really dirty joke. Anyway...

I spent my twenties wondering if and when I'd finally feel like an adult. Now that I'm 31, I feel like an adult. I have a job that actually utilizes my skills, I have health insurance, and a one-bedroom apartment without roommates. I've lived abroad, have published articles and short stories for real money, have an accountant. I'm planning to return to grad school and start a serious career. I still can't drive, but that's more due to anxiety than a lack of responsibility. In a nutshell, I pretty much have my shit together.

But one thing that's been hard to cope with in these past few years is all my peers pairing off, moving away, getting married, buying houses and having babies. I don't want any of these things right now (except maybe the moving away) but it's confusing to watch everyone do these things while I linger on the sidelines, scratching my head. (I realize my friends are not trying to freak me out by doing all these things. It's just confusing to be not part of this social movement that almost everyone I love is doing but me. I feel left behind even though I don't want to ride the ride.)

I decided in my late twenties that it was time to settle down, and embarked on three back-to-back trainwrecks of attempted committed relationships that made me super unhappy. I think someday I will be happy in a committed relationship, but I think the person will come to me on their own time, rather than deciding I want a serious partnership and trying to shoehorn the wrong person into that relationship model. I think in some regards I fell into these relationships because dating can be so disappointing and crappy, and the second you find someone who seems ok it's easy to want to just start a relationship with them. It takes a lot of energy to be single and dating (the alternative is not dating, which is low-effort but sort of boring after a while), but it's also easy to fall into a rut of misery within an established relationship.

I sometimes wondering if I'm just un-commitable, that I'm too fat, too fickle, too independent, too kinky, too bossy, too together, too(insert other supposedly undesirable quality for a woman who dates men). Meeting life partners Fakir Musafar and Cleo Dubois was valuable for me, as it showed me that two super unconventional people can meet and form a long term romantic partnership. It's the being patient that's hard. I don't want children, so thankfully I'm liberated from that particular time limitation.

I find myself identifying way too much with old episodes of Sex in the City, and I think it's because I'm so starved for the company of single people to bond with. I've had to let several single female friends go for violating the chicks before dicks rule. I don't care if I'm seeing a dude non-exclusively, if you're my friend, you need to talk to me before trying to fuck the dudes I'm fucking. I've also dealt with jealousy from friends who resent that they get more play than they do (pro-tip: I do the work to get it.)I guess I need to make single female friends who have their own established sex lives and have radically different taste in men than I do.

At any rate, I feel a little sad when I never get to see certain friends one on one anymore (unless their SO is out of town), or I barely see them at all because their relationship/house/baby/whatever is the biggest priority in their life. This is a legit choice for them and I respect it, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss them.

I really love being single. I love the freedom to be as selfish as I want to be, to have lots of interesting sex and not worry about whether or not I get to do the thing I want to do on Saturday night or go where I want to go on vacation. I would honestly rather spend my time being mundane alone, and have the time I spend with lovers be really exciting and special. I love all the self-care and excellent life choices I've made since I'm not spending all my time pouring a lot of emotional energy into trying to make things work when they aren't.

I don't even want a cat. Hell, I probably don't give my plant as much attention as he deserves.

There is this level when being true to yourself instead of the dominant paradigm is super lonely, but as Marilyn Monroe famously said: “It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.”

I should really follow this up with a super pro-singlehood post to lighten things up. Noone ever said being an adult was easy.

At any rate, here's a "solodarity" mixtape I made that you might enjoy.

"I'm in no fit state
I'm in no fit shape
To fall in love with you
To make a record of my life
To lose any more than I need
To watch my fingers bleed
To bust my body up
To drink out of your cup
To act a fool in love
Acting hard's been tough"

It's OK to be a drama queen (sometimes)

2011-08-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

"It's OK" is a new series on School For Scandal to re-examines controversial identities in a positive/transformative light. Suggestions for a theme? Leave it in the comments!

In case you didn't know, Roman Scandal is way into astrology. I have moon in Leo, which means I have a NOT SO SECRET DRAMA QUEEN STREAK. I don't think this is a bad thing, necessarily because it means I have lived an "interesting life," in the Chinese curse sense of the word. Part of it is I'm a writer and I like having stories. Part of it is I'm crazy, though I've mellowed a bit in old age.

The Sun entered Leo on July 22nd, making this a great time to talk about the drama that Leo craves. If you want an example of an archetypical Leo drama queen, think of Madonna. Fire sign people in general (Sagittarius, Aries, Leo) love to run around and get CRAY CRAY. Leo is fixed (stable) fire so they tend to be the most predictable of the fire signs, but they also tend to crave constant adoration, excitement and glamour. Leo is the sign of the King, the Artist, the Actor and the Child, they will buy you bling but get mad if you don't seem sufficiently impressed by it. Leos are frequently average-attractive (again, Madonna) but insanely sexy on the basis of their regal charisma and intimidating confidence. Samantha Jones was probably a Leo. So yeah, this sign rules my planet of emotion, in the uber sex-and-death oriented 8th house. FUN TIMES.

Leos need a modicum of drama to thrive and survive. We are fucking lions, proud and regal as fuck, the sun shines out of our behinds, and we eat bitches for dinner. Deal with it. We're also insanely generous, sexy, entertaining, and brave. People put up with our shit because they love living vicariously through us. There are lambs enough in this world.

26-year-old Madonna at her Leonine finest. Watch her eloquently dress down mustachioed goon John Oates at 1:15. Drama Queen? Yes. Is she right, though? YES.

Recently I was in the car with Brazilian Maik (who is a Sagittarius) and I started tell him about how when I was fifteen, an editor at (name redacted for legal reasons)porn magazine used to call me up and try to get me to talk about my (non-existent) lesbian experimentation.

"Roman," Maik said, "If I didn't know you, I'd think you were lying, because you have so many of these crazy stories. But now I just know that you're Roman, and your life is just like that."

On the other hand, Maik frequently makes fun of me for talking about contact lenses, tax deductible expenses and dietary allergies a lot, but my sun is in practical, physical, money-minded Taurus, so I can't be exciting ALL THE TIME!!!

So here's the thing. I think I kind of hurt a friend's feelings last night when he said "I don't tolerate drama, I'm very anti drama," and I said "that's usually a red flag to me that a person has a lot of drama in their life." Dear friend, if you are reading this, it was not a judgment on your character, just me shooting my big, tactless, Aries ruled Mercury mouth. My point was that people who are truly low drama just are and don't need to proclaim it, and it's easy to see that through their actions. Personally, I do not claim to be low drama, but I am a self aware drama queen who seeks to manage her crazy in practical ways.

And here's the thing- if you're doing polyamory, kink, or other forms of alternative sexuality, you probably enjoy a tiny bit of drama, otherwise you'd probably be vanilla. Drama is one of those vague umbrella terms that sort of means any kind of (usually "negative") emotional intensity, which comes part and parcel with stepping outside of vanilla. People are going to deal with strong emotions when they share their committed partner with others (I will be blunt and say the people who claim they don't experience ANY jealousy in polyamory tend to have issues with empathy and intimacy, rather than actually being suuuuper emotionally mature people. Part of emotional maturity is being honest about experiencing hard feelings, not claiming that you don't have them). And then we have kink, which brings up all kinds of baggage for people when you're playing with intense physical sensations and potential emotional triggers. There's no way you can beat the shit out of/humiliate/stick needles in someone and act like it's totally casual and not ever gonna potentially bring up some emotional JUNK on both sides. If you are in the kink or poly scene you are dealing with a lot of slutty people in a relatively small community, and you are also going to run into exes, some of whom you may have done you wrong or hurt your feelings. So whatcha gonna do?

Sometimes "drama" means something is very wrong in a situation, and maybe feelings are being repressed until the blow up, or some shit is out of balance, and needs to be put back in balance. Some people are more emotionally intense or sensitive than others, some people are not as skillful at expressing and dealing with their own/other people's feelings as they'd like to be. So if we approach things with a zen mind, we can view drama as a tool for progress and growth instead of a way of ostracizing people.

So let's just admit that we're a bunch of fucking drama queens, some of us more than others. Let's quit saying "I don't do drama" and say "I do my best to manage the drama in my life," as a harm-reduction strategy because like assholes, we all have drama to some extent. And drama is actually what makes life interesting and fun sometimes.

Next time on IT'S OK: It's OK to be Kinky!

If my vag had a credit card...

2011-07-30T12:46:00.008-05:00

Last week Eden Cafe ran an article I wrote about finding and enjoying your A Spot, a secondary "G Spot" type erogenous zone located even deeper in the vag. (Read it. I promise this post will still be waiting when you get back.) I swear by my Pure Wand for simultaneous A and G Spot stimulation, but since this special zone still doesn't get a lot of attention from toy makers, I've decided to round up a selection of toys that *would* be good for A Spot stimulation for those who are interested in playing with this erogenous zone.

My personal criteria for a good A Spot toy is:

1. Curved.
2. Long.
3. All those other bells and whistles that make toys nice, such as body-safe materials, vibrating, rechargeable if it vibrates, etc...

I also don't recommend "rabbit" style toys for a spot stim as they're usually proportioned to hit the G Spot, not the A Spot.

Without further ado, I present....ROMAN'S A-SPOT WISHLIST.

1. The Nomi Tang Getaway Wild G Spot Vibrator
Curved? Yes.
Long? 8.5"
Price: $79.00
Bells and Whistles? Multispeed vibrations, Silicone, Waterproof, 2 other similar models available (the Getaway Pure and the Getaway Luxe, though the wild seems to have the most dramatic curve), fancy packaging, looks like an airplane!!!
Downside: Allegedly weak vibrations, has many of the features of a high end vibrator, but still runs on AAA batteries. My Form 4 and Hitachi have gotten me hooked on plug in/rechargeable vibes, I admit.

2. Jopen Vanity Vr9 G Spot Vibrator
Curved? On both sides!
Long? 9.75"!!
Price? $146-ish!!!
Bells and Whistles? Multispeed vibration, rechargable, silicone, rechargeable, travel-friendly with storage bag. I've been lusting for the Jopen product line for a while now. I confess it's partly because I secretly believe they're toy line is inspired by Prince- all their toys are purple (well, magenta?) and they have a toy called Vanity Vr6, which is SUSPICIOUSLY similar to Prince's girl band Vanity 6:

Anyway, the Vanity Vr9 looks AMAZING. Dual vibration, perfectly curved, all the amenties of a high end luxury vibe. WANT.
Downside: Pricy, as all great toys seem to be.

3. Phallix Galaxy Marble Glass G Spot Shaft
Curved? Intriguingly S-curved to hit the G and A spots simultaneously!
Long? 7" which is about the minimum I recommend for A spot toys (you need enough length to bottom out and still have enough to work with), though this looks like most of its length would be insertable.
Price: $74ish
Bells and Whistles? It's glass! I've been wanting to try a glass toy for a long time, and I enjoy my hard steel toys and glass has many similar properties- heat sensitive, easy to clean, and pretty. Comes in a fancy storage bag!
Downside: Some people don't like hard toys. I DO.

Want to see my complete A-Spot wishlist and/or buy me a present? ;) Check it out here at Edenfantasys!

It's OK to be a feminist.

2011-07-29T10:18:00.005-05:00

Bill Bailey is a feminist.

I hear a lot of smart, powerful women say things like "I'm not a feminist," or "I'm not sure if I'm a feminist," and it's exasperating to me.

Friends, a feminist is NOT the man hating analogue of a misogynist.

When I was 16 years old, a male (interestingly) history teacher broke it down for me:

"All that being a feminist means is that you believe men and women are equal, and deserve equal rights."

That's all it means, and it's all it has to mean for you, if you like. But you are a probably a feminist, even if the label scares you. I know there is a lot of intimidating dogma and extremist views around what it means to be a feminist. Anyone who tells you that you have to do anything more than believe that men and women are equal is projecting their agenda onto you, and you can still call yourself a feminist even if you don't subscribe to their ideology.

You can shave off all your body hair, wear lipstick and high heels and be a feminist.

You can be a man and be a feminist.

You can be a BD/SM submissive, even a female slave owned by a male master, and be a feminist.

You can be a stay at home mom and be a feminist.

You can disagree with what you read on Jezebel or Feministing and still be a feminist.

But please, call yourself a feminist. Teach people that feminist is not a dirty word, and it doesn't mean you hate men, or judge people whose lifestyles are different from your own. It doesn't automatically mean you think women are better than men. It just means you are you, and you love women as humans and want to see them enjoy human equality.

Feminism is not keeping you from anything you are/do unless you are in fact a misogynist. In which case, I encourage you rethink your views, for your momma's sake, if nobody else's.

From Compton With Love: A True Story

2011-07-27T10:39:00.001-05:00

(That's a map of Bloods vs. Crips territory in South Central, if you're curious.)

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my love of G Funk and Gay Dre.

Today, let me share the story of my first and only visit to South Central LA.

My geographical concept of Los Angeles is admittedly limited. I went to school in a sleepy tax shelter village in LA County, but depended on my adorable hearse-driving ex-boyfriend to drive me around. Shameful fact: I'm 31 and still don't have a driver's license, and am actually terrified of driving.

Anyway, one balmy LA Spring night in 2002, me and a couple of baby dyke pals drove to Fais Do Do (which is Creole for "fall asleep," I don't know who decided that was a good name for nightclub) to see the now defunct lesbo duo Bitch and Animal (imagine a queer, dreadlocked love child of Joanna Newsome and Ke$ha paired with the human incarnation of everyone's favorite drum playing muppet.) This show was my first exposure to the LA dyke scene outside of my tiny liberal arts school, and I was shocked to discover that LA butches really do wear lipstick and eyeliner, so the L Word is not really as far fetched as you might think. (A few months later, me and other members of the school's queer collective would wind up in an Hollywood stripclub called "Jumbo's Clown Room" with dykon Michelle Tea, but that's another story for another time.)

ANYWAY.

After the show, I decided we needed to go to Canter's 24-hour Jewish Deli in Hollywood, since my cohorts weren't old enough to drink, but we didn't want to go home yet. Canter's is weird. It's equally populated by elderly Jewish people, hipsters, and C-list celebrities, and has a 1950's diner feel. The food is simultaneously kind of gross and kind of good, they have a deli and a bakery that sells hamentaschen and chocolate babka. I seem to always wind up here AFTER something as it's not really a destination in and of itself- after an Einsturzende Neubaten show, after I appeared on the Tyra Banks Show as a "Gay Man Trapped In A Woman's Body," and on this night, after Bitch and Animal.

These were the days before smart phones, and I guess we didn't have a map, because I was expected to navigate our way to Canter's even though I didn't drive. I knew which freeway we had to take but not the direction, so unsurprisingly, we went the wrong way. We pulled off the Freeway and pulled into a Gas Station to look at a map. On the way we were propositioned to "party" with a couple of thugtastic youths upon whom our queer semiotics of buzzcuts and pit hair were completely lost.

The gas station was locked, so we proceeded to a nearby Ralph's Supermarket where I was able to find a map in the back of a phone book, while my friend purchased plastic "hillbilly teeth" from one of those quarter-operated toy dispensers.

"Compton...Inglewood...Watts...Holy shit, I know where we are!!! WE'RE IN A DR. DRE SONG!!!"

I might have said this a little too loudly, because everyone in the checkout line turned around and stared at the overly enthusiastic group of white dykes lost in South Central.

We got back on the freeway, ate our blintzes at Canter's, and according to a sleazy dude buying cookies at the bakery, Andrew Dice Clay had been sitting in the booth next to us.

Douche: still not feminist, I don't care what ad agency you hire

2011-07-26T22:14:00.002-05:00

<---I saw this ad during my swanky pre-GRE hotel room retreat last Friday night (I don't own a TV at home because I'm an elititist jerk who doesn't own a TV and streams Trueblood on my computer, but that means I watch the fuck out of TV when I stay at a hotel). I thought it was an ad for some summer action blockbuster film at first, but....douche? Has there been a worse ad targeting vaginas since the HPV WILL KILL YOU IF YOU DONT GET GARDASIL campaign of 2010? (For the record...Gardasil came out when I was 27, which means my insurance wouldn't cover it. So fuck you, Merck.)

Where was I? I've had one of those fancy lady cocktails I blogged about in my last post so forgive me if I've gone off topic. While I appreciate the VAGINA MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND theme of this douche commercial, I think instead of showing a lady buying VAGINA WASH in the grocery store when they say "Come on ladies! Show it a little love!" They should show the same woman jacking off with a Hitachi Magic Wand.

They should also make a version where they say "Come on guys! Show it a little love!" with a dude going down on that lady.

If anyone wants to edit these sequences into the existing ads for me, I'll bake you cookies.

Summer Fancy Lady Drink: Rose Sangria

2011-07-24T13:47:00.000-05:00

Sangria is maybe my favorite summer drink because it's boozy, sweet but not noxiously so, and full of fresh summer fruit and antioxidants from the wine.

(Bulgarian rose beverage from my corner store. It's really good!)

I also have an unapologetic love for floral-flavored foods and beverages such as lavender, violet and rose. And I also love a good rosé wine, which makes me a kind of stereotypical femme in her 30s, but whatever. So I decided to combine these two wonderful rose things to make a fancy summer drink!

Recipe:
1 bottle rosé wine (I like Trader Joe's reserve rosé but you can use 3 Buck Chuck White Zin if you're feeling cheap)
2 tbsp. rose syrup or 1 tbsp rosewater+2 tbsp simple syrup (Monin and some middle eastern brands make rose syrup, or you can try your hand at making your own by boiling equal parts water, white sugar and rose petals)
Juice of one lemon
4 oz. Vodka (if you want a boozier Sangria)
1-2 cups fresh or frozen strawberries, raspberries, peaches, watermelon or other fruit (I don't recommend oranges for this one)
Ice
Seltzer water

Mix the wine, syrup and lemon juice, add the fresh fruit and refrigerate. Serve over ice with seltzer water to taste.

CLASSY AS FUCK.

And here are a couple of summer mix tapes I made to enjoy for you to enjoy while you chillax with your beverage.

Meet your A Spot!

2011-07-24T11:12:00.000-05:00

The erogenous zone you may have already had and didn't know what to call...

The is the first in a series of Sex Ed articles I'm doing for Eden Cafe, so check it out...

Andro Lust, Part 2.

2011-07-22T11:14:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday, my loves.

Austrailian/Serbo-Croation Model Andrej Pejic. Yes, please.

Hong Kong actress Anita Yuen. She was in a bunch of movies where she wore men's clothes as plot point. HAWT.

Bulgarian Chalga Singer Azis. (Chalga is a very dirty sort of Romany folk-pop. My Bulgarian intern says the lyrics offend her, poor lamb.) He is sort of like a cross between a bear, a drag queen and a radical faerie, and I'm into it. His music is rad (YouTube it), and he ran for Parliament but lost. (Incidentally, pornstar/ Jeff Koons' babymomma Cicciolina is a member of Italian parliament and continues to make dirty films while in office. If a Catholic country can have a porn star politician, why are we freaking out about Anthony's weiner? Anyway, I digress.)

When I say Big, you say Freedia! When I say Queen, you Say Diva! When I say Dick, you say Eater!

LOVE HER.

Elly Jackson of La Roux, by special request.

Hong Kong actor Leslie Cheung, a notorious bisexual who killed himself because he didn't want to get old and stop being pretty. That's some serious dedication to being hot.

Joyce Hyser in "Just One of the Guys." She looked so much better as a boy, and the girls at her high school think so too, comparing her to sexy 80s sex symbols Ralph Macchio and Elvis Costello. (Have you seen Ralph Macchio lately? He is the ageless Dorian Grey of 80's teen cinema!)

Anonymous Teddy Girls of 1950s London? If you don't know about the Teddy Girls, you'd best ask somebody. They were sort of like pre-rockabilly Edwardian androgynous style goddesses. My ex bf once told me I looked like a Teddy Girl and I swooned with happiness.

Michelle Pfeiffer by Herb Ritts. Although she is ridic hot in general, she is usually not so Andro, but I adore this pic so here it is!

Got a special request for round 3? Leave it in the comments!

Hetero Queerness on the web this week...

2011-07-21T19:14:00.002-05:00

(public art by Pratt Beach, artist unknown...)

"My two friends decided that it (heteroqueer) meant any heterosexual who is totally comfortable with their sexuality; that gay sex can happen right in front of them and it doesn’t phase them at all. Heteroqueers are also the straight people that are part of the gay-rights movement."
-From "Word of the Week: Heteroqueer" by Lady Dream Kitten on Eden Cafe

(I also like the word "queercentric" for what she describes above. My personal heteroqueer identity is less about being an ally and more about being an other-gender-loving person who still identifies more with queer than hetero as a sexual orientation, but it's still a nice piece.)

"'I can not believe this is happening between a man and woman.'This thought swells in my mind every time I'm with her. My hard, black cock dangles from between my thighs. At the same instance, her small white wrist does the same as her fist makes it that much deeper inside. Heterosexuality is redefined for me with every thrust. Masculinity and power becomes disassociated, as I keep my manhood intact as she takes control."

-From "Queer Heterosexuality" by Forbidden Light, Journals of an Intelsexual
<----THIS!!!

And whaddaya know- there's a whole wiki entry on Queer Heterosexuality! Who knew?

Pronoun-ciation

2011-07-20T17:08:00.001-05:00

I (understandably) get asked what pronouns I prefer to go by at Genderqueer events. I always tell people they can call me whatever they please, but I tend to default to she/her because I am a Femme even if I am an Androgyne (and if you don't know the difference between Femme and Female, you'd best ask somebody). I view my usage of female pronouns as a kind of Quentin Crisp-y old school British faggot thing, but this is lost on most folks as my faggotry is largely invisible to the general public.

ANYWAY.

I don't want to use male pronoun, because I am not a male, or strongly masculine in my androgyny. I find gender neutral pronouns like Ze/Zir a bit clunky for my personal tastes, they get stuck in my mouth. I sometimes feel like a genderqueer poser because I'm an XX Femme, I use my female birth name (I like using pseudonyms for writing but it feels weird to go by alternate names IRL, and I actually like my birth name a lot), and I use female pronouns. I am somewhat private about my genderqueerness because a lot of what makes me genderqueer is written on my soul, not my body, and I am very sensitive about being attacked for not being "queer enough," by the identity police. I feel safer being out online than in real life sometimes, like words offer a more accurate expression of my being than the physical container thingy on temporary loan known as my "body" that mostly serves as a meat vehicle, work horse and pleasure dome. People make assumptions based on my body that are much harder to make about me based on reading my words.

Today I figured out a way that I can have my pronouns match this physical:literary/soul dichotomy that I scramble with every day.

S/he and Hir.

The pronunciation stays the same, but on paper, the androgyny is acknowledged. And every day, when I am referred to as S/he and Hir under the guess of common female pronouns, I will smile because I know the true spelling that implies their androgyny.

Sex Toy Smackdown #2, Part Two: Great Masturbations

2011-07-18T10:43:00.004-05:00

Welcome to part two of this month’s Sex Toy Smackdown “Great Masturbations.” In this particular sex toy battle royale we are pitting two high end luxury toys against each other to see who emerges victorious- Jimmy Jane’s Form 4 Vs. NJoy’s Pure Wand.

The Pure Wand was one of those toys I didn’t understand until I actually used it (I got to borrow someone else’s before committing to buying it. I highly recommend making friends with people who will share their condom-wrapped, sterilized toys with you). It just looked sort of arty and pretentious to me. Oh, I was so wrong! Spoiler: the Pure Wand is going to win this thing. Because it is the BEST SEX TOY EVER.

Retail price: $108ish

Specs: 8" long, 1.5” diameter at thickest point, 1.5 pounds (!!!)

Appearance:
A heavy, curved, stainless steel wand capped with balls at both ends, sort of like a giant piece of piercing jewelry that Fakir Musafar would wear through his nipples. One ball is big and one ball is small. You pick an end to insert into a (non-mouth) orifice and use the other end as a handle to fuck yourself with.

The best part is that it comes in an elegant leatherette box with black velvet and pink satin lining, which makes for super classy and convenient storage!

Special features:
This toy is solid stainless steel which means it’s extremely easy to clean and sterilize. This also gives the Pure Wand a nice weight and pressure, and it retains heat or cold impressively well. It tends to get hot just from being used internally.

The Pure Wand be used vaginally or anally though it’s way too heavy for me to feel comfortable sticking it up my ass. I think this is probably a better anal toy for XY bodied people as it’s a g-spotter and probably hits the P-spot well.
Stylish as fuck and comes with its own fancy storage box.

And if you're looking for a sex toy that doubles as a weapon, this pretty much fits the bill. Imagine clocking an attacker with it!

Orgasmic Factor:
OH. MY. GOD.

I will preface this by saying I am super G and A spot oriented (I have an article about the A Spot coming out on Eden Cafe soon if you're not familiar with it). The Pure Wand is hands down the most intense and incredible G spot stimulation I have ever felt. The curve and weight of the toy work together to literally lock down the location of your g spot, and stimulate the fuck out of it. It works like this- the first inch or two of the vagina is the tightest and most muscular part of the canal, with the deeper part being more flexible and open (which also explains how fisting works). So basically the “ball” at the end this toy slides past the tight part onto the more flexible part, where it kind of hooks in and forms a seal where it won't easily slip out. The handle curves up and over the mons. As you pull on the toy, it catches on the tighter muscular part, which is where the G Spot is located, putting intense pressure on it. (It generally won’t slip out all the way like a normal dildo unless you are extremely wet and aroused.) As you fuck yourself with it, you’ll pretty much toggle back and forth between the A (in front of the cervix) and G spot, which is freaking amazing (some G spot toys are too short or shaped wrong to hit the A Spot, but the Pure Wand is perfect.) So if you are one of those people who are “not sure” if they have a G Spot, this is a pretty foolproof way to find out on your own, because you’ll quickly KNOW if you do. Of course, if you’re one of those people who really doesn’t have a G Spot, you’ll be pissed that you just dropped $100+, so see if you can try a friend's first.

If you’re already a member of the cult of G Spot Stimulation, get ready to MELT. This thing hits the spot like nothing else. Used in tandem with the magic wand, I cum under 2 minutes every time. YOW.

Another thing I like about this toy is it’s legitimately ergonomic and super easy on the wrists compared to fucking yourself with a standard dildo. Because the handle curves toward you, it’s really easy to fuck yourself with it without your hands and wrists getting tired from gripping it. The only problem is the handle curves over the clit, making it difficult to use with a vibrator. I suppose this would be ok if you're the type that can off on friction alone, but I generally need a vibe to cum. I quickly discovered how to angle the handle to the side so that I can use the vibrator with it, but I am secretly hoping NJoy comes out with a vibrating version of the Pure Want at some point.

This toy is SO worth the money if you enjoy G Spot stimulation. It is the most impressively designed toy I have ever owned- a lot of the new stuff on the market seems kind of gimmicky and overrated to me, but this lives up to the hype and fits my body perfectly. So the Pure Wand emerges victorious in Sex Toy Smackdown #2. Don’t get me wrong, I am crazy about my Form 4, but I can’t help but love my Pure Wand just a little bit more. ;)

I've also started hoarding dollars for the Eleven- the Pure Wand's $300, 11", 3 pound beast of an older brother. Because I am insane, and can't get enough NJoy!

You can read more reviews of the Pure Wand at EdenFantasys!